
I struggled with giving up
Which is the tougher fight — Not loving what you do, or not having enough willpower to follow through?
At first I thought that as long as I had passion, I could get through anything. I mean, the sheer will and force of my love towards something should get me to the end of the line. That was how I always was when it came to the simpler aspects of life.
I think of myself as a very good romantic partner. When it comes to loyalty and being a good friend, I’m sure I top the class. Because of my love for the person, I go all the way.
It’s the same for my hobbies too. I love programming and designing UI — It’s something I’ve always loved. Never once have I thought of giving that up.
But when it comes to my career, well, unlike every 36 year old, I’m still trying to figure out which path I should be embarking on. I’ve tried all kinds of stuff, from a change of job roles to entrepreneurship. I narrowed things down to realising I love to:
1) Creating stuffs online
2) Express myself
3) Feel how others feel
It boiled down to the obvious that I would like to achieve — I’d become a writer, an entrepreneur.
I also knew that with that profession, came something I couldn’t deal well with. Hardship. And a lot of criticism. I’ve always had the same weakness growing up — I hated to be judged. Since as far back in my youth that I can recall, I was always bothered by how others viewed me and my work. The only reason why I love programming or designing as much is because I knew it was something I couldn’t do wrong.
The hard part about writing professionally, other than the criticism from others, is the amount of work I need to put in before it’s even considered to be started. The hours to get the research done, the amount of material I need to sieve through, the skeletons and ideas to conceptualise, and the most painful one of them all, pick out only one idea I’d use — throw the rest away.
I figured things out with experience from my entrepreneurship — had a small segment that required me to create some written content for a campaign. That experience was priceless, and it made me realise how much I love the putting myself in someone else’s shoes and expressing that through words, marketing. I also learnt that the effort I had to put in, if I choose to go pro, would multiply ten fold. Tough call.
But well, time was of the essence and I decided to jump into it, because if not now — then when?
The subsequent ones were not as easy though when doing marketing on my software as a service product. Not only did the topics get deeper into aspects I didn’t quite care so much about, I too started having trouble seeing things from another person’s point of view.
What was I going to do? I could always take the same route I always took and re-iterate my style again. Maybe land myself something easier this time — a simple job doing newsletter or mailing list or something (no offence to people in this line). Yeah, there would be the new struggles, but I’m quite sure my opinion wouldn’t be put on the line every time for every task.
I struggled on with this way of life for the past 2 months. I was always looking for other way that I could jump to within the different way of marketings, but nothing else quite fit my skill sets. I came to realise the only way out of this mess, is through.
It didn’t come easy for me at first. I am someone with close to zero willpower and determination. I was stubborn as a mule, so that character trait didn’t help with tricking my mind to think from another angle. But despite it all I told myself that I had to find a way to curb this. I was dragging myself to work and didn’t have much motivation to write anymore.
With the help of a mentor, whom I also consider a close friend, I started learning how to not give in to that inner voice that prevented me from moving forward. Self-help books, articles, motivational success stories were a way of life for me. I eventually managed to psycho myself into a more acceptable frame of mind, but something still held me back.
The tipping point was actually one of the more animalistic instincts of a human being. It was fear. It finally hit me one day — If I don’t put in that extra effort in doing something I like doing (in the bigger picture), I will end up going on that wild goose hunt for my next “thing” again. Who knows how long that will last, or if I will even get there.
If I let go of writing now, just because of my own inability of pressing on despite the odds, I might never find something I feel so passionately towards ever again.
It hit me hard. The one thing I feared more than my problem with generating content I somewhat disagreed with, was losing myself within the rat-race of a career I hated. I had living, breathing examples of people stuck in that trap all around me.
Most of my schoolmates ended up doing jobs they hate, but because they’re already so used to it, they’re afraid to quit. Cousins in the family complain about their jobs every time we have a gathering. What’s scary is that they don’t even realise the harm they’re inflicting to themselves. All the ambition, the creativity, the hunger for doing more… It went away.
No one seemed to even have the opportunity to be in the limbo I was in. I could never quite shake off that fear of falling into the trap they did.
To support my passion, I had to be determined. Instead of choosing a single quality, I realised they’re both equally important to get me closer to my goal.
It was do or die. I chose ‘do’.
The struggle is real — I admit, I’m still in the midst of the struggle now. But it gets easier and more manageable as time passes. Luckily for me, I found that passion back. It’s like a bell curve, the moment I hit my lowest dipping point of liking what I do, the only way moving forward, is up.
I’ve come to accept the downs of what my career brings, but nothing can stop me from hitting that high after my articles are posted and talked about. Nothing, not even my own mind, can stop me from expressing my thoughts in words.
I’m glad I experienced this life-changing struggle earlier in my career progression journey. At least from now on, I know I will have enough determination to upkeep my passion for a long, long time.
