Habit at the Habitat

Why asking if everything is okay as the default response to change sucks!

Annoying Habits?

Habit. It can be annoying, like the rhythmic snoring of your spouse that drives you mad! It can also be nice like the good morning kiss you get from your partner.

The reality of habit is that, whether something irks you to no end or provides you with unimaginable joy, you respond to it in a way that is not only automatic but also — in some ironic way — extremely positive.

This is to say that even the devilish rhythmic snore is defining. It defines that the person is there and still alive. You spend portions of the night poking them awake and when the snore suddenly stops in an apneic way without your habitual poking, you worry the person is no longer well, wake them up in a frenzy only to have them so annoyed at disturbing them even when they don’t snore that you argue in the middle of the night because of it.

Is Everything Okay?

There’s a global human tendency, almost like a cross cultural habit that is present in the very basic DNA of the human, to ask someone who breaks a habit “Is everything okay?”

The question can usually answer itself. If someone is habitually kind and is suddenly not, it most likely means that everything is not okay and vice versa. The question is like a potent chemical catalyst. For he who is generally kind, asking the question generally kicks off an awkward smile “Oh yes, yes! I’m just… It’s fine.” On the flip side, it generates a straight trip to the original self “What?! Can’t someone be nice?! Fine I’ll keep being angry then!”

The difficulty here is that in both scenarios you’re almost at a loss. How do you know what caused the change without instigating the persons default mindset? How do you capture the answer to your question while the person is still in that mood?

What’s Actually Going On?

I’m no psychologist, nor will I pretend to assume this is a valid solution, but usually playing along only slightly and then ask is the best method I’ve seen. For the typically nice and temporarily off, give them a hug and be quiet with them for a while, and for the typically ill tempered, humour them and then slip it into the conversation.

I bring this up because I find that typically when I’m trying something new about myself, whether it be controlling a reaction to a situation or introducing a newfound kindness to my general demeanour, people are almost distasteful to it. “You’re not usually this smiley”, they destructively claim.

“Fine! I’ll stop!”

That’s not a solution… I think the world should begin to humour change more so that we as a society can actually move forward. Our global human habit — the most destructive habit of all — is that we pit negativity to change first then question it, then accept or reject it.

My proposal? Cut the first step.Cut the negativity. Don’t ask if everything is okay! Observe for yourself.

Question change, then accept or reject it. Make that your habit.