Don’t Touch My Soul with Dirty Hands

Support is an interesting thing. While wading through the present cesspool of problems the kids and I are faced with daily, I’ve come to the stark-naked realization that ultimately its just the three of us. I know that there are people who love us and do care, but those people have their own lives and agendas and that’s that. There have been people who have pleasantly surprised me with caring and concern, but more who have been a disappointment. I know that no one else is responsible for the three of us but me. That is really not a problem, and I prefer it that way. Rene voluntarily relinquished all parental rights two weeks ago, and I was very happy to hear it. I’ve always thought of my family and myself as more than enough to provide an environment for the kids to grow and flourish.

The long and short of it is that I’ve got to be more than enough, period. The kids aren’t a priority to anyone else, unless of course the stars align exactly right or they fit into an already tight schedule of more important things. I don’t mean to sound bitchy or ungrateful. Like I said, many people have really been fantastic to us and have gone above and beyond. Its just interesting to me that the people who have really shown us kindness and have been helpful are really not the ones I would have expected it from, generally. And, the ones I would have assumed would bend over backwards for us have been generally irritated, reluctant and have been very creative with excuses when I’ve needed help. I’m still pondering this and wondering what it says about people as a whole. I think I should spend more time on it, because my take-away at this juncture is not positive.

I’ve always preached that you can’t expect more out of people than they are capable of giving. I guess now I’ve got to really internalize that. I’ve found myself withdrawing from people and situations that I’ve embraced in the past. Right now, I just think that’s for the best. I think I may have been silly to trust so freely and expect people to do what they say they will and be who they appear outwardly to be. There’s a Kurt Vonnegut quote that says, “We are what we pretend to be. So we must be careful about what we pretend to be.” Its safe to say that the majority of what we know about any given person, no matter how close we are to them, is pretend, because people only put on the table what they want others to see. At what point are we sure of another person’s motives or character? You will not see a person’s heart and soul unless they are willing and honest.

A common mistake of mine is always *knowing* there’s more to a person than what meets the eye. They are better and more loving, caring, beautiful, intelligent, etc. than they appear to be… The macabre reality is that they are what they are and I am more intelligent, beautiful, loving, caring, etc. than I know. My gut is always right, and I need to stop apologizing for truths that others have birthed and quit explaining myself away. I’m not the mom I want to be right now. My patience isn’t what it should be and I could be a better example for my kids. I’m not the friend I want to be. I hope time and prayer and conscious diligence on my part can make these things and many others better as the moments and days and weeks pass. One foot in front of the other…