C.O.L.A. Beration

Chapter 4

Charlie: This is nice.

Josaline: What is?

Charlie: Riding in this sweet, ass ride with my girl while the wind is blowing in my face along with the blood and guts of the Zombies as I run over them.

Josaline: First of all, I’m not your girl. Secondly, that’s disgusting. Third of all, you’re disgusting. Lastly, where on Earth did you get this car from?

Charlie: I’m glad you asked.

(Ten seconds went by.)

Josaline: Well?

Charlie: Well what?

Josaline: Aren’t you going to tell me?

Charlie: Yeah, but you didn’t tell me when to tell you.

Josaline: JUST TELL ME ALREADY!

Charlie: Ok, miss grumpy. It all started in the year 1910. That’s when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and people were killing each other with rocks.

Josaline: You idiot. Tell me how you got the car.

Charlie: Oh yeah. That’s right. In the year 19…

Josaline: I will push you out this car and drive off without you if you don’t tell me.

Charlie: Ok. Ok. Chill. Chill. It all started in a place called Gotham City.

(Flashback)

(Charlie is walking home from school.)

Charlie: Man, going to school sucks, especially since the students don’t listen to the teachers and the teachers just fuck with the students because they have nothing better to do.

(Charlie heard an alarm go off.)

Charlie: What’s that?

(Charlie ran around the corner to see what was causing the alarm to go off. Just then Charlie spotted 3 guys running away from the store while carrying bags of jewelry.)

Charlie: Hey, you know that stuff don’t belong to you. That’s not right. Matter of fact, that’s down right messed up.

(Charlie began to chase after them.)

Guy #2: Hey, who’s that kid?

Guy #3: Who cares? Just keep running.

Guy #1: Shut up, you two. Let’s turn into this dark alleyway. That’s where we’ll get him.

(The three guys went into the alleyway and Charlie followed behind them.)

Charlie: Crap, it’s so dark. I can’t believe I lost them. Where did they go?

Guy #1: We’re right behind ya.

(That’s when they flashed a light on Charlie.)

Charlie: OMG! That flashlight is way too bright.)

Guy #1: Well, you better get used to it because next you’re going to be seeing stars. Get him boys.

(That’s when the men started pounding their fists together while walking towards Charlie.)

Charlie: You guys better stop or else.

Guy #2: Or else what?

Charlie: Ummmm, or else I’ll play one of Lady Gaga’s songs really, really loud.

Guy #3: Oh no. Stop him before he do that.

(The men started running towards Charlie.)

Charlie: No! Wait! I was joking. I don’t even have my MP3 player with me.

(Just then something came from the sky and hit the two men in the face, knocking them out.)

Charlie: Whoa.

Guy #1: (Gasp.) The Dark Knight.

(That’s when the man ran off.)

???: Are you ok, kid?

Charlie: Yeah, but who are you?

???: Stay safe.

(That person went back into the sky over top of a building.)

Charlie: Things just got weird.

(Charlie walked from out of the alleyway.)

Charlie: I wonder if I’m dreaming.

(Charlie saw someone in a costume running up towards him.)

Charlie: Why are you running?

???: (Heavy breathing.) Give me a minute. (Heavy breathing.)

Charlie: You know, Halloween was last month.

???: Did you see someone in a bat suit who looked really cool?

Charlie: No, but I did see someone in a bat suit who looked really stupid.

???: Which way did he go?

(Charlie pointed towards the direction where that person headed.)

Charlie: That way.

???: Thank you. You know what? Here you go. I want you to to have this.

(The guy gave Charlie a card.)

Charlie: Robin Hood’s Gay Party?

???: Oops! Sorry. Wrong card.

(The guy took the card back from Charlie and gave him a different card.)

???: Catch you later.

(The guy winked at Charlie and then ran off.)

Charlie: Did he just wink at me?

(Charlie looked at the card that was given to him.)

Charlie: Batman’s hideout information? Fucking Batman?! That was Batman?! That means the guy who gave me this card is…Robin. Weird. I think that nigga gay.

(Charlie then headed home.)

(24 hours later)

(Charlie was riding his bike from school.)

Charlie: I wonder if I’ll see Batman again.

(Charlie seen Batman’s Bat mobile drive down the street and turned the corner.)

Charlie: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! You’re mine now, Batman.

(Charlie started chasing after the bat mobile, but when he turned the corner, it was gone.)

Charlie: Oh noooooooooooo! I can’t believe this. It vanished into thin air.

(Just then something fell from the sky and hit Charlie in the head.)

Charlie: Owwwww! What the freak was that?

(Charlie looked up in the sky, then looked at the ground and found a colorful remote.)

Charlie: A remote? What is a remote doing, falling from the sky?

(Charlie picked up the remote.)

Charlie: I has something written on it. “Universal Remote 2012?!” Hmmm. I wonder what this button do.

(Charlie pushed the button and a tunnel sprouted from out of the street that lead underground.)

Charlie: Awesome. This universal remote thingy is off the “chizain.” But I still wonder where it came from.

Narrator: It came from me.

Charlie: Oh, ok then. Thank you.

Narrator: You’re welcome.

(Charlie put the universal remote in his pocket and rode his bike in the tunnel.)

Charlie: It sure is dark in here. I hope this tunnel doesn’t have a steep…hiiiiiilllllll!

(5 minutes later)

(Charlie continued towards the end of the tunnel and stopped on a platform.)

Charlie: OMG. That is the scariest fucking thing I have ever been through in my entire life. I got to do that again.

(Charlie looked around to see where he ended up and noticed he was in the Bat Cave.)

Charlie: This is sweet. Being in the Bat Cave rocks way harder than my…

???: Shut up, nerd. We don’t use profanity down here. Now, what the fuck are you doing in my cave?

(Charlie turned around to look behind him and noticed that Batman was talking to him.)

Charlie: Oh snap. Batman! It’s really you. Can you sign my shoe?

Batman: I’m not doing that.

((BATMAN’S BIO)) {Full Name: Batman/ Age: Unknown/ Nationality: Unknown/ Race: Caucasian/ Height: 6"0"/ Hair: Unknown/ Hobby: Fighting Crime/ Favorite Dish: Caviar/ Hates: Sidekicks/ Fear: Being a homosexual}

???: I’ll do it.

(Someone came from the shadows from behind Batman.)

Charlie: Robin?!

Robin: Yeah. I’ll sign it real hard.

((ROBIN’S BIO)) {Full Name: Robin/ Age: Unknown/ Nationality: American/ Race: Caucasian/ Height: 5"6"/ Hair: Short and black/ Hobby: Being with Batman/ Favorite Dish: Batman’s favorite dish/ Hates: Not being with Batman/ Fear: Batman dying}

Charlie: Gay Boy Wonder finally shows his true colors. Rainbow colors I might add.

Robin: For your information, I am not gay.

Charlie: Only a gay person would say that.

Robin: Only a gay person would say that.

Charlie: Only a gay person would repeat me.

Robin: Shut up before I…

Batman: Robin, that’s enough. Can’t you see I’m trying to talk to the other gay?

Charlie: Yeah. You better listen to your daddy.

(Charlie picked up on what Batman just said.)

Charlie: Wait a minute.

Robin: I’ll kill you.

Batman: Both of you, shut up. I’ve had it up to my eyeballs with you two. You both need to start acting like adults, even if you are kids.

Robin: Fine.

Charlie: Idiot.

Batman: Anyway, how did you get down here?

Charlie: I took a tunnel passage way that lead me down here.

Batman: What?! But it was closed off. How did you manage to open it?

Charlie: With this.

(Charlie pulled the universal remote from out of his pocket and showed it to Batman.)

Batman: (Gasp.) A Universal Remote 2012. That is the rarest item on Earth. The second rarest is a Tyrannosaurus Rex using its hands for something.

Charlie: What?

Batman: Never mind that. Where did you find that remote?

Charlie: It fell from out of the sky.

Batman: From out of the sky?

Charlie: Yeah.

Batman: The Narrator.

Charlie: Yeah. How’d you know? You know him?

(Batman looked up at the ceiling.)

Batman: NARRATOR! NARRATOR!

Narrator: Yes?

Batman: Why did you give him a universal remote?

Narrator: Because I can.

Batman: You son of a bitch. I want a universal remote. Give me one.

Narrator: No. You broke the last one I gave you.

Charlie: Not cool, dude. Not cool at all.

(Batman looked at Charlie.)

Batman: Shut up!

(Batman looked back at the ceiling.)

Batman: But it wasn’t my fault. Robin is the one who broke it.

Robin: Guilty as charged.

(Batman looked at Robin.)

Batman: Shut up!

(Batman looked back at the ceiling.)

Batman: Please, Narrator. I’m begging you.

Narrator: Eat a dick.

Robin: Ok. I mean…no way.

(Charlie looked at Robin with an awkward face and then looked at Batman.)

Charlie: Batman, I think you need a new sidekick because I think this one is broken.

(Batman looked at Charlie.)

Batman: Tell me about it.

???: Tell you about what, Batsy?

Batman: Oh shit. Don’t tell me that’s…

(Charlie, Batman and Robin looked up towards the ceiling and saw two figures floating down.)

Batman: Joker!

Joker: Yes. It is I. The Joker. In the living flesh. Along with my fat companion, Penguin.

((JOKER’S BIO)) {Full Name: Joker Clown/ Age: Unknown/ Nationality: Unknown/ Race: Unknown/ Height: 5"11"/ Hair: Lengthy and dark green/ Hobby: Causing chaos/ Favorite Dish: Unknown/ Hates: Bad jokes/ Fear: Being sane}

Penguin: I’m not fat. I’m just chubby.

((PENGUIN’S BIO)) {Full Name: Penguin Penguin/ Age: Unknown/ Nationality: Unknown/ Race: Caucasian/ Height: 5"3"/ Hair: Go pass the shoulder and black (bold at the top)/ Hobby: Singing and dancing/ Favorite Dish: All fish/ Hates: Cats/ Fear: Felines}

Joker: Oh, shut up and just get us down there, safely.

(Joker and Penguin floated to the ground with the help of Penguins umbrella.)

Batman: How the hell are you guys able to find my Bat Cave?

(Batman looked at Robin. Robin began to smile.)

Batman: You gave them my address?

Robin: I figure we can have a party someday.

Batman: The villains?

Robin: Masquerade?

Batman: Fuck you, Robin.

(Robin pants became even tighter.)

Charlie: Disgusting.

(Batman looked at Joker and Penguin.)

Batman: What do you two drag queens want?

(Joker and Penguin began to smile.)

Joker: Poor, poor Batsy. Your eyesight must be getting terrible because I am clearly dressed as a clown with a sick personality.

Penguin: And I’m a three fingered, mutated human with a hat, an umbrella and sharp teeth.

(Joker stopped smiling and turned towards Penguin.

Joker: Penguin, you’re an idiot. You know this, right?

Penguin: I want to say yes, but I get the feeling that’s the wrong answer.

(Joker smacked his forehead.)

Batman: I have a question for you, Joker.

Joker: Shoot.

Batman: WHO THE FUCK DID YOU GET INTO MY CAVE?!

(Joker faced towards Batman and began to laugh.)

Batman: What’s so funny?

Joker: Your face. It’s priceless.

Batman: ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION ALREADY!

(Joker stopped laughing and began to smile.)

Joker: It’s quite simple, Batsy. All we did was follow the kid that’s standing right over there.

Batman: DAMMIT, ROBIN!

Joker: Not the gay one.

Batman: You got to be shitting me.

Charlie: You cannot be serious.

Robin: You got to be pissing on me.

(Everyone looked at Robin.)

Robin: What?

Joker: Batsy, I believe your sidekick is extremely gay.

Penguin: That poor bastard is a homosexual by nature.

Batman: Robin, I will kick your ass out of this cave if you don’t stop saying gay shit.

Robin: Sorry, daddy.

Charlie: He’s not your dad. I bet he doesn’t even like you.

Robin: That’s not true.

Joker: I’ll take you up on that bet.

Penguin: I second that.

(Batman looked towards Joker and Penguin.)

Batman: All of you, shut up. I’m getting tired of your bull crap and your nonsense, Joker. It’s time to get this party started.

(Joker and Penguin looked towards Batman.)

Joker: Silly Batsy. The only party you’ll be attending is your funeral.

(Joker snapped his fingers. The ground started to shake. Just then, a McDonald sign rose from the ground in front of Joker and Penguin. A shadowy figure came from the shadows.)

Charlie: Is that…

Batman: Ronald McDonald!

(Ronald McDonald came from the shadows, smiling.)

Ronald McDonald: Hey! Would you guys care for a happy meal?

RONALD MCDONALD’S BIO ((Nationality: Unknown/ Race: Unknown/ Height: 5"11"/ Hair: Afro and red/ Hobby: Being around kids/ Favorite Dish: McDonalds/ Hates: Other restaurants/ Fear: Going out of business))

(Ronald McDonald pulled out three happy meals from his hair.)

Charlie: Ummm. No thanks. I’m good

Batman: WHEN THE FUCK WAS THAT PUT THERE?!

Robin: I would love to have one.

Ronald McDonald: Would you like fries and a drink with that or YOUR DEATH?!

Robin: So many good choices. I’ll take the fries and drink for two hundred.

Ronald McDonald: I’m sorry. We’re fresh out of those.

Robin: Then what was the point on asking?

Ronald McDonald: Now die!

(Ronald McDonald charged at Robin, but then Batman got in between the two.)

Ronald McDonald: I guess you want to die first then.

Batman: Not today you fucked up clown.

(Batman upper cut Ronald McDonald. Batman began to smile. Ronald McDonald went through the Bat Cave’s ceiling, causing a giant whole. Batman stopped smiling.)

Batman: Fuck me!

Robin: Ok.

Batman: Oh god.

Robin: That’s my line.

(Charlie covered his ears and closed his eyes.)

Charlie: Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop.

(Joker was looking at where the whole was at and then he slowly looked at Batman with a surprised look on his face.)

Joker: Fuck. Did you really have to hit him that hard?

(Joker turned around with a frown on his face.)

Joker: Shit. Shit. Shit. Auntie Sue isn’t going to like this. Not one bit.

(Charlie opened his eyes.)

Charlie: Auntie?

(Charlie uncovered his ears and faced towards Joker.)

Charlie: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that Ronald McDonald is your cousin?

(Joker faced towards Charlie.)

Joker: No shit, Sherlock. Can’t you see the resemblance?

Charlie: Not really.

Joker: We’re both clowns, moron.

Charlie: (Sarcastically) Because that explains a lot.

Joker: (She’s going to kill me if I don’t bring him back.) But first, I must kill you three first.

(Joker snapped his fingers. Penguin began to dance.)

Penguin: (Singing) Now that it’s raining more than ever, know that we’ll still have each other. You can stand under my umbrella. You can stand under my umbrella.

(Penguin stopped dancing.)

Joker: What the fuck?

Charlie: Wow. This penguin has a good voice and can dance.

Penguin: That’s what happens when you do 10 years of ballet and vocal practice. I’m not a damn penguin.

Batman: He has the voice of an angel.

Robin: I’ve heard better.

(Batman walked towards Robin and then slapped him.)

Robin: (Whisper) Harder.

Penguin: Whatever, Gay Boy Wonder. You’re probably just saying that to make me feel bad. It’s not going to work. And because of your insolence and jealousy, I’m going to kill you.

(Penguin’s umbrella transformed into a sword. Afterwards, Penguin charged at Robin.)

Penguin: Right here and now.

(Batman ran towards Penguin and punched him in the face. He flew back to where he started from and was knocked unconscious.)

Joker: What the hell? They are so weak. You know what Batsy, I’m going to call it a draw for now. But next time, your ass is mine.

(Joker threw some smoke bombs on the ground which clouded the area. When the smoke cleared, Joker and Penguin were gone.)

Robin: Wait in line, pal.

Joker: GAY!

(Charlie began to search for where the Joker is.)

Charlie: What the hell is he? A magician?

Batman: No! Even worse. He’s a clown. Dun! Dun! Dun!

Robin: Nice one, Batman.

Batman: Thanks. I made it up myself. You know what Robin, you’re not half bad.

Robin: Thanks, Batman. That means a lot.

Batman: You’re welcome. Hey! What do you say we go for some ice-cream?

Robin: That’s cool. You get it?

(Charlie and Batman frowned and Robin.)

Batman: I’m disappointed in you.

Charlie: Stop making jokes.

(Batman reached in his pockets to get his car keys, but noticed that they were not there.)

Batman: That’s strange. Robin, have you seen my car keys?

Robin: Nope.

Batman: Charlie have you…

(Batman looked over to where he last saw Charlie, but Charlie was gone.)

Batman: Where’d he go?

(The Bat Mobile horn went off.)

Robin: He’s inside the Bat Mobile, Batman.

(Batman looked over to where the Bat Mobile was at and saw Charlie inside.)

Charlie: I’m over here, suckers. Thanks for the sweet ride.

(Charlie started the Bat Mobile and drove out of the Bat Cave.)

Batman: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Robin: Oh no, Batman. He stole your sweet ass ride. What are we going to do?

Batman: I will get my revenge, Charlie. I’ll get my revenge.

(Flashback ends.)

Josaline: Wow. So you stole this car?

Charlie: No. I just borrowed it without giving it back.

Josaline: When did all of this take place?

Charlie: Last weekend.

Josaline: Last weekend?

Charlie: Yep. Are you gay?

Josaline: Shut up.

(5 seconds later.)

Josaline: You’re lying.

(Charlie stopped the car.)

Charlie: If you think I’m lying, why don’t you ask those two?

(Josaline look towards where Charlie was looking and noticed two people walking towards the Bat Mobile.)

Josaline: Who are they?

Charlie: Fucking Batman and Robin.