My very personal story

I guess I should write this even with the fear of losing friends, or my job or even my credibility. But whenever I feel I can trust someone with this story they seem to appreciate this insight. Now I’m a very straight forward person and yes, often too straight forward. But once again, even if I’m not sure this is the right way of doing things I’m going to start with my point.

I used to be schizophrenic… I know that for most of you, schizophrenia can’t be cured. But in reality we’re finding out more and more that it is possible. We used to rely solely on medication and that was the unfortunate fate of my predecessors.

To start with I didn’t have a very nice childhood, whether it was on a social or family aspect. Now I know I did have my physical health, but people often take for granted having other people around to actually support them and not put them down. This type of life is what lead me to be schizophrenic, sure, you could say that the pot I used to smoke provoked it, but that’s just misguided opinions. In reality pot can only give the final push on someone already on the edge.

I was always a very curious boy and when I finally came out of the hospital the first time, I started to question my own mind in hopes of understanding myself and this disease. This led me on a very long path of self discovery, self discipline, and self correction. I took this opportunity not only to improve on my emotion regulation and reasoning, but also on how I interacted with others or my environment. I began to improve and as I saw progress in some fields I mustered the courage to find strength and look for more answers.

Ironically the most difficult aspect I worked on understanding was how to avoid making girls run away. It was very frustrating because for some men it seemed so easy and sometimes they didn’t hesitate to brag in front of me. Then finally in my mid 20s I started to grow and I was able to make friends with girls. But my joy soon faded away as I was now confronted with frustration from other men or even other women. They would get angry because they didn’t understand why I wouldn’t try flirting with them. It was because I still had problems I was always in a hurry and would end up pushing them away. It was like a golden prison, having girl friends around but not being able to have intimacy. This may seem obvious to some, but I grew up with a very particular father and his unique perspective on life. I guess it helped me in some ways, but not with this.

I am now 31 years old I’ve had 2 girlfriends one for 1 week and 1 for a month, I’ve also celebrated my birthday only once with friends. Ironically, people on first impression think I look like a successful person. Well yes in my own way I believe all this experience has given me some valuable insight on many subjects, but it’s not what people value the most. People measure success by career, money, friends, intimacy and so on, I don’t really have any of those. Although I must admit I don’t pursue these things anymore, I’ve learned that the only thing that really matters is happiness.

I am now finally able to properly address myself to a women, but it seems pointless to jump at the first one that passes by. It’s strange because I’ve seen so many girls with whom it could of worked out and just didn’t. I feel like it’s pointless to go after any of them, I want one that’ll resonate with me and have strong emotions. It seems like having a relationship merely for sexual pleasure or social acceptance is meaningless.

This new blog I’ve decided to start is a new starting point, from now on I will be proud of my opinions, my experience and my wisdom even if other people don’t understand.