THE IRON GIANT — HIGH REVIEW

HONESTLY I THOUGHT I COULD CAPITILIZE OFF NOSTALGIA LIKE A SCUMBAG AND HOPE PEOPLE WILL SEE THIS AND GO “Oh I love that movie!” SO THAT’S OUT OF THE WAY.

IN THE SPIRIT OF HONESTY IM ALSO GONNA SAY: I SAW THIS MOVIE WHEN I WAS A KID BUT HAVE LITERALLY NO RECOLLECTION OF IT AT ALL LIKE I DEADASS WOULD WATCH THIS SHIT ALL DAY WHEN CARTOON NETWORK HAD THEIR IRON GIANT MARATHON WHERE THEY WOULD SHOW THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND WE ATE THAT SHIT UP. SO HERE WE GO.

AIGHT SO 2 MINUTES INTO THIS MOVIE I ALREADY GOT THE NOTION THAT THE IRON GIANT IS THE MOST TERRIFYING YOU COULD PROBABLY COME FACE TO FACE WITH. HOMIE ROSE OUT OF THE WATER, STOOD PERFECTLY STILL, AND MANAGED TO RUIN SOME SAILOR’S LIFE. IM IN.

“Darn. A perfectly good brain wasted.” (6:56)

20 MINUTES IN. THIS WHITE BOY GOES OUT INTO THE WOODS AT NIGHT BECAUSE HE THINKS THERE’S ALIENS IN THE WOODS AND SO LIKE ANY NORMAL WHITE PERSON THEY GO OUT AND INVESTIGATE ALONE AND HE ENDS UP FINDING IRON GIANT IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING A CRIME AND SAVES THEN SAVES THE IRON GIANT FROM ALMOST DYING. AND NOW THE QUESTION ON MY MIND IS: HOW CAN NO ONE SEE A FUCKING GIANT IN THE WOODS REAL SHIT HOW FAR DO THESE WOODS GO ON FOR.

I GOTTA SAY THOUGH, BRAD BIRD DID A GREAT JOB WITH DIRECTING BECAUSE THESE SHOTS AND ANGLES ARE FUCKING INCREDIBLE AND THE CUTS ARE SO SMOOTH FUCK. I REALLY LIKE THE SHOT WHERE THE WHITE BOY IS RIDING IN HIS MOM’S BACKSEAT AWAY FROM THE WOODS AND YOU CAN SEE THE IRON GIANT JUST WATCHING HIM FROM THE REAR WINDOW THATS COOL AS SHIT. IM REALLY ENJOYING THIS SO FAR I CAN SEE WHY I WATCHED IT ALL DAY.

“You are who you choose to be.” (39:35)

40 MINUTES IN. THE IRON GIANT IS THE COOLEST SHIT IVE EVER SEEN HOW YOU GON KILL A ROBOT THAT CAN REPAIR ITSELF. AND FUCK THIS GOVERNMENT GUY HAS THE MOST PUNCHABLE FACE. I CAN SEE THE MESSAGES THIS MOVIE IS TRYING TO CONVEY ITS ALMOST LIKE WHEN MEWTWO SAID “ THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF ONE’S BIRTH ARE IRRELEVANT ITS WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR LIFE THAT DETERMINES WHO YOU ARE” IRON GIANT SEES HIMSELF AS THE VILLAIN BUT WHITE BOY KNOWS HE CAN BE A HERO.

THE SHOT WHERE IT GOES FROM THE GENERAL ARY GUY TO THE WHITE BOY AT THE 23 MINUTE MARK IS SO SMOOTH. I NORMALLY DONT LIKE THOSE KINDS OF CUTS BUT THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE.

“Welcome to downtown Coolsville. Population: us.” (47:00)

ONE HOUR IN AND I FUCKING FORGOT THE IRON GIANT IS VOICED BY VIN DISIEL LMAOOO. THIS MOVIE’S PACE IS SO FUCKING STEADY IM REALLY ENJOYING HOW EVERYTHING’S NOT BEING THROWN IN MY FACE ALL AT ONCE. ALSO KIND OF WEIRD THAT THIS GROWN MAN IS HANGING OUT WITH THIS STRANGE WHITE BOY EVERYDAY BUT THEN THERE’S ALSO A GIANT ROBOT SO ITS NOT AS WEIRD? BESIDES THAT WEIRD SHIT THE SCENE WITH THE DEER IS SO POWERFUL BRO HOW DID I NOT REMEMBER THIS.

THE WHITE BOY REALLY GOT CHLOROFORMED TOO I COULDNT BELIEVE THAT SHIT I WOULDVE BEEN SNITCHING. ID DEADASS BREAK THE WINDOW THAT MAN IS NOT RIGHT.

“I am not a gun.” (1:05:21)

HOUR AND 10 MINUTES. CAUSE AFTER THIS THE MOVIE IS CLOSE TO OVER BUT WOW THIS MOVIE GETS DOWN TO BUSINESS SO FUCKING FAST WHEN IT COMES TO SUSPENSE JESUS CHRIST THE WHOLE SCENE WHERE THE ARMY JUST ATTACKS AND FUCK IRON GIANT CAN FLY AND SHOOT LASERS MY MAN IS OVERPOWERED.

“Superman” Idk i didn’t even wanna rewind it cause it was too sad to watch again

THIS MOVIE WAS FUCKING FIRE HOLY SHIT IM SO SAD BUT SO HAPPY AT THE SAME TIME IDK WHAT THIS FEELING IS BUT SHOUTOUT TO BRAD BIRD FOR DOING SOME GOOD ASS DIRECTING OUT THERE AND HONESTLY THE ANIMATION WAS WELL DONE SO GOOD JOB ANIMATORS CAUSE THE SHIT REALLY HOLDS UP IN 2018. IRON GIANT RIGHTFULLY EARNS ITS CLASSIC STATUS AND THE PRIVILEGE TO BE PLAYED ON REPEAT ON CARTOON NETWORK. I HOPE THEY STILL DO THAT.

5 OUT OF 5 SEX ROBOTS

Sober Summary

The Iron Giant is a heartfelt tale about choosing your own fate, regardless of what’s put in front of you or what is told to you. Brad Bird does an excellent job of teaching young audiences this simple, yet so painfully important lesson but does it in a manner that’s so impressive it seems almost effortless thanks to it’s carefully crafted structure and pacing. The parts that stuck out to me were always the ones where Iron Giant was humanized and showed a heart that was bigger than itself. I can see why Cartoon Network used to run marathons of it, I just hope the lesson taught wasn’t forgotten by everyone else.

5/5 again

BONUS:

Look at this pure killing machine.