FATHERLESSNESS DISORDER: A Real Diagnosis
I was asked to submit a piece for this project, and to be honest I didn’t know what I could contribute. Honestly, I did not want to submit a piece that was not written from a pure place. As such, I reflected on my journey as the founder and CEO of the country’s first mental health center for child, paternal health and male engagement. Afterwards, I dug deep within to find an authentic voice that could offer insight to support fathers and the children who are forced to live without them. In doing so, I decided to focus on fatherlessness and the residual effects that are felt among men and women in this country and abroad.
Whether the father is physically and/or emotionally absent, his presence matters. And the lack of presence is felt for years, thus impacting the generations that follow. The phenomenon of fatherlessness and its health risk can no longer be overlooked. I will discuss the symptoms of fatherlessness; afterwards an example of the symptoms that can surface from fatherlessness will be shared, beginning with my own.
Out of all the disorders in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM), there is no diagnosis that describes the mental duress children and adults experience from not having an involved, present father. It is imperative that the reader is aware of the damage that is caused when a father is absent, either physically and/or emotionally. The symptoms that are associated to the disorder I would like to coin as ‘Fatherlessness Disorder,’ have surfaced repeatedly in my work with individuals (men and women) who’ve struggled living with father absenteeism. The symptoms of Fatherlessness Disorder are as follows:
Fatherlessness Disorder:
- Emotional pain (prolonged anger and sadness)
- Bouts of Depression (feelings of worthlessness)
- Projected anger (external: evidenced by violent behaviors against others)
- Internal: suicidal thoughts/attempt
- Persistent search for a father
- Men: search of father figure in groups and/or other individuals
- Women: search of father figure in relationships with partner
I have specialized in fatherhood and male engagement for years. My first client was me, Charles Clayton Daniels, Jr. In 2009, I was a college student with no children. Imprinted in my DNA was a sense of worthlessness, something I have come to regard as dangerous and soul sucking. At the root of this feeling was a child who continued to blame himself for his father’s absence. The only possible explanation he could formulate without any evidence was that he (Charles) was the cause of his father’s absence. That child never grew up. Instead, he found a place inside me to fester, where worthlessness joined anger and sadness, ravaging his soul. This child’s pain eventually became unimaginable.
One day, I was fed up with the child’s cries. This child cried because his father was not around to see him play at the stadium, teach him how to drive, play football and have a conversation about life. The symptoms of fatherlessness almost killed me. And continues to kill others, incarcerate others, impregnate others, and physically abuse others.I’m convinced we cannot effectively address fatherhood without addressing fatherlessness. Of equal importance is the father who regrets being absent and struggles to re-engage. As a therapist, I now realize that some form of closure was needed for me to move forward in my own life; an opportunity to separate myself from my father’s decision to separate from me. I found closure when I had the opportunity to tell my father I forgave him.
He responded by informing me that I should never disrespect him again and that he was in my life by contributing financially. At that moment, I realized that my father was responding to a perceived threat that had nothing to do with me. That threat was embedded in the spirit of shame and guilt. He did not hear the words, “I forgive you daddy and welcome you to be a part my life and my son’s life.” He heard, “You weren’t there physically, you are the blame.”
Fatherlessness takes place when a man is traumatized, leaving his dismantled spirit and damaged self worth to believe he is no good to his child. The child suffers when he feels unworthy. The bullet of shame ends up wounding two innocent people.
A young man discharged from the local hospital after being treated for suicidal ideations and violent behavior was recently under my care. I recognized Fatherlessness Disorder in him. His mother was concerned about him and did not know where to begin. I remember the look in her eyes as she gave this description of her son: “He was drinking a lot, got into a lot of fights and was talking about killing his father. He always asks me why his father wants nothing to do with him. He is now 16 years old and has never met him. He wants to see him so bad…” She wanted him to meet with me to receive assistance with coping with the anger, sadness and rage he was experiencing.
While working together, we struggled with making sense of his father’s absence and how “he wants nothing to do with me.” He desperately encouraged his mother to continue reaching out to his father’s family. The wait each time was disturbing for the client. There were days when the family didn’t respond, and he lashed out with outbursts in school, heavy drinking, and a constant search for validation in unhealthy ways. At the root of our work together was the attempt to separate his father’s choices and the way they made him feel from who he was as a person. The two were intertwined and caused severe injury each time. As he began to understand who he was, separate from his father’s choices, he understood he cannot blame himself for the actions of another person. Finally, healing began to take place. His drinking decreased substantially as he worked on understanding how to care for himself through a series of interventions.
In one of the most surprising moments, his father responded to his mother’s request for him to meet his son, and a time and place was arranged. I remember my meeting with him prior to him meeting his father. He said, “I will forgive my father because I know how valuable I am today…” This touched me deeply and taught me two things. First, pain is normal and we can learn to live with it if we understand its origins. Second, healing takes places when we can separate the things that others have done to us from how we see ourselves. This young man blamed himself for his father’s choices. Today, he loves himself and has made strides towards his goals of graduating from high school and attending college.
His mother sent me a picture of him and his father together for the first time ever with the following message:
“Hi Charles. Wanted to tell you he met his Father last night. They spent 3 hours together playing pool and talking. He told him he wasn’t angry anymore and that he forgives him. He has come along way. You were part of his journey and helped him face this. “
He was like me and I like him. A survivor of undiagnosed Fatherlessness Disorder.
