Heart of palm: no heart at all

Here is the deal: I’m not a picky eater. But today I ate one of the worst things I’ve tasted in my entire life.

Heart of palm.

WHAT the hell is that anyway you may ask??

The culprit

Google tells me: “Heart of palm is a vegetable harvested from the inner core and growing bud of certain palm trees.”


I say: “A soggy piece of chopped wood with a name to make you feel like you‘re something special bc you got a salad AND an unknown topping.”

I was so excited for this salad. See?

But I sat at my desk and sifted through my salad and picked every God awful piece out of my salad. I cannot remember the last time I didn’t eat something even though it tasted mediocre and slightly awful.

BUT this, this. This heart of palm now sits at number one on my very very short list of food I hate.

HERE are examples to prove my point:

One time (in college. I have a tiny bit more money now to buy shit with heart of palm on it, obviously) I had a piece of tilapia, some leftover rice, and an egg left before I needed to finally grocery shop again.

I decided to combine them like I was some master chef on those TV shows that have to use whatever they can find in the fridge to create a masterpiece.

I combined it all in a pan, flipped it and stirred it around like I should switch my major to culinary arts and cooked that shit right up. But then it was so terrible. SO so terrible.


I tried to eat it — whilst gagging. I even tried to mask the taste with hot sauce, which was not working, or helping in the slightest. I ate about half of it while hating life until my roommate, ANOTHER HUMAN, felt terrible enough about my life and told me to stop.

I teeter the line between cheap and sustainable. Mainly I’m cheap and my tastebuds have been so so kind for that lifestyle.

BUT not today, friends. NOT today.

Pic of the terrible bottom-of-my-shoe wood scallops:

And honestly, I want to point out that I get food from this beautiful establishment almost everyday. And the salad was miraculous with its mangos and pistachios and TOASTED COCONUT, yes. And the mango vinaigrette– delicious.

But not even the vinaigrette could make the texture of this mushroom bouncy ball any better.

I’m not even writing this to be dramatic, which it is, but I am writing this to INFORM you to just not. Do not try to be fancy or think you can experiment with a new salad topping. You will throw the whole damned thing away if you are not careful.

I am just glad I could save my lil lettuce pieces and toasted coconut shavings from this pathetic excuse for a vegetable. Heart of palm my butt!!

That’s all, bye.

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