Image c/o Pixabay
  1. Doesn’t like new people entering their home.
  2. Loves handouts.
  3. Has a secret hiding place for whenever things go south.
  4. Strongly believes their environment should be the right temperature.
  5. Enjoys hunting.
  6. Often sleeps in a hammock.
  7. Hates anything resembling a prison.
  8. Has zero respect for any form of authority.
  9. Opposes anything to do with healthcare.
  10. Doesn’t believe it’s their responsibility to help you with your problems.
  11. Hates it when you try to regulate the size and deadliness of their weapons.
  12. Is obsessed with plants.
  13. Believes mind-altering substances should be readily available.
  14. Conserves water by using a no-flush toilet.
  15. Could survive on…

Because a piece about sequels has to have a sequel.

Image Copyright: USA Films. (Fair Use).

Wetter, Hotter American Summer

Almost forty years later, kids at Camp Firewood are still engaging in the same typical summer camp chicanery, but now with the added challenges of global warming. Whether they’re dealing with the mischievous kids from the rival camp or fending off swarms of gigantic disease-carrying mosquitoes biting their faces off, this is one climate change comedy you won’t want to miss!
(R, 102 mins)

Brunch of the Planet of the Apes

The apes have finished taking over the world and all they want now is some good eggs benny. (PG-13, 116 mins)

What’s Eating Gilbert Grape These Days?

With his parents long dead and his brother in a group home, it’s just two…

God: For the longest time, the universe has just been a bunch of hydrogen, helium, and rocks. Until now.

Image Copyright: ABC (Fair Use.); Light brushes from Obsidian Dawn

Sharks Kevin O’Leary, Barbara Corcoran, Daymond John, and Mark Cuban wait for the next entrepreneur.

ANNOUNCER: Next into the tank is a maker with a brand new concept for sentient organic matter!

God enters.

GOD: Hi Sharks, my name is God, and I’m an omnipotent, celestial, creator-deity with over 10 billion years of experience making stuff. For the longest time, the universe has just been a bunch of hydrogen, helium, and rocks. Until now. …

Photo by Aubrey Kirkham from
  1. Is very vocal when they disapprove of something you’ve done.
  2. Eats meals at weird hours.
  3. Judges you for being out of the house for too long.
  4. Has never liked a single one of your friends or significant others.
  5. Demands to spend time with you at the most inconvenient times.
  6. Brings you presents you didn’t ask for.
  7. Has a long and complicated personal grooming regimen.
  8. Shows their affection in bizarre and often counterintuitive ways.
  9. Never lets you sleep in.
  10. Has no idea what queer feminist theory is and, quite frankly, doesn’t care.
  11. Is not about to change their routine no matter…

Sequels from the same brilliant minds in Hollywood behind the upcoming Top Gun: Maverick and Indiana Jones 5.

Image Copyright: Miramax Films. (Fair Use.)

Titanic 2: Electric Boogaloo

Ten years after the sinking of the RMS Titanic, Rose Dawson and her new jazz saxophonist boyfriend, Tito, are on their way to Europe to tour with his band when their steamship hits, you guessed it, an iceberg. Will they find a piece of debris big enough for two this time? Stick around for three and a half hours to find out! (PG-13, 208 mins)

Rosemary’s Second Kid

Though not a spawn of the devil, Rosemary’s second baby is still kind of a brat. After graduating with a philosophy degree from Brown, he and his girlfriend Piper move out to California to “do…

Image c/o Pikrepo, licensed under Creative Commons Zero license
  1. Wants to know if you’re up.

2. Hates going out in public with you.

3. Is cuddling with you one minute, then the next minute they’re hissing at you for something that apparently rubbed them the wrong way.

4. Occasionally throws up all over the floor of your apartment at 3 in the morning.

5. Demands to see you and then leaves the second their needs are satisfied.

6. Refuses to interact with your friends and instead spends the entire time staring at the wall.

7. Hides things from you that, by the time you discover them, it will be…

Image credit: Roland Godefroy c/o Wikimedia Commons. Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution Generic 2.5 License (image has been modified from its original form)

An Inconvenient Truth about the so-called “global phenomenon” that is Robert De Niro

With the recent release of The Irishman, people are once again discussing America’s favorite hot-button subject, Robert De Niro. So let me just remind folks one last time: Robert De Niro is a myth.

A Brief History

Movie directors first started talking about Robert De Niro in the early 1970’s. By the mid-1980’s, several mainstream directors were claiming to have cast Robert De Niro in their movies, including Francis Ford Coppola, Sergio Leone, and Terry Gilliam. Since then, the lie that Robert De Niro exists has continued to spread, starting in avid movie-going circles and eventually making its way to the general public…

Carlos Greaves

Carlos is an engineer, writer, and occasional Bruno Mars impersonator based in Boston. He’s also the editor of the satirical news blog and sketch show RF News

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