I Am Dating Doomed…

Yes that was me back in the day, making my first attempt at the ladies. I was a ladies man. My problem, conversation. I have zero conversation skills. I can write like a mother fucker, but when it comes to talking, I inadvertently spout off something that makes me seem like a stalker or the uni-bomber or that creepy 8th grade math teacher you had…you know the one.

I’m old now and that shit doesn’t help. I mean seriously. I don’t want to date women my age because in the back of my brain I still want kids. I can’t date girls 18 anymore…I mean I can, I just choose not to. 25–30 is the sweet spot but then there is the age/education difference. I’m not into partying and getting so fucked up on the weekends that I wake up in a sweat soaked bed with the world spinning at 100 mph. My ambition extends about as far as my thought process (which at the moment is less than 5 seconds).

Then there is the whole trying to be yourself, but trying to play out what she wants you to be so you can find the sweet spot of not being to obnoxious and too much of a fucking pushover. I mean man, when does the original relationship begin. I just wanna find someone that doesn’t give a shit if my farts don’t smell like roses, my jokes are shitty and my craps require two matches.

Its hard to figure out what women want. I often wonder if I should just not shower for a few days, grow out what little bit of facial hair will present itself in 4 days (which isn’t much), sit at the bar and become nicholas cage drunk in “Leaving las vegas” and see what kind of woman shows up. Interesting side note, went to my local watering hole on Friday and apparently missed the obvious signs that the lawyer and his wife were laying down about a threesome. The bartender and I later found his business card on the bar with “threesome” written on the back…I digress.

Dating gets harder as you get older, or maybe its that I give too many shits about it. I should just do what I do and forget about it. Maybe Im too old for that shit. Maybe my time passed. Maybe my soul mate was in my 30s but I was too stupid to hold on. Maybe I will meet her on my way out while climbing Everest to watch my final sunset. Who knows.

Dating is a bitch when you get older. Do it like mad when you are young (dating can be interchanged with mating, so long as its consensual). I think much of it is lost in our digital translation and that it has to be more of a natural, fluid, conversational thing rather than a texting, facebooking, tweeting, snapcrapping type of thing, but what the hell do I know, I’m now a dinosaur.

If you are dating out there, best of luck to you. If you have found him or her, hang on and make sure you communicate….verbally :-) I posted on Instagram the other day “Don’t ask why I’m still single, I don’t ask how you are still married” Truth is, I have every clue and no clue at all why I am single.

Until next time…

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