It’s been a month and a half since I was let go from my job as a hostess at the restaurant. The reason they told me was because they decided they were too slow and couldn’t afford a hostess. I had only worked there a total of six days before I was let go. In the six days I had worked, I only had two full shifts. To save money they sent me home early the other four. This was frustrating because I live a half hour away from the restaurant. That’s a lot of driving and gasoline to just work for three hours. So when they let me go, I was disappointed but not completely devastated. I did however like the place. Everyone there was nice, the place had great ambience, and it was fun to be able to wear a few of my cute black dresses and look sharp as I greeted the diners and showed them to their tables. In between seating them and taking drink orders, I’d make light conversation with them. And I’m a natural when it comes to chatting with customers. It doesn’t matter if we already know each other, or if we’re strangers who’ve just met. I’m genuinely interested in talking to people.
Ever since I was let go from my hostess job at the restaurant, I’ve been hunting high and low for a new job. My efforts thus far have been fruitless. I’ve gone into bars, restaurants, coffee houses, and retail shops inquiring if anyone needs help. I’ve been met with a variety of responses, none of which finds me employed. My job inquiries usually go something like this…
Hi. My name is Charli. Would you happen to be looking for help?
No, ___________ .
(fill in the blank with one of the responses below)
we’re not looking.
we’re fully staffed.
we stopped interviewing candidates last week.
try checking back in a few months.
not now, but maybe around the holidays.
that job post is old and the position has already been filled.
we just hired someone yesterday.
I had a place tell me they were fully staffed only to find a job post on Craigslist later that evening posted on the exact same day I had asked. The few places that actually took my resume never called me for an interview. I think the only reason they took it was because I told them I had seen the ad they posted on Craigslist the day before.
The reason I believe I’m being rejected is that I’m transgender and I present 27/7. Whenever I decide to stop in and ask about a job, I intentionally wear either a skirt or dress. I do this on purpose so they can see who I am from the start and there won’t be any confusion as to who they might be hiring. But it never gets to that. The only thing it does do is weed out places that are clearly not comfortable with having someone transgender working for them. Unfortunately that seems to be everywhere I’ve gone. I feel discouraged to say the least and my depression is getting worse by the day. I know I’m not alone and there are probably many transgender men and women, and nonbinary people who go through this too. It’s just another hurdle set up on the track of life that we all face.
Most recently I applied for a job at a new 7-eleven that recently opened down the street. Not exactly what I had in mind for a new job, but at this point I’m starting to get desperate. I figure it’s honest work and I’m not above doing anything. Still, I worry I might be targeted because of how I look and perhaps assaulted or robbed if I worked at a place like that. I constantly see shady people standing around in the parking lot at similar places around town. The upside would be being surrounded by snacks. I have no doubt I would probably gain weight eating cupcakes and candy, chips and cookies, and all the hotdogs I could possibly consume without making myself physically ill. I LOVE hotdogs.
So my job search continues. I hope I find something soon. I keep telling myself to keep looking and I’ll eventually find something. But other than my six day hostess job (which I was never paid for), I’ve been looking for close to a year and so far have no prospects.
I still have my winery job for the time being. I used to work four days a week in the tasting room. Now I only work one. After the last manager quit, the new manager cut my other days and either took them for herself or hired her girlfriends and family members. The manager is quite young (I’m old enough to be her parent) and she treats me like I’m a child. She micromanages me and acts like I don’t know what I’m doing. Mind you I’ve worked there for over eight years while she’s only been there the last three. I never had any issues prior to her being hired. She’s always looking for things to write me up about and I’ve been written up five times since she was hired. At first it was upsetting, but now I realize she just wants me to quit because she’s young and insecure. I’ve refused to sign anything because she’s done the exact same things herself (which I’ve pointed out) or she comes up with new policies that weren’t in place prior to her write up. I’ve told the owner a couple times that I feel like I’m being harassed and the manager is creating a hostile work environment in order to get me to quit. The owner is hands off and doesn’t want to get involved. He also has Asperger’s, so he doesn’t quite understand what’s going on. I asked him a couple times to just send me a termination letter and spare me the humiliation of sitting through another disciplinary meeting. He never does. I have a feeling he’s scared I’ll sue him for discrimination because I’m transgender. I don’t want to accuse them of anything, but all this coincides with when I came out. The manager is mindful to use my preferred pronouns, but it takes more than that. So here we are. I’m not quitting because I can’t afford to and they try to make my shifts as unbearable as they possibly can. Last week she was extra rude and short with me for some unknown reason. I never really know why, but her attitude makes me feel uneasy. Still, I work hard. I always have. I’m the first one there and the last to leave. I set up the patio furniture, count the cash drawer, restock the bar, check the wines for serving, and sweep and mop the floors. I’m forced to clean the bathroom and scrub the toilet because the four people who worked the day before can’t be bothered to do anything beyond taking the trash out. And sometimes they don’t even do that. I’m now the de facto janitor and feel like Cinderella without the glass slipper. I do all this before the manager and assistant manager (who is also young and has been there less than six months) stroll in and start chatting with each other instead of jumping in to help. The only part of my job I still enjoy is pouring wine and talking to customers. At the end of the day I bring in the patio furniture and clean up the tasting room. The managers usually either leave while I’m hustling to get everything done or they hang out and drink wine while they complain about how hard their shift was. And then they take tips which is illegal for managers to do in CA. I used to love my job here and looked forward to coming into work. Now I dread it and my enthusiasm has dried up. Again, I know I’m not the only trans person to go through this. It sucks nonetheless.
Having my shifts cut down so drastically and the loss of revenue from the tips I used to make working at the tasting room has put me in a financial bind. I’m constantly stressed out about money now and can barely keep my head above water each month. I live check to check and my credit card bills are getting higher each month. It’s the only way I can get by at the moment. It’s getting worse every month I don’t make that same income. I’m losing sleep over it and it’s worsened my anxiety and depression to the point of having a difficult time getting through my day. I’ve been drinking a lot more lately just so I can relax.
I still have my little boutique job, which I’m extremely grateful for. I love working there and my sales numbers are really good. Something the owner has acknowledged with a tiny raise. And I would like to work there more if I could. I had asked the owner that if anyone left and another day became available, could I please have that shift. Initially she agreed and told me I was first on the list. She’s since walked it back and said that she doesn’t want anyone working more than three days a week, so we don’t get burnt out. She added that this was the policy she’s had for the 10 years she’s been in business. It left me feeling confused because of what she had initially told me. She mentioned she was planning on hiring a friend of hers to take available shifts. My anxiety makes me feel like she doesn’t want me there but in reality she probably never meant what she said before and was only trying to make me feel good at the time. Still, it’s made me feel insecure about my job. I’m not sure what to do other than accept it and hope she doesn’t eventually replace me. If I end up losing this job, I feel like I’ll just give up and call my life quits. I’ve already thought about it a lot, so it would just be a matter of when I decide to actually do it.
In the meantime I’m going to continue to print resumes, check for job postings online, and walk into random places to ask if they need help. Even if I don’t feel like asking a stranger for a job in a place that doesn’t appeal to me. I will dress nice and try to look as good as I can to make a good first impression. Even though I have low self esteem from getting turned down so many times. And I will have a smile on my face and an upbeat attitude. Even though I feel sad and depressed to the point of breaking down and crying because I feel so desperate. I will keep trying and hold out hope even though it feels hopeless.
