10 Reasons to Skip Burning Man

6 min readAug 19, 2018

Gather round, children: the annual pilgrimage to the desert is only a week away. But this year, instead of candy-flipping, hop-skipping, and hippie-dipping in an alkaline dust bath with 70,000 of your closest strangers, consider embarking on a different kind of spiritual journey — one you can take from the quiet comfort of your couch. Your destination is the inimitable Stardew Valley.

That’s right: toiling a week away in this 16-bit farming simulation is the perfect substitute for the post-capitalism simulation of Black Rock City. Whatever it is you’re seeking on the Playa, rest assured that it can be found in greater or equal quantities in the Valley. To demonstrate, I’ll put this in terms a burner should already be intimately familiar with: the Ten Principles.

1. Radical Self-Reliance

We get it: you made it to Robot Heart at sunrise, all by yourself, despite a flat tire and foreordained MDMA comedown. Your experience sounds pretty unique. Now, can you single-handedly transform your grandfather’s waste-strewn, weed-ridden, crop-bereft farm into a self-sustaining ecosystem that nurtures the whole town? Can you do it while becoming an artist of culinary experiences, a master crafter, a tireless miner, a patient fisher, and a devoted lover? That’s the self-reliance our community needs.

Nevermind Lee Burridge, you need to hear the Stardew Valley Summer theme

2. Gifting

Stardew Valley is all about gifting. In fact it’s really your only path into the hearts of the townsfolk. Like your ex-roommate who’s been to four consecutive burns, you can only start so many conversations with them in a day. Unlike your ex-roommate, no one in Stardew Valley will be impressed with the Hops Starter kit (OK: maybe Shane). Here, I made this handy guide to aid the transition:

According to the gifting principle, “the value of a gift is unconditional,” but that does not hold up in the Valley. If you’re tryna shoot your shot with Emily the bartender, you best be equipped with more than last season’s bottom-tier radish. Finally, “gifting does not contemplate an exchange for something of equal value,” unless, of course, that gift came from Haley.

3. Decommodification

*hides JojaMart membership card* Ahem… Stardew Valley seeks to create social environments that are unmediated by commercial sponsorships, transactions, or advertising. We stand ready to protect our town from such exploitation. We resist the temptation of JojaMart’s obscene discounts. We shop exclusively at Pierre’s.

Take the angst towards faceless corporate entities you’ll find at Burning Man, bottle it, ship it to Stardew Valley, and throw it back like an ice cold Joja Cola® on a hot summer day

4. Communal Effort

Burning Man loves to tout itself as a community effort, but there’s always That Guy who shows up a day late without a possession on this mortal coil besides a bag of Smarties® bracelets, which he proceeds to boldly barter for food, lodging, even showers. Ugh: NOT THIS TIME JASON.

Leave Jason at the Sparkle Pony Corral and invite the Junimos instead. Who are the Junimos, you ask? They’re diminutive, diligent, Diglett-looking dudes who, in exchange for collectibles, go around town making repairs. How this town gets on with so much MOOP and not a single viable mayoral candidate besides Lewis baffles me. But that’s a topic for another think piece. Anyway I religiously presented my forage findings to the Junimos each season and one morning awoke to a 👏 brand 👏 new 👏 bridge.

If Stardew Valley was Queer Eye, the Junimos would be Bobby

5. Radical Inclusion

Anyone can be a part of Stardew Valley. It’s a simple town, but strangers are welcomed. Even if on your first night you sold the parsnip seeds Mayor Lewis gave you for planting and made a beeline for the Stardrop Saloon wherein you exchanged the cold currency for one too many warm beers and nearly passed out in the arcade. The next morning everyone acted as if nothing had happened — truly a judgment-free zone!

While bumbling home from the saloon I met the town’s only homeless person, rifling through a trash can. I befriended ole Linus and ever since that fateful night, he’s been invited to every festival, even the hallowed Flower Dance. Just a reminder that inclusion starts with the letter I.

6. Recreational Drug Use

OK so this isn’t technically one of the “principles” or whatever, but it seems like one to me. They say the Playa provides whatever the heart desires, but peer at these rare wares and ask around — can you get a hold of a Prismatic Shard? No? Have you ever rolled a J with Dwarf Scroll? I didn’t think so.

Did someone call the blacksmith? Cuz I’ma break this party open for you

7. Radical Self-Expression

More costumes than a Haight Street consignment shop

In Stardew Valley there are 24 skin tones, 32 hair styles, 112 shirts, and 20 different accessories to choose from. That leads to 1,720,320 character combinations, not even taking into account the many hats you’re bound to collect. That’s already 1,720,312 more unique looks than you’ll find on the Playa. Wow!

The way to Emily’s heart? This totally dope hat

8. Polyamory

I’m not sure how this one missed the cut; every burner brings it up. Principle or not, I’m pleased to report that you can date as many townsfolk as you’d like in the Valley: men, women, non-binary, ethereal being, or dwarf. Seriously, go wild. Just know that, similar to real life, disclosing your alternative lifestyle upfront is a prerogative for any healthy relationship.

Someone get Chris a copy of **The Ethical Slut**

9. Leaving No Trace

The only thing I’m concerned about leaving a trace is Pierre’s seed prices on my wallet. Listen: sometimes the environment deserves our respect and other times it’s overrun by slime monsters and needs a good old-fashioned purge. If you’re feeling sensitive about it you can build a Slime Hutch and pour your guilt into raising the next generation of slimes.

If you think this is bad, you should have seen the Gypsy Flower Power camp in 2014

10. Immediacy

I’m not sure what “immediacy” means in this context but I think it’s a bit of bromide for living your life ✨ in the moment. If so, lemme tell you about all the chores you need to do right this moment. Getting up at 6:00 AM is a necessity when the fence is in disrepair, the silo’s out of hay, the animals are eating the reserved grass, three plots need to be tilled, and Demetrius wants you to deliver a cauliflower for the casserole he’s making tonight. The only “barrier between us and a recognition of our inner selves” is shipping the bounteous harvest you sweated all season for. Get to it, farmer!

Now that you’ve seen what Stardew Valley has to offer, I hope you’ll think twice about throwing your lot in with the Socialist Betty Boop art car associates whose acquaintance you made last month. All of these principles, and so much more, for a fraction of the cost of a ticket to BRC: