The Little Grey Box the Narcissist Puts You In
I first took a keen interest in the subject of narcissism in late 2020. I was desperate to wrap my head around certain intractable interpersonal dynamics which had all but rendered me mentally paralyzed and for which I had not found a plausible explanation/solution despite searching far and wide in most conventional settings. Then by serendipity, Google threw up the suggestion that I may have been dealing with a case of narcissism.
Initially I was leery of the suggestion as it sounded rather far-fetched as a “thing” worthy of consideration in the context of my circumstances. I can’t tell you why I had this impression, but it was there. I suppose it was informed by the notion I then had of narcissism being just a case of exaggerated immodesty, which case would be fit for resolution through moral introspection by the narcissist; of which I was convinced I wasn’t one.
Anyway, the first few hours of engagement with the concept quickly changed my mind, got me hooked. Almost all the information I came by uncannily aligned with my lived experience. I took a deep dive. I voraciously read anything and everything I could lay my hands on. I got crossed-eyed from watching tons of related YouTube videos. I foraged for scraps of information from every nook and cranny until I began to see a clearer picture.
This process churned up a whole gamut of uncomfortable, sometimes violent, often contradictory thoughts, feelings, and emotions in me. On the one hand, I was relieved and excited that I had found a fitting label for, and the language to appreciate, express and validate my experience. It was also quite comforting to be able to apply my efforts of enquiry in a way that would produce “viable” and “tangible” results, as opposed to the blind, endless speculation, which I had, until then, indulged in; running hither and thither like a headless chicken. But the journey also led me down a darkened, dampened, and lonely path as I uncovered the nature, meaning, and ramifications of narcissism.
By definition, (I paraphrase) narcissism as a psychological disorder, is broadly characterized by rigid, controlling, power-seeking, entitled, self-serving, exploitative, grandiose, non-empathetic behaviour. But on the receiving end, you don’t immediately get to notice most of these because it is often deftly covered up with layers of attractive camouflage. Your initial encounter is most likely going to be with a charming, magnetic, empathetic, kindly, solicitous, kindred soul — the type they don’t make anymore, the one that is exactly what the doctor ordered. You swallow the bait, and you are reeled in.
Then by degrees, hell is tactfully unleashed: a toxic but potent bittersweet mixture of pleasure and pain released in seemingly erratic but perfectly timed intervals by the narcissist for maximum effect. In a few short months, you don’t know who you are, and you don’t know whether you are coming or going. You have abandoned your castle on the hill and now live in a little grey cell with a high window with steel bars, through which the narcissist occasionally lets in some light on a whim. This is not just any light but light of a peculiar wavelength which only lets you see what the narcissist wants you to see.
From what I now know about narcissists, there is something about them that makes them see reality as being made up entirely of their own experience. They cannot conceive of you or any other person as having a separate reality. To the extent that your experience and theirs align, you are safe. Beyond that, some ever-vigilant magical clippers in their minds will quickly and ruthlessly truncate your reality to fit into theirs. You can bleed to death for all they care. They will be humming happily to themselves while patting you on the head for being such a sweet sport, seeing as you are so great together, aren’t you? This, even as you wilt in their deathly chokehold. If perchance you die, it will be because of something you did or didn’t do: your fault, never theirs.
What happens when you do wake up to the reality of your captivity? Firstly, if you are “lucky” you might. Most people don’t. But if you do do, this is when things get hairier. Because, in a manner of speaking, narcissism is like a virus, it must live off a host (you) and it will do anything to survive, including mutating however many times it must. It would rather kill you, first, even if it means you both die. In other words, narcissists are notorious shapeshifters. Just when you think you have figured something out about them, they morph into something unrecognizable. Something about them seems to be able to keep them one-step ahead of you all the time. They seem to be able to anticipate your protests or rebellion well in advance and smother or deflect them. If you still attempt to hold your own, they will unleash such hellfire that in spite of yourself, you will be inclined to back down and crawl back into the pseudo-safety of your little grey box.
Yes, it is now yours! You have made it home.