COMEDIAN-IN-CHIEF: How to Run the Funniest 2020 Presidential Campaign
Congrats, you are running for President of the United States! In an ever-divided country, you need more than smart policy. People often say they want a President they can have a beer with. Comedy is the calorie free version of this, and few things bring people together as powerfully as a good punchline. Below is a suggested roadmap for how to appropriately imbed humor throughout your campaign.
Getting people to read your campaign emails is harder than getting them to vote for you. Most times they’ll only read the “unsubscribe” part. Break the ice in the subject line and break into their attention span.
Sample Subject Line One Liner:
I’ve been sent to your inbox to create jobs, fight climate change, and claim sweet victory over your spam filter.
Debates are really just the uptight cousins of roast battles. Having jokes up your sleeve can be as effective for your audience as a fully baked tax plan.
Sample Debate Zinger:
My opponent’s healthcare plan is like my kid’s phone plan. Poor service, very little data, and no one wants to pay for it.
Don’t let the soft couches or heavy equipment fool you. This is the perfect format for pre-planned stand up material.
Sample Sit Down Stand Up:
I’m from the midwest. I like being in a flyover state, it’s easier to campaign. I just look up periodically, wave, and shout VOTE FOR ME!
Like a road comic, you crisscross the country with your material. But it doesn’t have to be the same stump speech. Mine humor from the varying geography, and hone your one-liners all the way to The National Convention.
Sample Stump Schtick:
It’s great to be here in New Hampshire, where your motto is live free or die. That’s brutal for landlords!
Whether it’s Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, or the platform some 7-year-old coded yesterday, you gotta do ALL OF IT. It’s also digital fodder for any bully opponents. Be the twitter troll you want to see in the world.
Sample Social Shenanigans:
I see my opponent’s tweet storm here on the doppler. Meteorologists predict “just a bag of wind with no accumulation.” #TweetSprinkle
Welcome to the Kickstarter generation where everyone’s raising dough. How do you get folks to contribute to your cause instead of their neighbor’s beagle’s behavioral training GoFundMe? JOKES.
Sample Fundraising Repartee:
Our campaign takes all major credit cards. You can also donate good vibes. We have a seasoned vibe staffer who manages all of our metaphysical assets.
QUICK, grab the smelling salts! [assuming you just passed out from the boredom of the phrase “white paper”] This is a format that’s begging for comic relief.
Sample White Paper Wit:
The policy I’m about to lay out is so exciting that it will ruin future white papers for you FOREVER. You’ll think about it often and smile. It’ll be the white paper that got away.
A fantastic way to be liked is to tear yourself into a thousand self-aware pieces. You’ll gain admiration of the people and disarm your rivals.
Sample Self Deprecation Domination:
I’m good at running for President, unlike regular running. I tried track in high school. My only event was the hurdles; I got cut from the team, which was a hurdle.
Getting Out The Vote
It takes a village to get people to exercise their constitutional right. It’s about as likely as getting people to exercise. Let’s focus on one energy intensive thing at a time…
Sample Get Out Gag:
Voting’s fun, like being in Kindergarten again. You show up, someone points you in the right direction, then you color in some circles and get a sticker!
Now go out there and find a comedy writer who matches your sensibilities to punch up your Presidential run! Once you win, we will go over how to have a hilarious first term.