I’m not crazy

My sanity of late has been called in to question, mostly because of all the articles I read and share on Facebook. My interest in journalism started early. I have always been fascinated by people and the world around me, trying to understand why they are, how they got here. The most interesting thing in the universe is how interesting the universe is. Everything that you can think of probably already happened at least three times and definitely has some kind of outfit to go with it. And I always took the things that I learned and applied them going forward, taking lessons the whole time, generally the hardest way I could.

I was a great liar when I was young. About who I was and what my experiences were, trying to fit in, or about what happened in a situation I didn’t really say yes to but put myself right in the middle of. I lied when I felt ashamed of what I was doing or how I looked. I lied when I thought no one would believe me anyway. I didn’t sleep well still sounds a lot nicer than I was up all night doing blow, sorry I have to go my nose is bleeding again and I hear there’s coffee in the break room.

“No idea where that came from.” “Never seen this man before in my life.” “I absolutely have the rent, (I just need to call my parents).” That one happened an awful lot. I was terrible with money and woefully under-prepared for the reality of being a human person walking the earth. What the fuck is an interest rate? What do you mean you can’t just ignore your cell phone bill? I don’t have a credit score…but my folks do?

I fucked up. All. The. Time. That’s literally the only thing I did from birth until like, still and definitely always. I am constantly making mistakes and trying and failing. I make promises to myself that I will never keep but it feels better than admitting I maybe don’t have the drive I think I do. I bitch about a lot of stuff, too. Always pointing out the smallest injustice, with great vigor. A fire shines in my eyes and I descend upon the situation with my mighty will. I’m nearly never justified in doing so. But I’m gonna. I am weak on the inside and full of anxiety, constantly wishing to be a little better than I think I am but will furiously fake it till I make it. It taught me to do my research and not lie about the results.

All of these things are only to say this. Sometimes I say things before I think about them. Sometimes I think about things really hard, and shop them out to my friends of various political affiliations and backgrounds and situations, really do the research on tone, text, and tenor. Sometimes that doesn’t matter because it still hurts feelings and makes communication you thought would be easy, less so. I have, in my life, been an exceptionally shitty human being. I do not think this is one of those times. My truth was laid bare, what I feel and think about a terribly confusing and upsetting situation. I paid deep and critical attention to the goings on not only around me, but abroad and in the most existential sense. Always reading, sharing too much, and trying to find out more.

I do not take this job lightly, it is what I always wanted to be. A trusted source, integrity infallible with an iron will. I am not ashamed of who I am or what I’ve done, but I do not intend to cause harm, if I can help it. I am deeply sorry for my part in any hurt or embarrassment. I am passionate about the issues that effect me and the people around me, doing all my research so I can fight for what is, in my opinion, the right thing. I respect other opinions and am always open to well researched peer reviewed facts, but not much short of that will change my mind. Logic is escaping all of us right now, let’s not lose it just yet. We all want our families to be happy and safe and for the world to be a little bit better for everyone. So I’m committing to try to do better. And that’s all I can ask in return.

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