The relationship with the job I’ve decided to leave is bipolar. Do you feel that way about your job too? You love it but feel it doesn’t love or appreciate you? One day it’s the best thing in the world and you’re high as a kite, the next it’s so damn heavy and low you feel like a sinking rock to the bottom of the ocean?
Well maybe this article is for you.
I decided to quit 2 days ago but to say I’m unhappy about that decision would be a lie and so would saying I am happy about leaping into the unknown. I have no concrete plans yet for the future except the day I’ll hand in my resignation. I can visualize it and see the pain it will cause me even though I know I’m making the right decision.
Think of it this way: you have a partner you love and that partner is toxic. You try everything to lower that toxicity as much as possible and fail. You’re an alpha type personality so failure doesn’t compute and you keep on going and trying to fix that relationship. It becomes a challenge (that alphas thrive on) that you have to solve. Then you remember a thing you read once that one time defining insanity as the repetition of a task over and over again hoping for a different outcome when the outcome is the same every time! You realize that you’re driving yourself insane trying to change Goliath (no offense to mental health/illness issues. I truly think it was affecting me mentally) I then decided I don’t want to be insane.
I love(d) my job. It gave me that sense of belonging and purpose though I have to admit I knew it was not a fit from day 1. Just like when you meet that hot guy and you’re so enamored by the fact that he’s into you and you’re thinking I can make this work. He does love you too, but he wants you to be a certain person you can’t be. You try to explain you’re not that person, give him real data to prove so, and even give him a plan to make the relationship work. He responds that he needs some time but we’re still exclusive. Baby, time is money.
“Ain’t nobody got time (money) fo dat!”
A part of me is relieved. I know so because I’ve started sleeping peacefully again. I’m no longer waking up sweating or anxious about my future. As the mantra my real life partner always says “Everything always works out for us!” I have to believe it will. I do believe!
Another part of me is literally crapping in its pants. I’m so scared of the future being uncertain since I’ve come to love certainty and predictability now that I’m older. Ironically though, as for a lot of my generation and thanks to the previous ones, I pretty much live paycheck to paycheck. Any money saved goes into rent checks, utilities, groceries and the few things I buy for myself from time to time (just like you I’m sure). So I’m here now thinking to myself “how will I survive?” I’m then reminded that people survive on much less.
- I’m smart (no, really I am). I’ll figure out a way as I have countless times before (think back, there are many times you’ve decided to dismiss but you know you’ve gotten out of jams before. Invoke that ‘self’ and get yourself out of this jam you’ve purposely put yourself into).
- I’ve been through worse. I had my first midlife crisis or some would say an emotional meltdown at 25 (does that mean I have less than 20 years to live now?). I say what doesn’t break you makes you stronger. Though, I still show cracks and that scar will always be a medal to me.
- I’m resourceful. Even if I wasn’t, there are enough resources on the internet that will allow me to become so. Really, there are! Have you tried google lately?
- I’m encouraged. By what you might ask? By the fact that a stupid video of me being an idiot going viral might certainly get me on Ellen. Yes, I’m sure that in the few months I’ve decided to take for myself to travel and regroup I will partake in some stupid videos that have potential to go viral. If only Ellen will see them… so if people can make a living out of that, I surely can find a way to make a living too.
- I’m a writer (shameless plugin I know but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures!). My craft is essentially the manipulation of words to tell a story. One of those stories is already published for the world to read. Others are on the way.
- I’m hopeful. Yes. Hope. It is a wonderful thing that makes all the difference. Also, you have to admit that without it the world stage right now seems abysmal.
Now, armed with all the above I’m now sleeping much better. I know life will go on and this chapter in my life will be one I will look back on and learn from. What exactly did I learn? Well, baby, quite a few things!
- Time truly is the most important thing in the world. Money comes and goes but time is linear and always going forward (please don’t get into the debate if time travel and the multiverse. For the sake of simplicity we always go forward). It is unforgiving and you will never get it back. Do you really want to share it with a toxic relationship? Nope. Time is important and I will do everything in my power not to waste it as I have in this job again.
- Money is finite and also all around. It is a concept and once you start thinking of it as such it will manifest itself to you. No, I’m not saying you’ll win the lottery or make it appear just by willing it to! I’m saying that once you understand that currency is a human fabrication, who says you can’t work on making it too? Hence the phrase ‘make money’.
- Family is at the pinnacle of life. Although we all have family through the act of birth, not all our family members are blood related. When I use the word ‘family’ here I mean all those close relationships that deserve your time and money. Although, the truth is, the ones that truly love you only want your time.
I’m optimistic since there are no mistakes. In this thing called life there are only learning experiences. Now that I’ve decided to take back my time and put a value I choose on it as well as making sure I spend it with the people that matter I know I’ll be ok.