What is happening to me?
I went from being very grounded, joyful and connected; to crying constantly. I have lost my joy and turned into a destructive electric ball of fire.
When I tune in, I can feel a lightning kind of energy in my aura. I see a tumultuous ocean of sadness within. I observe clouds around my head and inside it. The color red is overly present as well as dark grey and black.
It has nothing to do with the usual colors of my energy field. I am sad like I haven’t been in many years. I know from experience that my anger builds upon my sadness, to try in a vain effort to balance things out.
But I do not want to destroy everything in the flow of my electric desperation. Hurting other people and myself is not something I am willing to repeat ever again. I swore many years ago that I would learn to deal with those emotions. I want to be able to deal with them in a way that will make me feel like the mature and loving human I so aspire to be.
It is a good thing, to be aware of the fact that we are fast falling… Clarity and honesty with ourselves are key to taking responsibility for our thoughts and actions.
Life keeps on throwing shit at me from every angle that I can think of.
Come on, keep doing it, go on, I am not defeated yet and, actually, I won’t be ever.
I spend the night thinking of all the ways I can hurt the person who’s hurt me, how I can just disappear in the woods never to come back, or why not take a flight to Belgium and stay beside my sick mother until one of us dies.
But as I fall asleep, I start praying. I ask God to hold me, to take me into his arms so I can find peace.
I pray and ask for help, saying that I don’t really want to hurt others or myself. I’m not willing to give up on myself either.
I am aware that my sadness and my anger control my negative thoughts. But behind all of it is my true self, a spark of the divine who simply and humbly wants peace and happiness.
I fall asleep praying, asking to find some kind of miracle to help me get out of my energetic storm. If left unattended, I will get where I do not want to go, I will hit a rock bottom that will destroy everything that I’ve worked so hard to create.
I wake up in the morning feeling like a lightning ball ready to explode.
I can literally feel and see in my energetic field as an electric storm, a clear representation of what is still going on in my life and myself.
I very well know that anyone crossing my path will feel that too… I do not want to spread sadness and anger. I want to bring joy and light into the world.
My two daughters live with me and it’s no surprise that they feel cranky and teary these days. Seeing them like that is a direct reflection of my own sufferings.
This is when I say to myself: “You’re gonna get your shit together right now or you’ll destroy all that you love, all that you have created, and all your dreams”.
And this my friend, is not happening, now or ever.
I have to go on with my day…
The girls and I walk to school together in silence in the crazy Wellingtonian wind. Today, I am on road patrol supervision.
Fulfilling a simple duty of giving my time to others, while being outdoors, just put a giant smile on my face.
As I am greeting parents and being there for the children, my mojo starts coming back.
It is cold and windy but that makes me feel good, alive, calmer. I feel my energy change immensely during that half-hour…
I ask the wind to take away the dark clouds that are inside of me and around me. I ask it to purify me and help me let go of everything that is making me feel so bad. I pray a lot during that time, showing gratefulness for this moment of self-awareness. I thank God Source for reminding me, through these challenging times, that I am far from being a super-hero.
I am grateful to be learning to surrender to whatever is happening to me, and in me.
It is in difficult times that we can see how much we have grown.
I observe those changes in me: my current strong will to find a way to rise up to the occasion and not fall back into past self-destructive patterns. My thirst for being a light for myself and others, not a destroyer, is more present than ever before.
Having the ability to assess those progress gives me inner strength and determination. I have to act quickly before my emotions engulf my whole life.
I decide there, on road patrol supervision, that I will go for a run by the sea and try what I have been willing to try for months: swim in the icy waters!
When I close my eyes after my swim, I feel a strong pulsation inside and outside of me, like powerful waves of energy. It is as if my energetic self has been shifted to another level of frequency. I have never felt a shift like this before, so sudden, so powerful, so palpable.
My head is clear, no thoughts are there — for now.
The smile is back on my face, I’m grateful for my life again.
My aura has shifted radically, the red color is gone and there isn’t any more darkness either. I can still feel the sadness and anger but it is healthier than before. There aren’t any feelings of deep destruction present any longer.
The sea healed me…
But most of all, the smile is there because I did what my intuition murmured and showed me. I am happy because instead of crying and feeling like a victim, I put my goddamn running shoes on and did what was needed to bring balance back within myself.
I made it, I rose up to the occasion!
Tomorrow is another day, I know I’m not there yet but man, at least my confidence has had a big boost. I will keep on running and swimming in the icy sea because taking that action showed clear results.
Why am I telling you all this you might ask?
Because I am a human being like you…
Because I know that we all feel lost at times and very lonely in our sufferings. I am not a superhero no, but I want to show you that our inner resources are always there. We can find them and rise up to the occasion of simply be there for ourselves.
I am telling you this because I walk every day on my spiritual path with as much awareness and consciousness of my behavior, my feelings, the way I show up for myself and others, as I possibly can.
By being honest and authentic with myself, I do not linger in challenging self-destructive scenarios any longer.
Being honest about the way we feel is the first step to healing. Talking to others is needed too, to get out of this false idea that we are all alone in our struggles.
Taking actions instead of dwelling on our misery is the key to self-transformation. It can be any kind of healthy activity, like having a bath, exercising, picking up the phone to talk to somebody, start a puzzle or a painting…
Being able to tune within ourselves and observe the changes happening in our aura can be a huge light bulb. It is a direct reflection of the way we are within. Just tune in and see what comes up for you through images, colors, symbols, or words… Reflect on what it represents, on the meaning behind what you find.
To bring back a sense of balance, of joy, of connection, the outdoors are the greatest healer. Being in nature is calming and invigorating at the same time. So try to get out there as much as possible and observe the effects it has on you, on how you feel within, on what kind of energy you radiate.
And last but not least: surrender to whatever you are going through, for in the end you very well know that it will make you stronger. Learn the power of prayers for faith is food for the soul and teaches humility.
Remember my friend, no matter what happens to you, you’ve got the power to rise up, always. So put your goddamn shoes on right now and get out there, connect to the earth and all that it so generously gives us.