The best things I wrote in 2016

I recently dreamt that Russia hacked into my brain before the election and manipulated my thoughts to somehow hurt Hillary Clinton’s chances of winning (I also dreamt I took a shower with Leonardo DiCaprio and we were both wearing wetsuits, but I digress). My hopes for our country this year quickly went from “let’s advance the social progress we’ve made and try to do more to curb climate change” to “let’s not get nuked tomorrow, maybe, I don’t know, whatever.” For the first time in my life, I’m not sure the very near future is going to be better than the very near past. I’m optimistic, but I also look around me, and what I’m seeing these days isn’t great.

It therefore feels strange to talk about what my corner of 2016 was like because it seems wildly inconsequential. At the same time, we’ve got to keep on keeping on, you know? And this year, I kept on: I left the place I grew up and moved to a new city hundreds and hundreds of miles away. I switched jobs (a few times). I met new people who’ve become incredibly important to me, and deepened my appreciation for the people I love who were already in my life.

Keeping on also meant watching sports, and writing about sports, and telling jokes on the internet, and getting shit for the jokes I told on the internet, and then trying to tell better jokes on the internet. It meant listening to new albums until I knew all the words. It meant patting the dog, being in Maine, drawing pictures, roasting sweet potatoes, and drinking wine that I was pretty sure was mine, but could’ve been my roommate’s, but that I figured was okay because I’d just buy another bottle tomorrow, anyway.

It also meant writing some things I’m proud of. Last year I put all the links in one place. I’m going to do that again, because the internet is like this giant marshmallow where stories get swallowed up even if they never disappear, as much as you’d like some of them to. In the event that we do make it to, say, 2066, I’ll want evidence that my jokes have always been corny.

A big thank you to anyone who’s read what I’ve written. It means more to me than I can tell you. What I try to do is point out how inherently funny the world is while still taking it seriously, so it’s my deepest hope that some of these pieces either made you laugh, showed you something new, or articulated a feeling you hadn’t yet put into words.

Bottom line: This would all be pointless without you.

I wrote a lot this year. Here are some stories:

I hung out with Julian Edelman for a night at a football clinic he put on for women at Gillette Stadium. It was...nuts.

I recapped The Bachelorette last season (and made a flowchart about it), tracking Jordan Rodgers, Aaron Rodgers’ brother, as though he were playing football. Week 6 was probably the best one. Jordan followed me on Twitter for a bit, but then when I wrote “Jordan Rodgers’ post-Bachelorette Instagrams will make you want to barf,” and he unfollowed me. I also talked to a bunch of NFL players about how much they love The Bachelorette. I recapped Dancing with the Stars for a little while, too.

I will be recapping this season of The Bachelor for SB Nation (starting in a less than a week!!!) and hoo boy, it’s already looking like it’s going to be a doozy, if the cast bios are any indication (they were also amazing last season).

I recently took a deep dive into the cult of YETI coolers.

I woke up to The Rock’s alarm clock app every day for a week (and then The Rock sang to me). We are now buds.

I wrote about how hard it is to continue to defend Kanye even though I love his music so much.

I spent some time with Patrick Downes, a survivor of the Boston Marathon bombings, before he threw out the first pitch at Fenway this spring. He is an incredible guy who is wildly generous with his time and attention, and it was a pleasure to get to cheer him on the next day as he ran 26.2 miles on his prosthetic leg.

I wrote a profile of the tennis player Jack Sock, who was fresh off a few medals in doubles at the Olympics before heading into the U.S. Open.

I also wrote a profile of Lyle Brewer, a musician in Boston who is very, very, very cool and has battled some real demons.

I went vintage shopping with WNBA player Stef Dolson.

I ripped apart an XFINITY commercial, and it turns out that a lot of people hated it as much as I do.

I talked to Sarah Gertrude Shapiro, the creator of ‘UnREAL,’ a show based on a show like The Bachelor, and wrote about how she depicted real women at work.

Nate Scott and I chose our ten favorite songs that came out each week.

I broke the news that the Falcons’ new stadium will have a statue of a huge-ass bird in front of it.

I covered the congressional baseball game.

I reported on a fight between a McDonald’s and a liquor store in Massachusetts.

I asked a bunch of people in a coffee shop if they thought Drake and Taylor Swift were dating.

I looked back on this year in sports and drew some pictures. I also drew this picture:

I wrote about the Orioles GM Dan Duquette.

I compared Russell Westbrook’s revenge tour to Tom Brady’s.

I penned an ode to the Cubs’ Kyle Schwarber and his beard.

I wrote an essay from the point of view of a squirrel who ran across Lambeau Field.

I ranked overrated foods and made it clear that a hot dog is not a sandwich.

I correctly argued that Beyoncé should be the only performer allowed to perform at the Super Bowl halftime show and that badminton is the best Olympic sport.

I blogged an appreciation of Tim Duncan’s clothes and LeBron’s double breasted suits and that time Bill Belichick wouldn’t take a picture with my friend.

I made another flowchart, this time about whether you should watch the Kentucky Derby.

Anyway. There were more blogs, but there will always be more blogs. You can click my byline on any of these delightful websites where I published stuff if you want to see the dregs. And again, thank you, thank you, thank you, once again, for reading any of it.

Here’s to a less-shitty version of 2017 than we’re currently expecting. And to not getting nuked.