Very Professional E-Mails from Scientists
That I get from time to time
Dear Chanda,
I read your recent comments about
a. sexism
b. racism
c. ableism
d. transphobia
e. all of the above
and I felt
a. hurt
b. offended
c. entitled
d. angry
e. male
f. all of the above
because your defense of people who are marginalized in society is
a. arrogant
b. empathy-deficient
c. inconsiderate toward white people and/or men
d. annoying but I keep reading anyway
e. making me feel insecure because it turns out I don’t know everything and I thought I did
f. all of the above.
I decided to write you a private note about this because
a. I’m a bully
b. I’m a man
c. I’m a bully and a man
d. I’m a bully and a man and a hero for all oppressed white people
e. I can’t take responsibility for saying this in public because then people would know what a dick I am
f. all of the above
and I feel it’s important that
a. Someone put you in your place
b. Let you know that unlike Jesus you are not universally loved
c. My feelings be the center of attention at all times
d. You know a good woman is a woman who is doing what I tell her
e. all of the above.
Even though we’ve only had a serious conversation maybe twice I can tell you that
a. I used to really like who you were, although I don’t even know what your favorite color is or where your parents are from
b. Your aspirations to world domination that you’ve never expressed are really dangerous
c. I really hated you for years but kept reading your every word anyway
d. My life is sad and all I have in this moment is privately sending people rude emails to try and make them feel bad
e. all of the above.
I
a. think you’re a terrible person
b. think you’re a witch hunter
c. know for a fact that no one likes you, not even the friends who are going to trash me after you forward them this email
d. am taking the time to send you this message for some reason
e. am doing all of the above.
I especially realized this despite the fact that
a. you went out of your way to talk to me about my problems
b. you supported political causes that impacted me the most
c. you have always gone out of your way to say nice things about me to others
d. all of the above.
I wish you great luck in your endeavors even though I
a. basically just called you a bitch using a lot of words
b. have no clue what it really means to wish someone well
c. just went out of my way to try and make you feel bad
d. really want you to shut the fuck up and have no endeavors
e. hate you and can’t find a good way to end this petty as fuck message so I went with wishing you good luck
f. all of the above.
Signed,
Someone who is 99% of the time a man in science with a faculty position
Dear Dr. Jerk,
Signed,
A woman who can’t be bullied by your petty ass
