How to Increase Your Empathy
Hi, my name is Chad Nelson. Thanks for reading this article. I’d appreciate critical or affirming feedback…or both. Or, if you have a story as to how this content has played out in your life, I’d love to hear!
Misunderstanding in communication with another person has consequences. If I am misunderstood, I may get bitter toward the person, become aggressive toward the person, or passively withdraw from the person. There are many ways to help prevent misunderstanding.
But one way to help prevent it is through empathy. Increasing our empathy. How do we increase it?
What is Empathy?
First, what is empathy? It may be helpful to contrast it with sympathy. Sympathy is when you share the feelings of another. Empathy is when you understand the feelings of another, but don’t necessarily share those feelings. Take differing religions as an example. A Christian can empathize with a Muslim’s adoration to and worship of a higher being. That is, the Christian can understand those feelings in the context of a higher being. However, the Christian likely doesn’t share those feelings toward the same higher being.
Sympathy is feeling compassion or sorrow for another person. Empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of the other person. Think of an actor. An actor works to cultivate empathy for the character he/she is portraying.
Another way of describing empathy: It’s getting into someone’s emotional, physical, and mental state (to the degree possible).
I came of age in the 90’s. The release of the movie Tombstone was a highlight in life. Val Kilmer’s performance was nothing short of amazing. Read about what he did to prepare for that role. In part, he subjected himself to ailments (sleep deprivation being one of them) in order to put himself in the shoes of Doc Holiday. A path toward empathy.
So how do we increase empathy toward someone who rubs us the wrong way?
Practices to Increase Empathy
Here are 2 practices to increase empathy.
First — Get aware of your proclivities for thriving in life. These are ways of being that you’ve solidified in your life. They are ways of being that you assume you need in order to survive and thrive. In other words, they’re your mode of operation (M.O.). Some examples: being assertive or passive; being decisive or indecisive; being chipper or being down; being detail oriented or being big-picture oriented. Notwithstanding their usefulness, they can hamper you from cultivating empathy.
For example, I tend to be more passive than assertive. That’s not to say I can’t be assertive, but I tend toward passivity. It has its usefulness and drawbacks. One way to get clear on my mode of operation in life is to ask myself, “What personality traits or behaviors rub me the wrong way? What gets under my skin?” I’ll be vulnerable here for a moment. People who are assertive to a certain degree can rub me the wrong way. BUT, the issue isn’t them, it’s me! It’s a damaging story I’ve told myself for many many years about thriving in life — namely, assertiveness is an assault on my passivity for thriving in life. However, I’ve become blind to my own assertiveness!
One more example. Decisiveness/indecisiveness. If you’re a very decisive person, people who tend to be indecisive (or overly cautious) can get on your nerves. Or they’re annoying at the very least. Your M.O. is decisiveness. Perhaps you’ve become blind to your own indecisiveness. Perhaps you’ve been indecisive about what to do with a sick relative, difficult child, or troubling financial situation.
Second — Connect. Remember, we’re talking about increasing empathy. So let me use the example of myself above. People who are assertive to a certain level can rub me the wrong way. But I need to take inventory of my life. Have there been times when I have been assertive? Have there been times when I’ve been assertive in a meeting, with my spouse, with my kids, or while on vacation with a waiter or hotel staff? If I have ever been assertive, I’m assertive. My potential to now connect with an assertive person on a deeper level has increased exponentially. We’re both assertive! This allows me to connect with them on a deeper level and deepen my empathy toward them.
These two practices are a simplified version of shadow work as conceptualized by Carl Jung.
So first, get clear on your M.O. One way to do that is to become deeply aware of that which is a pet peeve or what annoys you or what rubs you the wrong way about someone to whom you want to be empathetic. Second, take full stock of your life as to where you have behaved in just that way (If I was a betting person, I’ll bet you’ve behaved that way more than once). Now, allow yourself to connect on a deeper level with that person to whom you want to be more empathetic.
KaylaMatthews has a helpful article with additional practices.
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