“Different” is not “weird”: Talking to kids about tolerance.

While on vacation my daughter said something shocking that made me wonder if I am part of the solution, or part of the problem. In Florida to escape the cold Canadian winter, our family spent a few days touring theme parks and a few days just relaxing at the hotel. On a cold windy morning we decided to skip the pool and let the girls play on the computers in the Kids’ Activities Center. My older daughter was on Facebook when another girl came up behind her and started asking a lot of questions. I heard about this at lunchtime and was surprised to hear some prejudices.

“So this girl was asking all these crazy questions and then she asked me how to spell Google. She told us she was 11 years old but she didn’t even know how to spell the word Google. Can you believe that?? So weird!”

Make no mistake: my older girl is the sweetest, kindest most nurturing kid you’ll ever meet. Her elementary school had plenty of children with various disabilities: several deaf children, others with cognitive or emotional disorders. She also knows all about my work at TOTI where we help struggling readers improve their English. But perhaps most relevant: she is a teenager.

An 11-year-old who can’t spell — especially the word Google — is unusual. Teenagers flee from anything that is not normal, because they are obsessed with fitting in. My daughter’s reaction that this girl was different, and not in a good way, was typical for a teenager. All I could think of was how this other girl must have felt with my daughters’ disapproving glances.

“Not being able to read at 11 years’ old is not weird”, I told her. “That girl might have a learning disability like dyslexia. Maybe English is not her first language. She may have developmental delays that make it hard for her to be a good reader.” And then, grasping at straws: “Or maybe she spells perfectly, but her family does not use the Internet.” At this, both girls rolled their eyes.

My daughter agreed that there were many reasons the other girl may be struggling with spelling such a popular word. She didn’t intend to be mean with her comment. And if I’m honest, I know that she has frequently heard me say “weird!” about both things and people. I’m guilty of snap judgments too.

We examined how we judge strangers and what we can do about it. Our family lives in a large city and we’ve seen and interacted with many different people from all walks of life. We talked about people we’ve met and how at first we thought one thing about them and how that first impression changed as we got to know them. “The point is,” I began.

“…don’t judge a bat by its wings!!” my younger daughter crowed. Um…? The girls helped me get the Monster High reference.

“Right.” I replied. “Whether this girl can read or not, you can still play with her, right?” And so they did, when we bumped into that family again at the hot tub.

I remember how the judging started way back in daycare. The endless stream of comparisons and classifications. “Jane never wears dresses like me and my friends.” “April doesn’t play like we do.” “Colin doesn’t even know how to play soccer like all the other boys.” It’s natural for kids to compare themselves to others to make sense of their world and where they fit. But this leaves kids with disabilities or visual differences out in the cold. How do we move past the knee-jerk reaction of judging, and reinforce the type of tolerance and understanding that all people deserve? By talking about it, again and again. By accepting that some people have a hard time keeping up. By reminding ourselves that being different is not weird. This is how we become part of the solution.

Being a teenager is all about keeping up with expectations and not sticking out from the crowd, or falling behind. Not everyone can blend in, and we know that teens with learning disabilities feel the stares and giggles of their peers. It hurts. Thankfully many schools have started the conversation about bullying, but parents need to reinforce the “bullying is wrong” message at home too. You don’t have to like everyone you meet, but don’t single them out or make them feel bad simply because they are different. Maybe we are all bats, trying to find our way home in the darkness.

People have different abilities. In our house we stress the importance of doing your best and striving for good results. But sometimes our best will still be lower than someone else’s. Results may vary. And that is not weird.