Do You Have a Loved One Who is Having an Affair? (Part 1 of 2)
So, do you have a loved one who is flirting with the idea of starting an affair? Or, have they started an affair already? If so, what, if anything, can you say to them to help them avoid making a horrible life-changing decision for themselves, their children, and their loved ones?
No matter what you do you may be in a bit of a predicament. If you say or do nothing you may be complicit in their decision to pursue their affair. On the other hand, if you say or do something it might risk your relationship with your loved one.
Assuming you decide to say or do something, you can review the following questions and responses before initiating your conversation with them:
1. Why are you thinking about having an affair?
Their response might include something like:
- My marriage doesn’t make me happy
- We don’t have enough sex
- I fell out of love with my spouse and am lonely
- I don’t know how to fix our marriage
Research, studies, and common sense show:
- 90% of Americans believe it is morally wrong to commit an adulterous act
- Research has found that, when the affair is revealed, both partners can experience mental health issues including anxiety, depression, and thoughts of suicide. There can also be an increase in emotional and physical violence within the married or partnered couple.
- Infidelity can have lasting impacts on the partners and children the couple may have. Grief, brain changes, behaviors down the road, and mental health conditions such as anxiety, chronic stress, and depression can result. Some families have been able to move past infidelity with time and therapy.
- Infidelity is life-changing and should be avoided at all costs.
- The ‘adultery story’ is always remembered and everyone that knows it is impacted forever. Even though you may choose to stay together, everyone who knows will treat you differently.
- The adulterer and his or her victim; are forever characterized as such by close family and friends.
2. What do you expect to gain from having an affair? What did you expect of your marriage that isn’t fulfilling your expectations?
Their response might include something like:
- I expect to be happy
- Have more sex
- Find a new love
- Just have an uncommitted sexual relationship
- To eventually get divorced
- Stay in my marriage and just keep the affair secret
- To be more comfortable than I am now
Research, studies, and common sense show:
- Adultery is not a victimless crime. A person who commits adultery for self-serving reasons often blames his or her legitimate partner for cheating, the ‘discovery of the affair,’ in the mind of the adulterer, has no “innocent victims.” The thinking goes that one’s legitimate partner is also at fault (she/he wouldn’t have sex, communicate nicely, spend money responsibly, etc.). The truth is otherwise; the only person to blame for the cheating is the philanderer. Everyone else in the immediate family, as well as extended family members and friends, are undeservedly hurt.
- “Extramarital affairs are burdened with secrecy, clandestine elements, and the fear of being discovered. Paradoxically, these factors fuel the affairs and make it difficult to get out. As the affair continues for a long time, the person is left to grapple with the consequences of what happens next and whether to come clean or not,” said Dr. Khemani
- The repercussions of an extramarital affair can be extremely damaging to your mental health. You could end up seeing yourself as a culprit and take the blame for everything that goes wrong.
3. What are you willing to give up to have an affair?
Their response might include something like:
- To give up my life as it is now
- To give up my family and time with my children
- Whatever it takes to find happiness
Research, studies, and common sense show:
- Infidelity is one of the top cited reasons couples decide to get divorced. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), infidelity in the United States accounted for 20–40 percent of divorces.
- Among ever-married adults who have cheated on their spouses before, 40% are currently divorced or separated. By comparison, only 17% of adults who were faithful to their spouse are no longer married. On the flip side, only about half of “cheaters” are currently married, compared with 76% of those who did not cheat. (IF Studies)
- According to a study published by the National Institutes of Health (NIH), one partner in 88% of couples studied cited infidelity as a major contributing factor.
- In a Gallup poll, researchers noted that more than half of partners say they would leave their spouse and get a divorce if they found out their spouse was having an affair.
4. Do you plan on marrying the person you have an affair with?
Their response might include something like:
- Maybe
- I am just looking for some emotional and sexual connection
- I may marry them but not sure
Research, studies, and common sense show:
- While conclusive research and studies still seem sparse on this matter, the probability of an affair ending in marriage is very, very low — between three and five percent, and many join the 75 percent of second marriages that fail, a rate half again as high as first marriages. While fewer than 25 percent of adulterers (i.e. cheaters) leave a marriage for an affair partner, according to one source, most of those relationships are statistically extremely unlikely to endure. This research suggests that only 1% achieve stability and happiness. This is a grim statistic, to say the least especially when many negatively impact children and close family members. No matter which stat you use, that’s a grim statistic for couples hoping their affairs will last forever. Essentially, about 1% of affairs will end up intact and happily married.
- As Dr. Jordan Peterson so appropriately puts it in his book, The 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote for Chaos, “You do not have a life with someone when you have an affair with them. You have an endless array of desserts… You see each other under the best possible conditions… An affair is not helpful, and people end up hurt. Particularly children — and it is to them that we owe primary allegiance.”
- Relationships that last are based on mature love, which values responsibility. If one of you can’t own up to your mistakes, you’ll always be blaming someone or something else when things go wrong. If they do marry, time will tell if they will be the happy 1% that transition from an affair to a happy, long-term marriage.
… this article is to be continued in Part 2 of “Do You Have a Loved One Who is Having an Affair?”
Recovering From Infidelity
If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!
Share Your Story
The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.
About CHADIE Foundation
The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.
