My greatest enemy just died

Less than 2 weeks prior to my high school reunion the only person I would consider an enemy, died.

When my wife walked down in the morning to tell me what she saw on facebook, I was shocked. For close to a decade he was always in the back of my head. One of those regrets that your brain keeps bringing back in dreams. But that was an outcome that I was not prepared for.

I’ve always imagined we would fight again, just like we had every time after he was arrested. The last time, senior year in college, I was fortunate because he was too drunk and out numbered. Each of us got a few punches in before being pulled away, but it stood as a reminder.

Once the reunion was posted, I knew that would be the next opportunity that our paths might cross. The dreams started again. I began lifting weights with a purpose. Add additional sprints into the normal run. I was always hopeful that time would amend the hate. That we would just see each other, hold a stare from across the room, keep our distance and move on. But I knew him.

After the shock I felt a weird sense of relief. All the extra mental overhead of what to do in this situation or that one, no longer mattered. It was over. It was something I wouldn’t have to deal with.

Then frustration. But I had been preparing, this was my Olympics, I was ready to overcome this. By myself. I knew that I could slay my own dragon…and then the dragon overdosed. What the fuck! That can’t happen. What do you mean?! That’s not how it was supposed to happen. This was supposed to be an explosion, a grand finale like every protagonist & antagonist. Not a technicality.

That evening I was sitting on my porch, looking at the trees, the wind in the leaves and now think, what did he feel? Was he worried, anxious, feeling the same? Or had time passed and move on. I was always planning on that first look of the eyes to see what he planning. That quick scan to for fight or flight. But he’s gone. I will never know if I had a nemesis or just shadow boxing an old memory.

Backstory

In college he sold drugs and was my roommate. We found out we were going to the same school & same dorm and put in a request to room together. This was more a loose association of someone I knew in a group of friends to be convenient, not a BFF situation. At first it was small amounts of pot for some extra cash, meh most people did. But then harder drugs, and more.

My girlfriend at the time thought it was putting me in a bad position and tipped of the cops. She was right, it was 3 felonies too much. I had the 5 minute opportunity to stop it, let him know it was about to happen. I didn’t. Even though it ended up being her name in the police report he blamed me, that’s fine, I take that responsibility. I picked a relationship over a person who wasn’t really a friend, turned a bad situation worse and created enemy. An enemy in the real sense of the term, stemming across physical, emotional and digital harm.

He eventually got off all 3 felonies down to a few misdemeanors and a semester off. But over the next 4 years we would have occasional run ins. That loose group a friends created a loop. Every time we met we fought.

Reunion

This has been sitting in drafts for a while. I didn’t want to publish until after the reunion, not sure why but just felt appropriate. In the back of the room for the reunion was a small table memorial with a few photos. It was nice and would hope that someone would have done the same for me. But his name was not mentioned. No announcements, speeches or even side comments. The only person that talked about it was the ex-girlfriend who lived that experience with me. There he sat in the corner, holding a stare and keeping our distance, finally moving on.