Dear Sweden, Please Hack Our Elections
Dear Sweden, Australia, Norway, Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, New Zealand, Finland, Canada, and Netherlands,
You guys are the top ten happiest countries on the planet, so I guess you’re doing something right.
You may have noticed that our country, the USA, got taken over by an Orange Circus Clown and his Crime Family. He managed to pull it off because his boss, a thug named Putin who is the dictator of one of the world’s unhappiest countries, hacked our election. They had the help of a shit-ton of Bad Americans who call themselves Republicans. From their leaders, through their media, and down to their precinct chumps, they colluded, conspired, and committed treason to help the Russians hack the election.
Why would they do such a thing? Apparently they like getting hit in the head and kicked in the balls and knifed in the kidneys till they’re laying on the ground bleeding. Then, rather than go to a hospital or a cop, they drag their carcasses to the nearest rich guy and give him all their money. It’s a mystery and a true puzzle and it’s come to haunt us all with misery and sadness.
Now we’re all in a world of hurt, and that world includes you happy people. The Orange Dunce Cap and his evil twin Boris, I mean Vladimir, have given us all a big Fuck You on the climate change problem that’s barreling down on the whole planet like a mountain-sized boulder rolling downhill at a bus full of kindergartners on a field trip. We gotta do something.
So, how about you guys hack us too? The Republicans set us up with ridiculously easy-to-hack voting machines. I’m sure you’ve got white hat hackers good enough to block out the Russkies and get in there yourselves, right?
Unfortunately, you’ll have to do most of the work. The Good Americans are a combination of bumbling fools, well-meaning goodie-two-shoes, and eggheads. Many of us lack the support of spines, and we spend so much time arguing with each other that we’re continually surprised (every election!) when the Bad Americans pants us again.
You’ll need to do the research to pick out the Americans most likely to turn us into a country like you. Tell us who they are, we’ll get them on the ballots, you hack the election, they take over the City Councils, Statehouses, and Federal government.
It will be slow going at first, but a few go-arounds like that and we’ll have decent health care like you, our black buddies will be busted out of prison, Muslims will be working alongside us, and no one will know what gender anybody else is.
It will be great! We’ll walk around smiling all day, just like you guys.
The Good Americans
(Check out my science fiction novel, The Last Breath and my crazed predictions from spring and summer of 2016, The Putin Letters: Love Notes and Other Instructions for Donald J. Trump)