Jonah Hill’s weight loss — victory, tragedy or conspiracy?

The world is reeling from the news that Jonah Hill is now at his ‘lowest ever weight’, having lost the 3 stone he put on for his role in War Dogs. Mr Hill was still trending on Facebook this morning (16 March).

Coincidentally this is the entire cast for a Scandi noir I’m pitching to ITV

The media has been unacceptably shallow in its treatment of the incident, focusing only on its short-term implications for Mr Hill. This article aims to address some of the deeper issues at play.

First, the picture. The Wolf of Wall Street star, 33, was photographed a couple of days ago looking like this:

What does it mean

Before we get to the game-changing question of his weight, you’ll notice a couple of things.

Thing 1: The Shorts

Mr Hill has immediately thrown us a curveball with his choice of shorts. Is it a fold in the fabric you see halfway down each leg? I think not. Let’s explore the options.

make u think
  1. Weird pockets. Although the more conventional theory, I’m not sure this holds water. Why would Mr Hill have external pockets on his shorts? A pickpocket’s dream, these would also provide poor protection to Mr Hill’s valuables in case of rain.
  2. A zip. Mr Hill is no stranger to versatility, with film credits ranging from Superbad to Sausage Party. He appears to have allowed his on-screen adaptability to influence his fashion choices, with shorts that convert at any time into slightly shorter shorts. I invite you all to think of the flexibility this must bring to his day, with occasions as diverse as “beach party with the Fonz” and “informal summer funeral” united in one garment.

Thing 2: The Socks

The mainstream media want you to believe the photograph depicts Mr Hill returning from the gym. He is visibly perspiring, sporting understated yet practical activewear, and holding a bottle of water. Is this really the case?

Wake up, sheeple

Mr Hill’s socks are clearly drawn to freakishly full height, which begs the question: how have they remained in place during his workout? Again, theories abound:

  1. This wasn’t leg day. We can dismiss this theory out of hand. Mr Hill’s solid calves clearly indicate that every day is leg day. If there’s one actor I’d want to push my car up a slope, it’s Get Him To The Greek star Jonah Hill.
  2. He has really elastic socks. Possible. Mr Hill has already shown an inclination towards practical clothing (see Thing 1: The Shorts). But which is more practical: socks that stay up, or circulation in your feet? Knowing what we do of Mr Hill, the man and the artist, I suspect he values the latter. This isn’t the kind of sock tautness you expect from a man who’s just lost 3 stone.
  3. He hasn’t been working out at all. Is that sweat on his shirt, or water? And is that the incriminating bottle in his left hand? The mainstream media would have you think Mr Hill has been doing exercise, but are they, and Mr Hill, simply slaves to the gym-industrial complex? “Just look sweaty, Jonah, that’s right, sweaty and thin. You’ll get your money when we’ve got the photos.”
Sounds like they’re recruiting for a cult

The Weight Loss — What we know so far

The media has reported, as you know, that Mr Hill is at his ‘lowest-ever weight’. This means two things:

1. Someone has been keeping a constant and ongoing record of two-time Academy Award nominee Jonah Hill’s weight.

2. Two-time Academy Award nominee Jonah Hill was the biggest child in human history.

Let’s deal with revelation 1 first. Who is this devoted statistician? Surely Mr Hill, a man who has suffered before at the hands of the mainstream media (The Sun described him as ‘known for his fluctuating weight’) would baulk at the prospect of a day-to-day record?

Perhaps this vigilante has been measuring Mr Hill’s weight by trickery, posing as a range of different professionals (doctor, ski hire assistant etc) in an attempt to force a weighing. Perhaps he or she has concealed a small set of scales in Mr Hill’s skateboard. Perhaps this maniac has created a clone of Mr Hill, and on a daily basis instructs it (him?) to copy every single act of Mr Hill’s life (yes, including Grandma’s Boy) in order to replicate his weight in real time. Or maybe it’s just that years were spent compiling the perfect algorithm to calculate Mr Hill’s weight using only a range of visual data inputs.

We don’t know. What we do know is that none of us is safe. You too could have your weight history leaked to the newspapers. Be smart. Check your floorboards from time to time.

Finally, the biggest question of all. If Mr Hill is lighter now than he has ever been before, what can we surmise about his childhood? One can only imagine the excitement of being a 15-stone infant. “How heavy can he get?!” people would ask incredulously. There was a sweepstake between parents at his school as to just how big the massive toddler Jonah Hill would grow up to be. He won at every sport. Scouts came from far and wide to sign him up to youth football teams. Nobody picked on him. He was four years old when he fought his first teacher, and Mr O’Malley didn’t stand a chance.

Is this, then, a story of great potential shattered? As you know, Mr Hill reached a peak weight of only a few stone heavier than his childhood glory days. He must have felt rudderless, devoid of motivation, a failure. Just another medium-to-well-built man in need of redemption.

Does this acceptance of his new ‘normal’ weight mean redemption has come? Do the Oscar nominations, the talk show appearances, or hanging out with James Franco fill the hole in his self-esteem that was once taken up by the fact that he was literally the size of his entire class put together? We can’t be sure. All we can do is continue to weigh Mr Hill on a daily basis, and wait eagerly for the results. And wait we will. This mystery is going to run and run.