A love that was never mine

I still think about you sometimes. I am not sure why or what it is about you. You’re nothing special. You’re not even kind to me. You make me question my sanity. You push and pull and push and pull and deny and apologize and push and pull and push and pull all over again. It is this never ending cycle and I can’t get out. I don’t even know what it is about you. You’re aloof, you’re distant, you’re never honest with me. You never tell me how you feel, even when I ask you point blank. Deflect. Distract. Deflect again. Why do you do this? What do you have to lose? Why won’t you let me in?

I still think about you sometimes. There was never any moment where I believed you could make me happy. You were a concept. You’re this idea I had in my head. You are this unattainable notion I wish I could have. But I don’t even know why. You’re not even worth these words, but if I don’t write what I feel, I will keep thinking about you.

I think about you all the damn time. I can’t stop thinking about you. I know you are worth nothing, but I do not know why I am so inexplicably drawn to you. Push and pull, deflect and distract. You always want what you can’t have.

How do I stop thinking about you? How do I get you out of my damn head? You do not care. Not about me. You made that clear. I asked you to stop talking to me. I told you maybe I could forgive you again after you asked. You apologized for not being considerate of my feelings. But you know I cannot forgive you again. I cannot forgive you again.

I think about you all the time, what I could have done different. You loved the attention I always gave you. You loved that I worship the ground you walk on. You took advantage of my veneration of you. I let you. I knew it would be unrequited. I knew nothing could ever come of it. You’re emotionally unavailable and mentally immature, but I still prayed to a god I don’t even think I believe in. I prayed for you. I wished for you. I wanted you.

But why? What is the point? What would I have won?

You, who pushes and pulls, who deflects and distracts. You, who would never make me happy. You, who’s never engaged. You, who doesn’t even blink when you know you’re hurting me. You, who’s absolutely worthless.

I know I am worth the sun, the moon, the stars, and more. I know I breathe fire and demand with severity the justice and respect I deserve. I know I am too good for you. I know you would never be able to handle me, all my curves, and all my passions. You are a small, insignificant man when you stand next to me. I am too loud and proud for you. I am everything, and you are nothing but spineless.

Yet here I am, still fucking thinking about you.

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