Charles Schulz Walks Into An Office…
1950’s Charles M. Schulz walks into an office…
(Cartoon Syndicate) Executive: So I hear you have a comic strip to pitch me.
Schulz: I do. (reaches into his portfolio)
Executive: What the hell is that?
Schulz: What?
Executive: That piece of luggage you brought there.
Schulz: It’s not luggage. It’s my portfolio. I have all of my cartoons in here.
Executive: You do them on paper?
Schulz: Of course.
Executive: Ever heard of a thumb drive?
Schulz: A what?
Executive: Never mind. So what’s the strip about?
Schulz: It’s about a group of kids.
Executive: Yeah?
Schulz: And their adventures.
Executive: Like..?
Schulz: Well this is the main character, Charlie Brown. And his aim is to one day kick a football.
Executive: Kick a football?
Schulz: Yes, but his friend Lucy won’t hold it still for him. Every time he tries to boot it she pulls it away. Lucy can be rotten sometimes.
Executive: Why doesn’t he get someone else to hold it for him?
Schulz: (pauses) I’m not sure actually…
Anyway, Charlie’s best friend is Linus. He’s Lucy’s brother. He sucks his thumb and carries a blanket around all the time.
Executive: Who? Charlie Brown?
Schulz: No. Linus. He sucks his thumb and is always hanging onto a blanket.
Executive: How old is he?
Schulz: 7 or 8. Maybe 5.
Executive: OK.
Schulz: Charlie Brown’s dog is Snoopy. He’s always trying to steal Linus’ blanket away from him. He’s a crazy dog.
Executive: Because he steals blankets?
Schulz: Well, yes but because of other things too. He dances on pianos. He also “thinks” he’s a World War I flying ace. He’s always trying to shoot down The Red Baron. Silly dog.
Executive: So he’s a fighter pilot? I mean he pretends that he’s a fighter pilot.
Schulz: Yes. And one day he will kill the Red Baron. Or at least he hopes to.
Executive: So a killer dog in a strip with 8 year olds and one of which may or may not be 8 years old but he still sucks his thumb and carries around a blanket?
Schulz: Yep! You’re getting it.
Executive: Are there other characters?
Schulz: Oh yes. Lots of them. There’s Sally. She’s Charlie Brown’s sister. She sort of loves Linus.
Executive: Even with the blanket thing?
Schulz: I think she thinks it’s cute. She’s blonde and her feet look like tiny dinner rolls.
Executive: OK.
Schulz: Then there’s Schroeder. He’s always playing the piano. He also has blonde hair.
Executive: Hmm. More blonde hair. Do his feet look like tiny dinner rolls as well?
Schulz: Yes. They all have feet that look like tiny dinner rolls. Except Peppermint Patty. She wears sandals
Executive: Why “Peppermint” Patty?
Schulz: Sounded kinda cool. She likes Charlie Brown. She always calls him Chuck. Peppermint Patty is really funny.
Executive: Sounds like it.
Schulz: Her friend is Marcie. Marcie always wears glasses and always calls Peppermint Patty “sir”.
Executive: Why?
Schulz: I have no idea. Oh I forgot to mention that Peppermint Patty has freckles.
Executive: Is that significant?
Schulz: Then there’s Woodstock. He’s a yellow bird.
Executive: Like Big Bird.
Schulz: No he’s a small bird. Plays hockey. Drives a Zamboni.
Executive: A Zamboni?
Schulz: A tiny Zamboni.
Executive: Evidently. So the strip revolves around Charlie Brown then?
Schulz: Pretty much. He’s in love with the Little Red-Haired Girl but is too shy to talk to her.
Executive: What’s her name?
Schulz: Little Red-Headed Girl.
Executive: OK. So why doesn’t she like him?
Schulz: Probably the same reason most people don’t like Charlie Brown. He really lacks confidence and bad things always seem to be happening to him.
Executive: I would think that would make him more likable.
Schulz: I guess it could. He’s always talking to Lucy about his problems, although it’s not actually Lucy he’s talking to, it’s Dr. Lucy. She has a roadside advice stand set to help Charlie Brown deal with his problems.
Executive: So she’s a doctor?
Schulz: Nope. Just pretends to be.
Executive: But she still hates him.
Schulz: Well not really I think. Plus she makes money at being a doctor. Five cents per visitor. Did I mention that Lucy is in love with Schroeder?
Executive: The guitar player?
Schulz: Piano player.
Executive: No you didn’t. Does he like Lucy?
Schulz: I don’t think so. He just ignores her all the time.
Executive: To play the piano.
Schulz: Yes. To play the piano. Loves his piano. Oh I forgot to mention Pigpen. This is Pigpen (shows off a drawing of him).
Executive: What’s all the stuff around him?
Schulz: Oh that’s dirt. Pigpen is ALWAYS dirty.
Executive: Why?
Schulz: I’m not too sure but I think his family is probably really poor so they can’t afford to buy soap.
Executive: OK.
Schulz: Or maybe he just likes being dirty all the time. I might need to work on that part of the story a little more.
Executive: Maybe a bit.
Schulz: There’s also Franklin. He’s a Negro.
Executive: You mean African-American?
Schulz: I didn’t know he was from Africa.
Executive: I think the odds are high that he might be… So what’s the story with Franklin?
Schulz: He just walks around and talks to people. He wasn’t in the strip at the start but I wanted to add some other people to the strip to make it more…
Executive: Diverse?
Schulz: Funny. Negroes can be very funny you know.
Executive: I’ve heard that. Do his feet look like tiny dinner rolls as well?
Schulz: Yeah. I think everybody’s feet look like tiny dinner rolls. We’re all the same really. Except for Peppermint Patty. She wears sandals.
Executive: And Marcie calls her “sir”.
Schulz: She does.
Executive: So what’s the strip called?
Schulz: Peanuts.
Executive: Ah, clever.
Schulz: What’s clever?
Executive: The name. Pea-NUTS.
Schulz: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Executive: Well you’ve got a killer dog with a delusional disorder, a passive aggressive older sister who has violent tendencies. Her younger brother seems to have abandonment issues or at the very least a big Peter Pan Syndrome. We have a piano player with savant tendencies, a young girl with either degenerative vision issues or the inability to simply decipher a boy from a girl. A kid whose neglectful and possibly psychotic parents can somehow afford to feed him yet can’t find a way to buy him some soap. Then you have a token black kid who certainly must be suffering from sort of alienation syndrome AND your lead character is a manic depressive bald kid dealing with repetitive childhood traumas who for some reason gets cheap psychological advice from the very person who’s causing most of the traumas. Pea NUTS! I get it.
Schulz: Oh. I just thought it was a cute name. It was either that or…
Executive: Tiny Dinner Rolls?
Schulz: Yeah. How’d you know?
