Routine is important for me

I haven’t written a blog for quite a while because I didn’t think I needed to but the last few weeks have got me putting pen to paper once again.
When I was in the thick of it, writing helped, getting it all down on paper & out in the open helped me make more sense of what was going on in my head & now without any pills I feel this is my outlet.
For us a family there has been a lot of change in the last few months & I know I’ve been up and down during this time but have managed to keep things under some sort of control. Then just when things have settled……24th October my back went, in a big way. Sciatica, muscle tears, bulging disk, numbness & rooted to the spot in tears unable to move…..fast forward a couple of hours & we are in A&E high on co-codimol & diazepam, the numbness was the worry. Almost instantly I knew this wasn’t going to go away over night, my routine was going to be interrupted for god knows how long….shit! Everyone has their own way of dealing with anxiety & depression, for me it’s having a routine, this revelation didn’t happen overnight, I’ve worked it out over time that when something unexpected happens which disrupts my routine I begin to feel wobbly. I work well with a routine, my brain functions well with a routine, take that away & fuck, here we go again!
It’s funny, I moan about ‘the same old shit’ but I need that same old shit. Without getting in the car to go to work, keeping the family fed or walking Sid I feel lost, everything is an effort & I start to shut myself off from the outside world, four walls seem a better place than venturing outside, leave it to long & the sort won’t even open. That slippery slope is getting more slippery as the days go on but I will not go backwards.
I have two friends who I cannot hide anything from, I’m sure one is a witch, she must be because out of the blue she will text saying she knows I’m not ok, the other friend worries whenever my routine is broken, she knows I could struggle if I’m not kept busy…..thank you to you both, you know who you are & I’m so appreciative that you look out for me.
Right now I’m in a funny place, which I’m actually ok with (I think), I’m just riding along on this hiccup of an unplanned journey, patience, that’s all I need. It’s unplanned, it’s short-term & it won’t last. Things are looking positive for my back, it’s fixable & can be managed long term so a win win.
Lots of people talk about self-care, taking time out for you, if you don’t look after yourself then how can you look after others but we are all guilty of not having just a little time to do something for us, all intentions go out the window. I’m making a promise that from 1st January 2020 I am going to do something for me once a week, nothing massive, it might just be an hour to read or a soak in the bath, simple easy things which really there would be no excuse not to.
I probably won’t write again this year, I’m sure I won’t need to so please remember to keep talking & looking out for each other, Christmas can be hard for some, it’s so easy to mask what’s really going on, oh & be kind too xx