Today’s Daily Horoscopes, Sponsored by Xfinity© X1 Triple Play

Aries: You are the single greatest joy in many lives. For instance, Aries, your phone calls are the only thing keeping your grandparents alive. They love you so much. Owing to your generous spirit you will want to reconnect with those who love you today: when you do, be sure that it’s with the crisp, clear, reliable connection that only a traditional landline can provide.

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Taurus: While your colleagues know you for you your creative spirit, at home you are also secretly a wizard with a check book. Taurus, it’s true that if your bozo husband/wife were left to his/her own devices, nothing would get paid, right? Yes, that’s right. You will think past your seething resentment of your companion and consider new ways to consolidate your monthly bills today.

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Cancer: Studies show that even an amazing person like you needs to take time to unwind. It’s not healthy to give, give, give and never take, Cancer. Today, you won’t forget the importance of indulging in a guilty pleasure, like watching six straight episodes of a TV show that chronicles the mojito-fueled romantic entanglements of the staff of an upscale Santa Monica restaurant. You don’t just deserve to know that Tevyn kissed Dymond while Styrlyng was out of town getting an overnight mani-pedi, Cancer…. you need to know.

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Virgo: Appreciation is easier said than done, right? For instance, your moron of a husband/wife constantly says he/she loves you and appreciates all the efforts you make to give your family a nice home, but talk is cheap. Virgo, there are other, more measurable gestures of appreciation out there. Today, you will open your mind and your heart to being appreciated in ways that you can use to buy things. You’re worth it.

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Gemini: You have a rich and fertile mind, Gemini, and it can’t be contained by the mundane routines of life on earth. Press play on your imagination by taking virtual trips to alternate realities, perhaps as an up and coming criminal rising the ranks in Vice City or as a first person shooter joining the war against the Covenant? Today, you will explore ways to expand your horizons with plenty of bandwidth and limited buffering.

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Leo: You are more powerful than you even know, Leo. You are so powerful. There are things you have the power to obtain that you haven’t even considered if only you would embrace your power. Today, you will realize that just by visiting a single website and. entering a simple two year agreement that consolidates your basic household services in a way that ultimately saves you money, you can have 24–7 on-demand access to all five seasons of Homeland, even season 3, when Brody is found addicted to heroin in Venezuela but is quickly rehabilitated and sent to Iran on a mission to infiltrate the Revolutionary Guard. Take what is your’s today.

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Sagittarius: Sagittarius, you are a slice of heaven, but let’s be honest, ever since your husband/wife invested your life’s savings in his/her cousin’s “real estate project” without telling you, the dream you’ve been harboring since you were 18 of travelling along the French Riviera is dead. Today, you will resign yourself to your dead dream and find other ways to enjoy French culture, even maybe from the comfort of your own home?

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Scorpio: Scorpio, you are powerless against the overwhelming corporate forces that surround you. You can try to exercise your independence by resisting these forces, but ultimately, all you will do is deprive yourself of your own hard earned money and the ability to participate in the mainstream culture around you. Is making a futile and irrelevant point worth this cost? No, it’s not. In that spirit, today you will upgrade your Internet to the fastest speed possible. You’ll feel better about yourself immediately.

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