Survival of the Most Untrusting

It’s next to impossible to explain myself at all anymore. When I’m questioned about my responses to adversity, pain or emotion, I draw a blank. I know what’s going on with me, but I have no idea how to draw a road map of it for someone on the outside trying to look in. Fostering a relationship with someone requires trust and vulnerability. I have the best intentions of really giving that to the other person, then they slip up and make a stupid decision or neglect the process for a bit, and I’m done. I can’t reengage, and in no time at all, my heart and mind are a million miles away. I am stuck in survival mode and I can’t flip the switch. Maybe someday I will be normal me again. Maybe this is normal me.

My subconscious doesn’t trust me anymore and is in control of the drawbridge leading to my heart. I can love a person all day and night, but the subconscious will pull that drawbridge up faster than you can slap your mama if it senses a reason to raise the guard. I am an understanding, forgiving person. I believe in 100th chances. My subconscious does not. I’ll tackle that one of these days. The honest truth is I don’t really trust my judgment, either, when it comes to letting my guard down and opening up. I tend to give too much and too soon, so hell, let the subconscious have its way with me for awhile. If people are meant to be in my life, they will fight to stay. If not, the extra effort necessary to gain my trust will be too much and they will go. That doesn’t make me sad. It makes me relieved.

The exceptions are those people who have been with me through the worst of our struggles and know what I’m working with. These people feel my anxiety and see the brokenness in my eyes. They get it. They tell me when I’m being unreasonable and paranoid. They expertly lead me in the right direction when I’ve lost my way. I don’t have to explain anything. They know, and they get it.

So to those of you that watch my anxiety soar through the roof when the mailman knocks on my door or know you can text me at 3 am and I’ll respond because I rarely get sleep, thank you. And to those of you debating whether or not it’s worth the fight to get close — yes, it’s definitely worth it. But I’ll help you pack your shit if you decide to tap out.