CHAOS DEPT.
©TEMPLE OF MERCURY, LLC

EPISODE 2: Draggin’ Ballz

COLD OPEN::

Ext meadow clearing, dusk, low light.

FADE IN: Night sky.

[We hear the howl of wind rising in the background]

PAN DOWN: Trees, forest clearing, scorched areas.

M1 [VO]:
Man it’s getting cold.

M2 [VO]:
(mock scared) Oooh…! I can’t feel my nuts..! You fucking baby!

M1, wearing CROWN w/pricetag:
Hah!!! Fuck you!!

< TITLE SEQUENCE & THEME MUSIC HERE >

We see a grassy moonlit clearing in a primordial forest, unspoiled other than the occasional blackened and scorched patch, occasionally smoldering. It is cold and windy. We can hear the wind whining in the trees faintly.

In the background, a dense moonlit forest stretches as far as we can see, over rolling hills.

In the foreground, our heroes are picking thru the grass and undergrowth, sometimes collecting what look like medieval weapons or costuming.

M1 is bent low, picking up a cheap plastic tiara, and putting it in a container.

M2 is examining a broken sword.

A wolf cries off in the distance, barely noticeable over the howl of the wind.

Suddenly a 3D polygonal hologram-type shape flickers in and out of sight nearby.

M1, with CROWN on head:
What the fuck…?

M2:
Woah, haven’t seen one of those in a while.

M1:
Must have been a glitch in Post that never got cleaned up.

M2, looking around:
This a “light-hearted medieval fantasy adventure”, right?

M1:
Yeah, probably just some buffoonish ogre bitch or some shit.

M2 throws the sword in the general direction of the 3D shape:
Yeah, or a big-ass 3D dragon pulling his scaly green dick out!!

M2 throws broken sword in general direction of the 3D shape.

M1:
hah!! hashtag cockfire.

M2 [holding up cupped hands]:
hashtag dragonballzzz.

M1:
Man, I saw my Gramps in the shower once, he was DEFINITELY dragging balls. Damn!… Shit was just HANGIN’!

M2 [with bad Shakespearean accent]:
Hah! Mayhaps yonder apparition twas a scantily-clad enchantress bitch with a magical ass and titties like cannonballs! Hmm..?

A wolf cries off in the distance, barely noticeable over the howl of the wind.

M1, looking around nervously, putting lid on JAR:
uh… heh. Sounds like the skank I was with last night. She had this weird like, fake fancy accent, but she was obviously just Valley trash.

The wind picks up, the whining of the wind gets louder for a few seconds, and then subsides a little bit, but is louder than it was previously.

M2 a bit nervously:
Hah… Yeah… I was hanging out with a trashy girl a while back… It was weird, one time… she had… it was like… How do I put this… Man, you ever going downtown on a girl, right… everything’s perfect; not too fast, not too slow… you got one hand on her favorite tit, right, and the other hand is working the family business, and then… out of nowhere, your tongue hits…

Ms 1:
…One of those weird little paper balls…!

M2 [laughing]:
YES!! Right?!!?

M1 [laughing]:
Oh shit!! What the fuck…?

M2:
I mean you don’t know what the fuck to do, you don’t want them to feel bad about it, but… what the fuck is up with that?

M1:
Right! Even though it’s happened before…

M2:
And every time it does I’m always like… What the fuck??… did you just take your pussy out of the dryer?

M1:
Hah! Did you leave a receipt in it?

M2:
You gotta turn that shit inside out!

M1:
Check the pockets before you wash that motherfucker… shake that shit out!! (Does a little shake dance).

M2:
Right! So just outta curiosity, I took the little paper ball, I unraveled it like it was out of a fortune cookie…

M1:
Oh shit!

M2:
yeah. I couldn’t make out the fortune… but I played the lucky numbers on the back and won a hundred bucks…!

M1 laughing:
hah-hahHAHA!! You split it with her?

M2:
Hell no, she’s been eating my food, drank my last beer… at least I can get some lotto numbers out of this tramp!

Both laughing:
hah-hahHAHA!!

Crown falls off M1’s head:

CUT to wide shot of Background.

CUT to shot of the Clearing. The wind picks up again, gets louder for a few seconds, and then subsides a little bit, but is louder than it was previously. Wolves howl. Suddenly the 3D polygonal hologram-type shape flickers in and out of sight nearby.

M1:
Hah! That shit is fucked up, all the mundane shit that gets worked in with computers that no one even fucking notices. Used to be that computerized shit was obvious… like the main shit…

M2 with VIKING HELMET:
Hah! Yeah, like now it’s the shit that nobody even cares about, but costs some studio Exec asshole’s budget millions of dollars.

M1:
Shit, there’s already companies and studios that’s all they do: they just specialize in really specific realistic CGI stuff, like 3D smoke, or hair…

M2:
Or underwater mermaid farts. That’s gotta be a thing…

M1:
hashtag Hobbit pussy.

SPLITSCREEN: STUDIO EXEC.

M2:
There’s gotta be some Executive Producer dickhead in an editing room somewhere… [in Exec Producer voice]: ”I know what this movie’s missing… we need a COCKFIGHT!!! Who do we know…”

SPLITSREEN: RECEPTIONIST

M1:
Cut to a shot of a hot young receptionist picking up the phone: “Good Afternoon, Cockfight Studios.”

M2:
HAHAHHA!!!

M1:
Hah! You get the feathers, you get the blood…

SPLITSCREEN: STUDIO EXEC.

M2 [in Exec Producer voice]:
”It needs more corn!”

M1:
hashtag 3D chicken jizz.

M2:
hashtag perfectly rendered dwarf dick.

M1:
hashtag goblin choad.

[Both laughing]

CUT TO Forest clearing. The sound of wind and wolves howling gets louder, momentarily drowning out the sound of conversation for a few seconds.

M1 is inspecting a KING’S SCEPTRE.

M1, wearing JESTER’S CAP:
… so they had the usual, right: rubber dicks of different sizes and colors, some with moving parts, the usual shit. But dude then they had a rubber dick shaped like a FIST and shit…

M2 is inspecting a BATTLE AXE.

M2, still wearing VIKING HELMET:
Hah! Right…

M1:
… So I was like joking, and I was like man, what’s next, rubber dicks shaped like feet?

M2:
Hah!

M1:
No but dude then I was like, I thought about how many of these products must get moved in a year, and that little entrepreneurial part of my head was like wow, what IS next? Maybe rubber dicks shaped like feet..?

[We hear the howl of wind rising in the background]

M2:
Oh shit, right…

M1:
Right?!!?

M2:
Kinda hard to get a real foot actually UP your ass…

M1:
I dunno man, you know the Old Rule… Whatever crazy shit you can imagine, some poor bastard out there is doing it.

M2:
Or at least trying…

M1:
Or at least REALLY wanting..

M2:
Hah, yeah. I mean fuck, we could do all kinds of new crazy shit. Rubber dick shaped like a ballerina foot…

M1:
…could do a foot with puka-shells on the ankle…

M2:
…rubber dick shaped like a gnarly old hippie lady’s foot, with all rings and bracelets…

M1:
…ooh and a fat bunion… Maybe some hammertoes! and whatever the fuck CORNS are…

M2:
…oh shit, right, a whole group of different AILMENTS and shit! Somebody out there wants a rubber dick shaped like a foot with bad arch support shoved up their ass.

[We hear the howl of wind rising in the background]

M1:
hah!!! Genius! What about a sprained ankle?

M2:
oh shit, but why stop there?

M1:
What, like a rubber dick shaped like a knee with a icepack on it? Maybe a torn ACL?

M2:
Hah! Fucking rubber tennis elbow hangin’ out your mom’s ass!

M1: 
HAHAAHH!!! Rubber dick shaped like your bosses leg!!

M2:
Ooh, or your bosses WIFE’S leg…

M1:
Hah!!! She IS always trampin’ it up at the Holiday Party…

M2:
Dude, what about a rubber dick shaped like an animal foot! Fucking pet dogs and shit. Be like safe legal bestiality.

M1:
or why stop with just the foot? Fuck dude, a rubber dick shaped like a dog snout!! Or shit, the whole dog! Dauschunds would be a hit.

M2:
or maybe you’re grieving the loss of a pet, and we could do CUSTOM jobs. Rubber dicks shaped like Colonel Sweetie’s back leg… [Old lady voice]… mmmhh… He would have been twenty years old today… Uunnghh…

M1:
Hahhhhah… Or what about a pig’s foot… ooh goat foot!!

M2:
Hah! For the Gourmand in the family!

M1:
Or those little chicken feet like at the Dim Sum restaurant? Sell ’em by the dozen.

M2:
Dude, Fucking horse leg!

M1:
Rubber dick shaped like a buffalo leg for the Outdoorsman in the family.

M2:
Or be just chillin’ with a rubber dick shaped like a giraffe’s hoof hanging out of your ass!!! All EXOTIC and shit!!!

M1:
We could do product tie-ins to entertainment franchises… Or celebrity animals… Dude, fucking wookies and shit?

M2:
Who doesn’t want s rubber dick shaped like their favorite TV dragon’s scaly claw up their ass??

M1 [using TV VOICE]:
Well, you know, the Holidays are right around the corner…

M2 [using TV VOICE]:
…Imagine the look on your sweetheart’s face when they wake up Christmas morning with a rubber dick shaped like a REINDEER hanging out of their ass…

[both laughing]

CUT to shot of the clearing. The sound of wolves howling gets louder.

Both look around nervously.

M1:
Shit! Let’s get out of here…

M2:
Yup…

M2 pushes THE BUTTON.

Cut to strobing WHITE.

END★