Stepping into the unknown; embracing the uncertainties of life
I was laid in my bed yesterday and a sudden wave of anxiety took over me. I've been in a fairly centred space recently, especially since the Lionsgate portal last week, so I was genuinely confused as to why I was feeling this way. I’m challenging myself to dig deeper into certain feelings that arise, because I've noticed an avoidant coping mechanism that has been created. Well, upon deeper reflection I realised that the anxiety was arising from the fear of the unknown and what this next phase of my life, being a mother of 2, will bring.
I remember when I was pregnant with Wolf, I would deeply fear losing my freedom. I became pregnant with him at 17 and he was born when I was 18, so I was truly still very young myself and just about to venture into the world on my own. I would cry to myself over a life that I believed I was mourning, i say believed because it was the idea of the life i believed i would have, even though i was certain in my decision to become a mother and embark this new journey, i was totally afraid. I was afraid because this was something I had never experienced before, it was something I hadn't seen for my life only a few months prior and that was very scary to me.
One of our fundamental human needs is the need for certainty, to have some type of predictable outcome, to feel as if we have some control over our lives. What's funny about this is on the opposing end another one of our needs is the need for uncertainty, to feel as if we have a certain level of ‘newness’ within our lives to keep us guessing. We see this push and pull dynamic so frequently played out within relationships, where we crave the stability we get from our partner and appreciate the certain level of predictability it brings but so often find ourselves seeking more, whether from another or from the relationship, a certain level of newness and passion to fulfil our need for uncertainty. I tend to find that we all fluctuate between the two on some level, some of us have a bigger need for one more than the other, which can result in misery and chaos if we only live in one, but both of these needs are necessary within their own right.
Anyway, back to Wolf, I use this example because this was probably my biggest lesson of stepping into the unknown, but I do still find myself resistant to it at times, even though I am someone who I believe is adaptable and embraces change quite easily, I still need to remind myself of it at times. When I had given birth to him I spent the first few months still residing in this state of anxiety, yearning desperately for a life I believed I was missing out on, but ultimately knowing that, whatever I thought my life was going to be, wasn't going to be. I didn't believe my life would be ‘bad’ after having him, I just had no idea WHAT or HOW it would be and that scared the shit out of me. I was so unsure as to how life would look but was ultimately creating deeper suffering by resisting the inevitable path that I was on. In my case i literally had to accept it because i couldn't just stop being a mother to go chase a life that didn't even exist but in other experiences, it's a more internal shift, like knowing a relationships isn't right for you, or feeling as if the universe is pushing you into a new career even though you make good money and have worked 10 years at your current job but regardless when we stay somewhere or try to hold onto something that we know is no longer for us the universe WILL move you, either by choice or by force.
When it came to Wolf I became so tired of suffering that, after a long time fighting, all I could do was surrender. I realised that I was only holding on to a false idea of a life I was missing, which was giving me some perceived level of control over my life. I reminded myself constantly that i was always divinely guided and protected, even if i couldn’t see an end destination, i had no expectations of where my life would lead me, besides setting the intention that i would only align with things on my divine path, ask me if i knew what that path was please, because i had no idea but i was open, completely open, i had nothing to lose, i was going to be a mom whether i resisted it or not, so why not just immerse myself in the uncertainty and allow life to guide me to where i needed to be, and that it did.
Within the space of a month i ended up encountering an old friend who i didn’t imagine reconnecting with in a million years, she was going to thailand and the opportunity arose for me to go with her, i didn’t know how i was going to afford it, or how it would practically work with wolf, but believe me when i tell you, IF THE UNIVERSE HAS SOMETHING MEANT FOR YOU IT WILL SORT OUT THE HOWS, all you have to do is be open to receiving it and having the courage to take the risks. That trip to Thailand then became a catalyst for the woman that is writing this now. I ended up going through some deep transformations and accessing another level of clarity that I had never known prior. When I returned back to the UK I met so many beautiful souls that helped me on my path, as I found my passion for speaking and expressing, I started doing videos on my old instagram and within a short time created a platform where i would share my journey and spiritual insights. I travelled abroad solo a few more times that year, entered a connection that changed and showed me a lot about myself and genuinely felt more aligned than I ever had.
All of this became possible because I stepped into the unknown, I trusted the universe and allowed myself to remain open to the endless possibilities that could happen for me. I won’t say i went into the unknown overly optimistic, it was of a more neutral feeling, but i then started to feel excited, like i could sense a new phase, even though i didn’t know what it entailed.
This story was my biggest reminder to myself as I was experiencing my anxieties yesterday and I reminded myself of every other time that I had trusted and things turned out better than expected.
I enjoy listening to Dr Joe Dispenza, as he talks alot about the quantum field and that in the unknown is where infinite possibilities lay, literally. Anything can be born out of it, any desired reality, any life of our choosing, we just have to be brave and release anything that may be holding us back. I like to affirm to myself when i feel the fear of stepping in to the unknown, whether leaving a relationship, a job, ending a phase in my life or simply just seeking more that “everything always works out for me, for my highest good and in the best possible way, even if i don't yet see the how”, i also remind myself that the universe rewards our bravery, our willingness to trust and ability to create space by walking away from things that are no longer meant for us by allowing room for bigger and better to come.
I say all this to say, Don’t be afraid, everything is working out best case scenario.
With love, Eleven x
