chaosdept
chaosdept
Jul 25, 2017 · 4 min read

CHAOS DEPT.
©TEMPLE OF MERCURY, LLC

EPISODE 1: HONK HONK HONK TWINKLE

COLD OPEN::

EXT. DEMOLISHED CITY STREETS — MID-DAY

PAN across mountains of demolished buildings & burnt-out husks of giant robot parts.

In the foreground, a white flash leaves a Worker holding a shovel.

M1:
…man, there’s no fucking WAY you’d be able to tell if I was half-high at work, man!

< TITLE SEQUENCE & EPISODE CARD HERE >

MAIN SCENE::

M2 is shaking his head and reading the Mission Brief.

M2:
Uh-huh… You better define your terms, motherfucker..!!

M1:
I’ll bet you ten bucks right now that I could stay half-high ALL DAY and you’d never even know it! I’ll bet you twenty!

M2:
hah! Man, that’s not shit. The real trick would be to stay half-HARD all day…

M1:
Hah! Man, there’s all kindsa shit you can take for that! I tried ’em all. What I look for is improved RESPONSE TIME. Hashtag sleeping giant.

M2:
“Sleepy Giant”? Is that that quarter-pounder donut place? I’ll bet you can’t stay HALF-HUNGRY all day, you fat bitch!

M1:
Hah! Fuck you!

M2 laughs.

WORKER 2 is looking through the Mission Brief, shows it to WORKER 1:

M2:
Check it out: Looks like this place had a transexual President.

M2 shows M1 the Mission Brief.

M1 no longer has the shovel.

M1:
Oh, no shit..?

M2:
Yup. Super-famous retired athlete dude. Decided to fuck around with some real-life photoshop and got everyone’s attention, and then got their vote.

M1:
Man… Great athlete though. Goddamn thoroughbred.

M2:
Yup.

M1:
You can change the plumbing all you want, but that’s the grundle of a champion, right there!

M2:
Goddamn taint like a moose! You know, you could grow up to be President.

M1:
Hah! Fuck YOU! (laughing): You know, if I WAS President, I wouldn’t give a FUCK. I’d be all old, sittin’ around the White House in a nice silk robe all day, playin’ with my fake titties…

M2 is putting the Mission Brief away.

M2:
HAH!!! Not me man, I’d be working hard for the People, kissing babies an’ shit NONSTOP. I’d be fucking BELOVED. I’d be like Jorge the Giraffe and shit.

M1:
Hah, wha-at?

M2:
Jorge the Giraffe, man! You don’t remember that tv show?

M1:
Some kinda shitty cut-rate internet cartoon?

M2:
Naw man…! It was based on a real dude, Juan-Pablo Jorge Ricardo…

WORKER 1 is holding a huge green crab leg and removing a sneaker from it.

M1:
Some immigrant zookeeper and his twelve anchor babies?

M2:
Hah, fuck you! No, he was a badass; like a small-time third-world drug lord, then his operation grew until he took over the entire narcotics industry worldwide. “The Giraffe” was like his Mafia name, you know? Like Jimmy the Chin, or Jake the Snake. In real life he was eventually killed by the Federales or some shit, but the tv show just kept going! It was supposed to be just like a generic crime drama, run for a couple of seasons, but the ratings were so high they kept making it. Ran for like fucking 40 years or some crazy shit!

M1:
What the fuck..?

M2:
Yeah man. You would have loved it. Eventually the tv version, he was going on intergalactic adventures and granting wishes to children all across the universe. He was like a handsome swashbuckling Space Pope and shit. He had a big goofy alien sidekick, and a LONG series of beautiful, loving wives that would always tragically die in his arms at the end of each season.

M1:
HAH!!! That’s amazing!!

We hear a horrendously loud and deep sickly groaning noise lasting an uncomfortably long time. No one takes notice. They continue working, moving shovels around, or peering at detritus.

M1:
Clownloads.

M2 is shaking his head and grinning while slowly and carefully pulling a metal bone out of the broken end of a giant green crab claw.

M2:
What?

M1:
Clownloads.

M2:
What the fuck are you saying..?

M1 [enunciating]:
CLOWNLOADS. That’s the giant donut place… All clowns and shit.

M2:
What…? I was just…

SPLITSCREEN of a scene with a CLOWN angrily looking a down and a little sideways, and up at us. His arm is twitching. Sound of continual honking…

M1:
…where the frosting and sprinkles and candy and shit are all jizzed out by a clown’s dick.

M2:
HAAHAA!! Oh FUCK…

SPLITSCREEN of the CLOWN: Sound of honking gets faster, then abruptly stops, replaced by twinkling chimes. The CLOWN faces us, now smiling and shows a fancy giant “loaded” donut, covered in frosting, sprinkles and candy.

M1:
Yeah. You pick your basic giant donut, and then you pick your frostings, and toppings and candy sprinkle garbage, and then somehow it all gets into the clown, and well it’s all jizzed out by the clown’s dick onto the giant donut.

M2, uncomfortable:
Uhhm… wow, that’s… fucked up.

[Close SPLITSCREEN inset.]

M1 looks wistfully into the distance.

M1:
mm… still good though…

M2:
Hashtag sugar dick.

M1:
Hashtag ball sprinkles.

M2 pulls THE BUTTON out.

M2:
Hashtag Manna from Bozo.

M1:
Hashtag greasepaint crotch fire.

M2:
Hashtag dick wig.

M1:
Hashtag frosting monkey unicycle.

M2:
HAH!!!

Both Laughing.

M2 pushes THE BUTTON.

Flash, strobing WHITE.

CREDITS.

END★