Back to square 1…

So they say your thirties are the best years of your life, right?

I mean in a way it’s true. You’re finally fully independent, you’re making money, it’s still acceptable to wake up with a mild hangover, you’re not yet battling the wrinkles and gray hairs of your forties…and generally you have met « the one » — that one special person, who is not only your best friend, but also your true partner in life.

Yup, your thirties are, on paper, supposed to be amazing.

Now, I’m 32 and yes I am FINALLY fully independent, I’m making an OK living, I do sometimes wake up with a hangover (but I think that’s more the fact that I’m just so much more prone to them now…), but let me be honest — my life is nowhere near as perfect as most 30 year olds….

I still lace up my Converse sneakers to work.

I still wear my hair in a pony tail.

I’m still sporting a pretty dingy Old Navy plaid shirt, that I love.

My fridge is still as empty as it was back in college.

And I’m still…well…single and pretty lost as to what the hell direction I am taking with my life.

Well, I’m recently single to be exact.

See, up until a few weeks ago, I truly believed I was that perfect thirty-something.

I had the job, I had the cool independent lifestyle, I had the confidence and I had the guy.

The perfect guy. The adventurous type, willing to pack up in a split second and travel the world, yet down to earth with a solid head on his shoulders. It all seemed so perfect. It all seemed so promising. I truly thought: this is it.

But as with all seemingly perfect stories…..seemingly being the key word…well the ending was not that which I had expected. In a split, blind sighted second it was over…

And so, back to square 1.

Square 1 is not an easy place.

Square 1 does not feel like a safe place.

Square 1 can be intimidating, daunting and incredibly frightening.

Square 1 can make you cry, can make you anxious and can make you lose a shitload of sleep.

But — and I truly mean this — sometimes Square 1 can bring a little peace and liberty.

I’m, back at Square 1.

I’m 32. I’m single.

Everyone around me is either married, getting married, having kids, or already has kids.

I have a dog.

And I am so scared. Sad and scared.

Sad to have lost someone who I thought was the one.

Scared to have to start over.

And, embarrassingly, scared to so clearly be deviating from the pack — that is to say all of my clearly “established” friends.

But, as I mentioned, Square 1 can also be liberating.

I’m 32, I’m now unattached and I can now do whatever it is I want to do.

Take cheese making classes, start western riding lessons, climb Mount Kilimanjaro, run the New York half marathon…these are all things I want to do, I know I can do, and now I have 100% of my personal time, energy, emotion and spirit to devote to.

Let me be brutally honest — There is nothing in the world I would want more than to meet the right person and have a family, but I am not going to force it. I am not going to serial date and spend months and years over drinks with the wrong fellows…I am going to live my dreams one by one and take advantage of this beautiful freedom. And you know what — I have full confidence that I will meet, that right one, when I least expect it, doing what it is I love to do.

Yes, your thirties can be scary. Yes, they can be unpredictable. But, by god I am not going to let them pass in regret!

So on that note, I leave you just for now. The truth is I have my first Western riding lesson calling my name ;)

Flora xoxo