How to Stop Being Petty: 7-Sure Fire Tips to Calm Your Inner Rage

Chris Hart
Jul 23, 2017 · 6 min read

I can be a petty person at times. In fact I think we all can be petty. I think we all have a tendency to get mad over the most trivial things that people do when most people from the outside are thinking.. calm down, calm the fuck down, ghandi mate, remember ghandi.

I know I’m not alone. I mean, we all get mad of stupid things, it’s just a matter of how we handle it. Especially when it’s something small that other people do towards us.

Here’s just a small list of petty things that really piss me off:

  • When people take an entire day to respond to my texts(especially when I am trying to set up plans; not like it’s that hard to take 5 seconds out of your day and say “yeah that works”, or “no, I can’t make it”).
  • When people go too slow on the freeway, especially when they’re in the fast lane
  • When people tailgate me on the freeway when I’m already above the speed-limit in the slow lane.
  • When people cancel plans last minute, or are otherwise flaky in anyway they see fit. (It’s not like I couldn’t of found other things to-do, had I known you weren’t going to follow through more than 5 minutes ahead of time).
  • When your work decides that 5 days straight of staff meetings are the most effective use of your time (Because it’s not like anyone in the office has actual stuff to-do, other then talk for 5 days, while your boss asks everyone at the end of the week why nothing is getting done).
  • When your friends who are couples argue in public, and not like a minor disagreement, water under the bridge argument. No the full blown, WWIII style arguments, where it’s all about the he said, she said, you’re awful I love you, style arguments that drag on for a fucking hour and leave you wondering why was it so hard to just hangout with these people and enjoy the evening.
  • When your friends spend a hour complaining about some life circumstance, and seeking out advice and then do the opposite of what you say and have the audacity go back to you complaining about the same problem the next week. Meanwhile you’re left thinking.. You fool! I told you this would happen, don’t know why you didn’t listen buddy.

Okay, so that’s a not so short list, but I assure you it’s the tip of the iceberg of meningeal things that can make me mad on any given day.

By now you’re probably wondering, what do we do about it? How do we stop ourselves from acting out of a place of pettiness. Because it’s not like you can justifiably say.. “Yeah, it takes you 9 hours to respond to a text, I don’t think we can be friends anymore”, and expect people to not look at your like you’re an asshole or crazy, or both.

On the flip side, you can’t harbor resent me towards these people, especially if they’re your friends. Because you are mad at them, and even if you know it’s over something silly, your subconscious mind is still mad at them as if they wronged you. That will fester through your relationship with them. That will begin showing up discretely through the way you talk with them, and the way you act around them. People will begin to catch on that you seem peeved with them (and more then likely not address it because most people hate conflict) and slowly but surely your great relationship with your friends disappears.

How do we stop being petty? How do we stop harboring resentment to our friends?

  1. Practice Acceptance: We’re all human. Each and everyone one of us is easily infuriated by the littlest things and equally perform actions that infuriate other people. Begin accepting that what ever the person is doing is apart of who they are. It is not a personal attack towards you, it has nothing to-do with who you are as an individual, but rather it is who they are as a person. Some people just suck at texting back and some drivers really just like to tailgate people.
  2. Set Lower Expectations: A while back I read an article that said people with anger issues don’t have a problem with anger, they have a problem with optimism. The ones who are most prone to losing their temper have a perfect vision of this world and they way they would like things to work. Unfortunately this vision is doomed to never actually occur so they get frustrated when their version of reality does not match up with their version in their head. So if you find yourself constantly frustrated, you may just need to set lower expectations. You might just need to expect that your boss is going to waste all your time this week, or expect that your friends are going to flake out on you, and be pleasantly surprised when they don’t. It goes hand and hand with acceptance.
  3. Memento Mori: A few days ago, I read an article by Ryan Holiday reminding everyone that they are mortal and they don’t need to waste their time doing pointless things. What I took away was that we are all going to die eventually and potentially that day could be tomorrow. Would you want to spend your last days of life berating your friends over small, little things that just happened to make you mad that day or would you want to spend it having quality time and true enjoyment? I know I always pick having quality time because no small petty argument is worth sacrificing a great conversation with one of your best-friends.
  4. Practice Forgiveness: This is kind of a combination of all three. When I find myself pissed off at something petty with someone I truly care about and begin feeling resentment towards them, I always practice forgiveness. I tell myself that this person wronged me, they just didn’t know they wronged me. What they did is small and insignificant and to make a big deal over this will wrong them. Therefore, I forgive this person and accept them for who they are. For I am equally imperfect and am in no position to judge. Our relationship would be much better if we didn’t nit-pick over small, trivial actions.
  5. Remember the good: Rather than dwell on all the ways this person is pissing you off, remember all the good times you had. Remember all the joy this person brought into your life and remember how much fun you two have. Remind yourself about all the little moments you share and you want to continue sharing these little moments with them.
  6. Create Standards and Cut Ties if Needed: Sometimes you’re constantly mad at someone over something small week after week. Maybe these things are in the grey area of pettiness where it’s something that genuinely makes you mad, but isn’t big enough to confront the person over. Then you have to make standards for what you are willing to accept in the friendship or relationship. Write these down if you’re worried you will forget them. In this list, outline a list of a behavior that you will not tolerate in a friendship. You don’t have to show the list the other person, just use it to gauge whether an infuriating action is grey area petty or an actual big deal. If the action never goes over your boundary on the list then let it go and enjoy the friendship. If an action does cross a boundary over the list then confront the person respectfully and try to achieve a healthy resolution. However, if a resolution cannot be achieved be willing to cut ties. No-one should have tolerate poor behavior.
  7. Empathize with the person: The final thing I do when all else has failed me is to empathize with the other person. I try to get inside their head and figure out what is going with their life. I try to put myself in their shoes and ask myself, if I was in their position, would I be doing the same behavior. More then likely I can see their point of view and gain further understanding. For instance, when people don’t text me back in a timely manner, I always figure the other person is just busy with work and really didn’t have time to write back. Or they’re off on some awesome adventure and forget to check their phone. Or (my usual go-to) is that maybe they saw the text, replied back in their head, and decided I am going to respond later and then forgot to reply back until it’s midnight that day. This only works if you know the person well and can create a believable story. But it always helps.

Try to practice one of these tips this upcoming week. Let me know how it works out.

If you have any other tips, leave them in the comments below! Also let me know if you would want more content geared toward managing personal relationships!

Chris Hart

Written by

Biologist. Coffee addict. Nature Fanatic. I write about depression, self-reflection, and rambles on life. Contact me at: hartchri@oregonstate.edu

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