How does toxic parentage affect children’s lives
“Mindful parenting is the hardest job on the planet, but it’s also one that has the potential for the deepest kinds of satisfaction over the life span and the greatest feelings of interconnectedness and community, and belonging.”
Jon Kabat-Zinn
Okay, mommys and daddys, I’m BIASED! 😊I am an Asian and obviously, I’ve been raised in an Asian household, so I beg your pardon if I seem to take the children’s side unfairly, because I’m trying so hard to not play the victim here. And look, I know nobody’s perfect and parents who are humans can and will make mistakes but the question is, how much are you’ll willing to learn from those mistakes? How much are you’ll willing to learn and change?
And in this context, I will be discussing some “scenarios” from a classroom. (because after all what better place to study types of children than school right?). All the names and characters used here are one hundred percent fictional and ARE NOT related to my life or any of my friends’ lives ( hint hint 😊 )
1) Ned is a brilliant kid from a very young age. He has been that topper, that debate team leader, that teachers’ pet, and his cupboards are filled with certificates, trophies… Well, you know the type right? That one kid who got it all figured out! At least, that’s what the world thinks! But he comes home to see his parents proudly talking to another neighbor about his cupboard of certificates ( which he called “ the cupboard of perfection”) and right when he steps home, questions are fired at him like “How’s school work today?” rather than “How are you today?”. His achievements in the art class or pottery class are in “the oblivious section” of the cupboard of perfection and his soccer team membership forms are torn and thrown into dustbins saying that “ his current work is more than enough to get selected to Ivy league so don’t waste time on unnecessary distractions”.
If he receives a low grade for an “important” subject, he will be crying secretly in the school bathroom imagining the chaos he’s gonna face at home, so he makes up his mind and takes a red pen and guiltlessly changes the score because, after all, that’s simply survival instincts!! survival from slaps, spanks, belt whipping, and all the shouting and emotional abuse (which are of course mechanisms to stop your child from “spoiling”).
2) Billy is that troublemaker in Ned’s class. Teachers hate him and he is given lots of detention after class. He never does well at school nor he seems to be interested in any field. He pranks kids at school, sets fart bombs, and vandalizes school property. Some teachers say he is simply seeking attention, well who knows? On the other hand, his younger sister Sarah is a very shy girl who barely even speaks to a friend she doesn’t even have friends. She likes to sit in the corner of a class, not expressing herself at all. She too, however, doesn’t do well at any schoolwork but at least she doesn’t make a scene like her wretched brother right? That’s what the teachers said. But Billy loves his sister. When they get home he cooks for her, asks about her day, and buys her school supplies from the “black money” he earned, because he knows that the people they call their parents are not gonna do those stuff for them. Every day when they come home their father is out drinking for the night or doing “late night shifts” as the note he left for them says, and their mother is well, “ out for bingo, please suit yourselves for dinner” as her note says.
3) Katy is a very fortunate kid in the class (according to folks). She has rich parents who expect nothing from her but provides everything she asks for at the very minute. She gets cars and Gucci bags as presents for her sweet sixteen. She is the dominator at home and she expects to be so at school too. She wishes to be the leader in every project and does not consider any of her teammates’ ideas, she is that “spoilt mean girl” as the folks say. She obeys no rules just “her rules”. She bullies poor kids and kids who are meant to be ugly by her standards, acts like she rules the school but doesn’t do well in schoolwork because “studying gives her “dark circles’ and ‘headaches’ “. Whenever she gets encountered a slightly stressful situation she quickly but secretly responds to it by getting drugs or having risky sex because she is afraid of getting out of her comfort zone where she feels like the queen, she is afraid of giving it a try and failing and tarnishing her public image. So after a healthy dose of instant gratification, she runs to her daddy crying and he will fix everything for her.
4) Betty is an average girl in the class. She balances out everything, her studies, her sports, her aesthetics. Her parents know her strengths and her interests so they encourage her to choose the areas she can excel at but at the same time, she enjoys doing. If she gets good grades for a subject she is praised not for the letter she got but for the hard work she put through. She is confident about her image and is naturally a democratic leader in projects. She has flaws but she embraces them just like her parents taught her. She is never afraid of trying new things and failing because her parents have always taught her to understand the lesson learned from failure. She is seen and heard at home whenever a critical situation arises and a family discussion is held. Her parents set rules but do not encourage a punitive background at home. And she follows the rules but if they seem extreme she can discuss the situation with her parents and negotiate. Her parents invest a lot of time in creating a healthy background at home, visiting therapists together when things go offhand and she exercises the same balance of discipline and freedom at school during her projects.
Done reading? How do you feel now? Maybe you are a parent and might identify with one of the first three scenarios and feel really sh***y about yourself, or maybe you don’t feel sh***y about yourself because your damn ego is overwhelming you, saying “Who the heck is this kid to teach me about damn parenting??”. Or maybe you are a child of one of such parents and if so, I empathize with you but know that you can HEAL from the childhood trauma which I will discuss in a whole other post. ( but I repeat, IT IS NOT WHO YOU ARE)
· If you identify with the parents of 1st scenario, that type of parent is referred to as authoritarian parents. They believe that strict rules and punishments are necessary to shape children. It’s not that they don’t love their children. In fact, they love them selfishly that they have planned their children’s lives, their careers, and the qualities they wish for their future partners! even before they were born. They want their children to be extremely successful and perfect and they love to brag about their children like some “accomplishment” of theirs, rather than another fellow human being. They believe that children are to be controlled using strings like puppets so they will “perform” flawlessly on the stage ( the very “ stage of society”). And the result of this? Buckle up, dear parents! Your children will struggle a lot due to a lack of self-esteem. And because you don’t trust them enough to allow them to get involved in problem-solving challenges or obstacles by themselves ( because if they fail, it will tarnish your image), they will grow up to become indecisive and self-doubting. Children of authoritarian parents are obedient and good followers and often don’t involve in illegal activities but they never stand up for themselves against injustice because they believe that it is their deserving place. But in some occasions, punishments will result in very rebellious kids and to make you pay, they will enjoy doing everything you hate. They will practice your ways of physical punishments out of homes with other children. Either they will be meek, submissive, and mute or they will be violent rebels. Both don’t sound very appetizing eh?
· If you identify with the parents of 2nd scenario, chances are, that you are an uninvolved/neglectful parent. You rarely know where your child is or who they are with and basically who your child IS! You don’t spend much time with your child. You don’t set harsh rules like authoritarian parents nor do you show much love or caring. Maybe, you are dealing with depression or any such mental disorder, or maybe, you are having a lot of work stress or simply MAYBE you never wanted kids and you just made kids to show society that you and your partner aren’t infertile! Because that’s an actual thing in Asia guys! Once a couple is married in most Asian cultures the nosy aunties along with the mother-in-law of the girl start bothering the girl about “when are you going to make me a grandma?” or start spreading rumors like “she is a barren woman because she is not pregnant yet!” which will ultimately force the couple to have a baby even if they don’t want to!!! Either way, if you identify as a neglectful parent, you really need to fix your external issues because you are literally setting another human being’s life at stake! Which is NOT COOL at all! Wanna know what happens to kids of neglectful parents? Without any guidance, structure, or parental involvement, children of neglectful parents often act out. They are reported of drug and alcohol use, rebelliousness, violent acts to seek attention ( because they absolutely CRAVE attention they don’t get from their homes), lack of empathy, trust issues, delinquency, breaking the law, constant issues of depression, anxiety ( the list goes on and on and on. Happy eh!?) This is said to be the worst type of parenting because the parents show no love, no authority nothing.
· If you identify with the parents of 3rd scenario, you might be a permissive parent. You think your child will learn best with little interference from you. You play more of a friend role than a parent role. You believe you are a “cool mom” or dad, you set rules but rarely enforce them. You have this attitude that “kids will be kids”. You love your children unconditionally and care for them so much that you don’t like to enforce any authority and break their hearts. Chances are you might have had authoritarian parents and you swore to yourselves that you are going to be a friendly understanding parent when deciding to have kids. But I hate to break it to you, this too is unhealthy. Because you never let your kids feel any negative emotion or face any negative consequences, these children are most likely to procrastinate during hard work and most likely be emotionally immature. They are mostly irresponsible and are reported to mostly experiment with drugs and other addictive behaviors because they never experience any authority or discipline and “they make their own rules”. These kids often have high self-esteem, but they can also act entitled, egocentric, and selfish.
- If you identify with the parents of the 4th scenario, well CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are an authoritative parent. It is identified as the best parenting style out of the four. You set limits, enforce rules, and give consequences, but take your child’s feelings into consideration. Authoritative parents are nurturing and warm, yet they instill the importance of responsibility and discipline. To maintain discipline rather than negative consequences like verbal, physical punishments when a child misbehaves, they exercise positive modes like praise and reward systems when a child behaves well. That way the child is given the idea of doing what is right out of consent, rather than doing the right thing out of fear of punishment. Not only that, positive motivation like praise and rewards can increase the serotonin release in not just the receiver (the child) but also the giver (the parent) which eventually results in overall happy human beings and thereby a happy family. Ultimately, when a child receives positive feedback, encouragement, and rewards for making a good choice, they naturally gravitate toward those behaviors again instead of the negative behaviors. See? Not very hard right? 😊. The children of authoritative parents are known to be high in self-esteem and self-confidence, they are often assertive, never hesitant to try new things, never afraid of failing and learning, self-regulated, and responsible. They show much control over anger management. They rarely show drug and alcohol misuse. It is THEM who set high expectations for themselves, not their parents because they trust themselves and they don’t attach their values to external validations. Sound like an alien world to me!!😊
As a child who grew up in a strict Asian household, it is engraved in our culture that punishments are an utmost necessity when it comes to disciplining a child. There’s this proverb in our culture that “ a non-spanked child is like a non-stirred curry” (jeez! Sorry about my translation 😊 but you get the point right?). And I can’t even finish counting the number of times I felt that my worth is so much connected to my academic performance and if I fail once then my whole point of existence is useless, I AM useless. From a very young age (like after that little crying-and-winning-stuff age passed), I can’t recall a single time that I have cried in front of them telling them my worries, my only acquaintance was my pillow or sometimes my sister but never my parents. I struggled a lot with my self-esteem and always had this constant voice in my head that I am never enough. I was a people pleaser and I craved their validation. I played a hundred roles with hundred people, their favorite version of mine. And the funniest part is, it was Covid that made me realize this! After the long vacation staying at home in solitude, once I went back to school, I felt deeply exhausted, because now I had to play 100 roles again.
Enough of my sob story right? I just wanted to make you believe that none of the above scenarios I made up are lies and fiction ( only the names are)
So if you are a parent and if u identify with 1,2 or 3 scenarios and if you want to change, always keep reminding in your head that your parenting style can affect your child’s BOTH physical and mental health and play a major role in shaping his/her future self. Some children will grow up to learn about these and will fight them back ( just like my humble self 😊) but some children might not even KNOW these and live the rest of their lives just the way their toxic parents shaped them to be, and that is one of the main reasons why I am writing this because I want all of them to HEAL WITH ME.
And some parents might realize that in certain life situations, they have behaved authoritatively, or neglectfully. And that is very possible too. Or in some cases, you might realize that for one child of yours, you might have treated permissively and for the other child, authoritatively. No matter how bad the situation is, we are all imperfect humans and we CAN always heal from toxic traits, BUT the golden question again is, ARE YOU WILLING TO?
