Selfish White Girl’s Guide to Bigotry and Prejudice
Being that this article is targeted specifically toward selfish white girls, like myself, I certainly wouldn’t expect you to read this without having something in it for you. So, if you stick with it and read the whole thing, then I promise you nothing less than the secret to happiness. I’m not telling you where it is in the article, but it is there. I promise. You will just have to read the whole thing. For those of you thinking that you don’t need a self-serving rationale — you already fight hate and bigotry because doing so is moral and right — read on. Yes, there are countless righteous justifications to stand with those who are more marginalized than yourself. I’m not going to talk about them. I’m going to stick to what you are really interested in, you. Don’t deny it; we both know it is true. Pretending that you are selfless and concerned about the welfare of others more than yourself will make you feel very righteous. You might like that feeling. The problem is that a magnanimous attitude, at its core, reinforces division by taking for granted your privilege. There ends up being a very thin line between magnanimous and condescending. To clarify, I’m going to use a metaphor. If the company you work for starts to put your coworker’s money on your paycheck, do you use this newfound income to pay their bills, or at least the ones that you feel are important, and then expect them to be grateful when they don’t get evicted? That would make you a jerk. By spending the money, you are implying that it was your money to begin with and that you are doing them a favor. The right thing to do is to give them their paycheck until they stop putting it in your account. If the coworker says that they need you to do something to fix the system, like standing up and saying that it isn’t right for this money to go into your account, then you do it. What follows is an explanation as to why this is not the selfless act that some would see. Remember, the knight in shining armor, at the end of the day, only serves the nobility.
Shared Hate
The most marginalized must always take precedence. Here is why. You cannot negotiate with hate. It is the most important concept, because hate doesn’t stay where it is put. If you allow one irrational prejudice then you have strengthened them all by allowing the irrational to take precedence over the rational. You cannot fight for women’s rights and ignore racial inequality. How can women unite if half of them are too busy fighting for racial equality? You cannot fight for gay rights while tacitly allowing trans rights to be subjugated. You cannot say that you must accept people except when you don’t. Eventually you will be the exception. You cannot put out the fire on your house and ignore your neighbors’ houses burning down all around you. The fire will just spread back to your house. I will repeat it because this must be heard, you cannot negotiate with hate. If you allow it to fester, then it will eventually spread to you. If you think there is nothing that anyone could ever find wrong with you, then you are wrong.
Shared prosperity
A person contributes to society no more than they are allowed to be, because a person cannot use tools that you do not have access to. An artist, whatever their nature, produces art. A doctor will likewise heal the sick, regardless of any other defining characteristic. Scientists and engineers will expand humanity’s understanding and work to solve their problems. Teachers of any origin will spend their time spreading knowledge. Everyone benefits from an increase in these vocations and many more. Neither incentives, encouragement, nor kind words will make a significantly impact on those fields while barriers prevent large sections of the population from exploring their true potential. I hear people say they are not in the same boat as others. There is no other boat. There is only one and we are all in it. What affects an individual or a group, ultimately affects us all. To this end, every child should receive the same caliber of education, regardless of class, ethnicity, location, gender, or any other conceivable factor. A person from a marginalized group should be made to feel comfortable in an educational environment, for when a single person with potential is bullied from pursuing academic success, we are all the less for it. Knowledge is not something we will run out of unless we stop sharing it. Only when it is hoarded does it diminish. When we educate, we strengthen. By strengthening the weakest part of society, we all get stronger and prosper because of it. If you truly want to help your children prosper, then for every dollar that you spend on their schooling, find a school with more crowding and less funding and send them two. No, the money won’t go to your child, but it could help shape the adults your child will one day share the world with. Vote for politicians who support education and equality. You can do this because it is right or because it is in your self-interest. The result it the same.
Why it’s not a joke
No action takes place in a vacuum and at no time is a joke just a joke. Humor can be powerful. It can bring laughter and dispel sadness. Jokes can remove tension and bring comfort. Or they can be used to demean and dehumanize. I am going to outline a hypothetical. This will sound extremely contrived, and it is, but I will explain why I chose to use it afterwards. For now, I simply beg your patience.
Image a meeting place for a group. The group doesn’t matter specifically. For now, just assume it is a group of marginalized people. A man enters the room and opens fire on them, killing and injuring several. The cops eventually come but by then the damage is done and the man kills himself rather than be arrested. For days after the news reports on how this lone killer did this horrible thing. They discuss how he was unstable and illustrate all the things that prove the he was a lone psychopath and how there is no way to predict this kind of behavior. So far it may not seem all that farfetched. Now, image that a year or two prior to the incident that you are in a crowded coffee shop and someone in front of you makes an “off color” joke about the very same group. You might think it was a ‘mild’ joke and the guy wasn’t talking to you so it really isn’t your place to say anything. Maybe the guy was a jerk, but what are you going to do? Let’s take it a step further and say you know in that moment that this horrible incident will take place and the person who does it is one of the many people within earshot. There are many people and you don’t know enough to stop it directly. If you say anything about it you will just seem crazy. The only impact you can possibly have is by how you respond to that joke.
Now clearly that was not a realistic example. Bursts of psychic knowledge do not just come to you out of nowhere. However, while it is easy to toss off incidents of violence as just lone psychos, we all contribute to the society that shapes the people who commit them. Jokes tell people that it is okay to otherize or dehumanize a group. If you laugh, chuckle, or even just ignore the joke, you give it tacit approval. Always remember that silence speaks as loudly as words and even doing nothing is a choice. There likely isn’t a killer next to you but ignoring that joke may cause it to be repeated by that same person or another, because they now think it is okay. It contributes to a systemic system of hate. That situation may not be realistic but I believe it is how we need to see even mild prejudice, because there is no way to know to what extent our words will eventually impact others.
Direction Home
Anyone who rides a motorcycle can tell you that when you are going into a turn, you point your eyes at the end of the turn, not at what is directly in front of you. You will end up where you are looking and if you are looking directly ahead of you, that will likely lead you into a ditch. General awareness of your surroundings is critical, but always focus on where you want to be. If you want a future that is better for everyone, including yourself, then you must always focus first on the end goal. For some people that means realizing when they are being entitled jerks, for some it may mean forgiving grievances instead of being consumed by them, and for others still it may mean gently educating and correcting those the individual may wish to lash out at. I know some will talk about how that isn’t fair or how it isn’t their job. Hate does not negotiate and fair is an illusion. Something either is or isn’t, whether it is fair changes nothing. The first step to being truly happy is to realize that you already have more than you are entitled to. Understand that and any resentfulness will turn to gratefulness.
The hard truth
The hard truth is that while I have suffered internally throughout my life, I have done so while experiencing all the privilege that being, on the surface, a cis straight white male had to offer. The thing that made this hardest to accept was the sentiment that is most often expressed by people who call themselves feminists. This idea is that because I have not had the same experiences as this generic cis female ideal that my identity as woman is invalid. This internalized sentiment was one of the main obstacles to me accepting myself. In retrospect, the idea that I must be something simply because I am treated a certain way is ludicrous. I will say it once clearly. I will not apologize for who I am or what I’ve experienced. The truth of my gender is not predicated on whether or not I have been treated in accordance with it. I do not know what it is like to be a man. I only know what it is like to be treated like one. I found the experience wanting, as the privilege that came with it could not compare to the privilege of being seen for who I truly was.
When I was young I made many poor decisions. Some would be tempted to talk about how they managed to turn their life around. There may be some truth to that, but there is a greater truth. Had I been born black, I would likely have ended up in jail or dead. That is what I think of when I hear the words “white privilege.” My continuing survival has as much to do with luck and the color of my skin as anything that I have done. I don’t feel guilty. Guilt is a luxury and a privilege supplied to me by chance and helps nobody. Allowing myself to feel guilty makes it about me, when it needs to not be about me. Continuing to make it about me only serves to reinforce the systemic racism that is the fundamental problem. The second step to being happy is to understand that it isn’t about you. It was never about you. Understand that and your life stops being about you and can become about something much greater.
If you want to be part of the solution, make sure you are not part of the problem. Please take the time to reread that sentence. If you have privilege, and you probably do, then you probably are part of the problem. Acknowledge your privilege and try to understand it. Try to understand where it comes from both in your life and historically. Entitlement, like shame, is something that is passed down through generations. This won’t come easily, but understanding it is your responsibility. Remember, you are doing this for you. You are doing this in order to be a decent person, which is its own reward. Don’t expect a pat on the head or attagirl for being a decent person. I don’t expect people to thank me for taking a shower. Not smelling is my reward. If someone does point out that I smell then I don’t tell them to relax because I smell fine six days a week. Similarly, if I am called out by someone in a marginalized group, I don’t tell them to relax because I’m an ally. I listen, because acknowledging and understanding privilege is an ongoing journey, not a destination. You are defined by your actions and being decent some of the time does not make you a decent person. It makes you a person who is decent some of the time. The last step to being happy is to love yourself. That comes from understanding that you are defined by your actions and knowing you are taking actions to be the kind of person who you would respect. There is nothing in this world more valuable then looking in the mirror and liking the person you see there.
Original Sin
We are all shaped by our environment as we grow. How we perceive the world is either carefully or haphazardly shaped by the people who surround us and raise us. In this way, shame, anger, pride, and entitlement are transferred from one generation to the next. This traps people into cycles of conflict that sometimes outlive the memory of their origin. We owe it to ourselves, each other, and future generations to set down the baggage of our predecessors, take the knowledge, wisdom, and strength that we can get from them, and leave behind all that holds us back. The dead are owed nothing. Let their pain lie buried with them.
Conclusion
Don’t be a jerk.
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