First Love from a Different Perspective
Intro
Few months back someone dear to me shared something states that when parents are our first love, why people neglect them. It triggered something in me. Concept of first love, I strangely came across in a chess book in King’s Indian Defense I read when I was in grade 11, where he had a crush on a girl in their chess academy, how she blundered in an important tournament trying to see his interesting game, which marked last time seeing her with the title ‘First Love Never Dies’. As I was young and stupid then, it sank to bottom of my heart. Unknowingly chess was associated with love for me, something I never realized until that day. So for the longest time, I was searching for someone who play chess, thinking that is where I would find my sweetheart. But there was a one person, that none of my rules applied. It was like a short-circuit in logic ‘OR’. If the first condition is true, in this case she likes me, then rest is never even considered. She is the first person I ever found beautiful, and still is. So surely “she is my first love, right?”, I asked from my mind. “Not exactly”, mind replied.
Composition of Love — Lust and Attraction
People interpret different things as love. Some say it is the lust, that brings up your primal instincts. Others say it is the attraction, that gives you a happy feeling when they are around you. More often than not, relationships are built based on these two factors, even people get married with just these two. Problem is according to research paper from Harvard, these two built based on increase of hormones like Dopamine and Norepinephrine and decrease of hormones like serotonin. This is not designed for lasting relationship, but rather long enough to get their offspring mature enough, because like a drug, you have to keep topping it up. So what happens if you didn’t keep getting these hormones, well that is what called the mid life crisis.
First two; lust and attraction, you can find in any animal. They serve single purpose, which is reproduction for survival of own species. World is not perfect, so finding someone compatible to each other is very difficult and rare. Therefore nature came up with a plan to trick animals with above mentioned hormones. Which shut off prefrontal cortex of the brain, which include rational behavior. In simple terms you loose rational thinking. You stop noticing anything you dislike about your partner, and start thinking that they are perfect. So you marry an ideal image that in your mind, rather than the real person. With time, reality comes crashing down. When you start noticing all the flaws, and left with a regret, have I made a mistake? is where you either divorce or start having extramarital affairs.
Composition of Love that matters — Attachment
Does that mean lust and attraction is not love? Well love is little bit more complex than that. It could have each, either or none of them, but most important factor is attachment. Attachment is the bond between minds of two people. This bond created with mutual understanding with the acceptance of each others flaws. Feeling that you want to hug other person, hold hands or kiss in the forehead. Just want to stay in each others company, with the feelings that I am not alone anymore. When you get there, world become so simple. Nothing bothers you, because just talking to your favorite person could solve everything. This is where you find love.
Real Meaning of Love
What most of us fail to realize is love I describe above usually we don’t find in couples, rather it describes how a parent feels about their child. When we were little, parents will hug you, kiss you in the forehead, hold your hand and protect you, expecting nothing in return. They care for us more than we can start to comprehend. This is where we experience what love actually make us feel. But still we have no clue about love. So we start searching for someone who could make you feel closest to that feeling. For guys, that someone is a person who resembles their mother and for girls vise versa.
Anyone who are lucky to receive that pure form of love from their parents, have really high standard for the partner they choose. They don’t have to settle for someone who is good enough, because you already have more than enough love. So more often than not, people from such families marry late, because it a conscious decision, rather than something you make as a slave to your feelings. Sadly this is not the social norm and perceive single people weaklings, as they haven’t give up and settled.
I have established that parents loves us and we experience that feeling. But when do we really start loving them. We like them from very little, we even care for them, but we don’t start loving them until we are matured and had to deal with the world. At that point we come into our sensors, all the sacrifices they have made to protect you from the world. Something they have done which would infuriate you then, but if you look back in their shoes, you would realize that they did it in the best interest of you. But majority will start realizing this much later in their live, when they face similar situation with their own children. Sadly at that time ship has already sailed, and left with a regret that
“We should have treated them better, when they were still around”
Soul where beauty resides
So some of my close friends inquire, if you already have more than enough love from our parents, why should we bother getting married? Why complicate our lives, by shoulder all the burden? Single life, simple life, right? Well again the same reason, love. Taking care of us is hard work for them. Most importantly they worry about our future, that we will be alone after they are no longer. This could make unfinished business for them, which prevents them from moving on after their last breath. So we should find a way to detach them from us. Simplest way is finding someone to share your life. World is not always rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes we seems to think that there is no good people left, but if you can see beyond the physical properties, there are so many beautiful souls that we don’t bother to stop to hear their voice.
So what is beauty. If you find someone hot or sexy, then you have lust towards them. If you find someone pretty or cute, then you attracted to them. But if you find someone beautiful, then you attached to them, you care for them, in other words your fall for them. Because beauty is not something you can see, but something you feel in your soul. Since the world gives so much value for something worthless as physical appearance, even the most beautiful souls starts to doubt their value. More often than not narcissists exploit their good nature, gaslight them to make them feel worthless so they will be under their control. If they face such situation even once their life, they will close down all the doors and block anyone ever try to get closer, regardless they have best intention for them. If you found someone like that and you have pure intentions, never give up, and try to build their trust. One day they will open up to you and you will earn a friend or a partner who will last your life time.
Ultimately mind replied,
“ She was my first love…”
