Superficial Reasons, Superficial People

In my last blog post, I said I would share some past journal entries to try and help people understand how I became the way I am. Honestly, I haven’t found any that I want to share yet. They are depressing, but very telling. I have a history of trying to save people who are impossible to save. I traditionally assume everyone else’s happiness and well-being is more important than mine. I have continually put up with lazy, narcissistic men who don’t genuinely give a damn about me as a person. Life is just the strangest thing. I find myself wondering why we are all buzzing around, going here or there in a hurry, for superficial reasons to please superficial people, including myself.

I am so bored and frustrated with this life. I started back to work and am teaching sophomores this year. Its a mess. The students, the curriculum, my poorly painted day to day game face, my smiles and encouraging words that mask the horror of where life has dumped me at 34… all of it. I so do not want to do this. But I continue to show up and wade through the trenches. I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I have to be on too much. I don’t even want to leave my house much less stand up in front of 200 hormonal, uninterested students and try to make STAAR test prep fun and exciting. Most of them can’t read or write, but I’m supposed to teach them Hemingway and antecedents. Lovely. And I care too much about every single one of them. Its a constant fight between my heart and my mind to muscle through every single day. Jesus just needs to come back already before I have to elbow my way through one more day of this crap.

Anaiah started kindergarten and now she’s away from me from 7:15 am to 6:00 pm. And she’s started asking why her daddy doesn’t call and why he doesn’t want us. I cannot afford to be away from her for 11 hours each day. She needs direction and answers and attention from her one remaining parent. But, I’m off working a job that doesn’t even pay most of our bills. Rene’s family’s contribution has been less than $1,000 since 2013. Its hard for me to even begin to deal with the last five years when I can’t even begin to understand any of it. It is crippling. I try to push through, but its getting more and more difficult to prevent that we are okay and I’m just as strong and resilient as ever. I’m hurt and tired and honestly want to throw in the towel. I don’t want to do this anymore.

The urge to move grips me so tightly sometimes that I just don’t think I can healthily stay where I am. I like the house we are in and I thought it was a good idea. I’m not so sure now. I’ve been praying so much. I pray a lot normally, because I know I cannot even get out of bed without God’s help in the morning. Lately, I’ve been praying constantly for some kind of peace and understanding and direction. I’m still empty-handed. I’m so angry that I am alone and can’t trust people. I want so badly to have mutually supportive, fulfilling and enriching relationships with other people, but people are complete disappointments, with very few exceptions.

I feel like I am alone in all of this. And while alone feels completely debilitating, depressing and hopeless, I feel even more so that this might be the definition of life in a broken world. I feel like 34 will turn into 84 very quickly, and I will still be sitting here staring at nothing in particular going through the motions for superficial reasons to please superficial people.