Uncle Dillhole’s Wacky Silly Rainy Day Funtime

Hi kids! It’s your old pal Uncle Dillhole!

Say, are you bored? Watched all the stuff in your parents’ porn collection? Your big brother’s out of weed? Dad finally locked up the guns?

Well heck, kids, there’s still plenty to do! Uncle Dillhole is going to show you how to have lots and lots of fun. How? Just a trip through the house or garage can provide you will hours and hours of really cool, fun, swell, neat, terrific stuff to do kill those idle hours. And maybe yourself!

Ever poke around the kitchen? What’s that? You haven’t? Why gee whiz! Come over here and take a peek under the sink. See that bottle of bleach? And the other one that says ammonia? Well we’re going to play a game I like to call Junior Terrorist.

First, get a big ol’ plastic soda bottle out of the recycling bin, you know, those two liter ones that your favorite breakfast cola comes in? OK, now measure out 8 ounces of bleach and pour it into that bottle. Next, measure out 8 ounces of ammonia and pour it in, then screw the cap on tight and give it a shake.

Now my little friends, what you have there is a nice fresh bottle of chlorine gas. What’s it good for? Well, if you breathe it in, it’ll kill you! Holy cow! All that power in your little hands!

Now, you know that riding lawn mower your neighbor has? Just lock him in his bathroom and threaten to open the bottle till he tells you where the keys are! Heck, you can use this homemade ‘persuader’ to get just about anything!

Sometimes it’s fun just to play a board game or color in a coloring book, isn’t it? But nothing ruins a good time faster than a little brother or sister who’s a pest.

Next time little sister or brother annoys you, just feed them one of Uncle Dillhole’s Toddler Treats. You can find all the recipes for a wide variety of easy-to-prepare Toddler Treats in Uncle Silly’s Cookbook, which is available now for $19.95 plus shipping and handling, operators are standing by.

Here’s a sample of the swell recipes you’ll find.

Caramel Shut ’Em Ups

ingredients

peanut butter (chunky or smooth)
sugar
D-Con rat treats or some of dad’s coumadin from the medicine cabinet
a bag of caramel candies (you can probably steal them from grandma. old people usually keep crap candy like this around).

First, put a pan on the stove and put it on low heat and dump in the caramels. Let them sit there till they get all melty. Next, crush the coumadin tablets or empty some of the D-Con in a bowl and dump in a couple tablespoons of sugar. Now spoon in some peanut butter, pour in the melted caramel, stir it up and roll it into balls. Roll them in coconut to add an exotic twist!

Be sure to make enough for all the little ones to enjoy! Don’t be stingy! If there are too many Shut ’Em Ups left over, just put ’em in the fridge and save ’em for Halloween.

Did you ever hear any older kids talk about school subjects like earth science and physics? Does it make you feel stupid and worthless, like you want to go find some of your sister’s heroin and snort it to get away from all those bad, bad, horrible feelings?

Well turn that frown upside down and get smart! Science is all around you. For instance, go outside and take a little walk until you find a rock about the size of an apple or an orange. Now pick it up. Isn’t it amazing? Sure it seems like just a rock, but think about it. It took millions of years to make that rock. It was born out of a cataclysmic upheaval that shaped the beautiful but polluted planet we temporarily call home. It’s not just a rock, it’s a miracle of nature!

Did you ever hear of a guy named Galileo? Not Mr. Galileo from down the street who got arrested for showing his penis to the people at the library, a different guy. Well this other Galileo climbed up a famous building called the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and he dropped things off the roof to study gravity. Isn’t that amazing? See kids, all that Mr. non-pervy Galileo had to work with were some heavy objects — like those miraculous rocks — and a tall building. So find a tall building and take that rock and lean over the side and drop it and you, too, can study gravity. And if your aim is real, real good, you can also conduct an experiment investigating the tensile strength of a car windshield. Wow! Look at that glass crumble!

Well kids, there’s just a couple of ways you can have fun when you’re home alone and your negligent shit-for-brains parents are doing who knows what who knows where. I’ll be back again with more really super colossal ideas.

But for right now, Uncle Dillhole hears his crack pipe calling.

Bye kids!

Note, this is a fucking joke. Don’t pass it on to any Beavis and Butthead type kids who might do any of this ridiculous stuff