As people around the world spend more and more time communicating with each other (loved ones, colleagues…) in messaging apps, naturally we’re tempted to also express less positive thoughts and feelings this way.
We become impatient or annoyed when too many people talk to us all at the same time — or when we’d better be doing something else and a chat partner demands too much attention!
At times, we may choose to indicate our frustration over something that happened offline the first chance we get to message the person that caused it. Oh boy…
Not to mention when we misunderstand words or tone. It feels like much of our despair arises from what we *think* the other person meant, and there’s often no way to clarify the mistake before harm is done.
Although we’ll probably never be able to avoid all negativity when messaging, there are some lifehacks to keep the communication flow respectful and calm, and thus keep both our relationships and our mental health intact!
1. Don’t act like you don’t know what’s happening
Passive aggression is a recurring theme in mobile messaging, as the temptation to be rude and then pretend the other person just misunderstood is always present.
Research shows that people are actually quite good at dealing with conflict and working on a resolution together - provided that their frustration is acknowledged.
(Just think how impossible it is to discuss a problem when the other person denies there is a problem!)
So when you feel negative emotions are taking over your chatflow, take a moment and ask how the other person is feeling and express your goodwill:
“Maybe it’s only because I’m in a rush, but it feels like you’d rather do something else on Saturday? I’m open to suggestions!”
2. Don’t copy and paste in older parts of the text
One of the Deadly Sins of text-based communication is the screenshot. No wonder this exploitation of the medium (the fact that unlike spoken words, your sent texts will stay on your chatmate’s phone!), combined with taking words out of context to prove your point or how your partner is being inconsistent, will drive a lot of people around you mad.
When you copy and paste, you turn from an equal chat partner into a… courtroom:
“Here! On 15 November 2017 at 11:42 am, the Defendant claimed they DO like Dancing with the Stars! Prior inconsistent statement!”
Isn’t that just lame, really? Unless you really want to hurt your chatmate (and why would you want that?) or you really don’t care whether you’ll ever speak again, this is something to always avoid doing.
We know you don’t mean it, so all we can say is bear in mind how this feels from the other side…
3. Don’t quit while the other person is still typing
Needless to say the digital equivalent of slamming doors, i.e. quitting a chatflow during a conflict leaving the other person there alone, is not the most mature thing you can do.
Chat app battles of simultaneous typing and no-longer-reading the other person’s messages is a common occurrence in a medium where you can’t just interrupt your “opponent”. While in some special cases taking 10 minutes to cool down and then come back to the conversation can be a good idea, in most chat situations quitting is seen as a huge offense.
This is of course NOT to say that you have to keep talking to somebody who’s being abusive toward you (if this is the case, leave and never look back!), but if you entered a quarrel consciously, or took part in creating it with someone you’d like to keep in your life, then collaborating on resolving the problem together will lead to the fastest and safest results.
REMEMBER: It’s in our human nature to love challenges and gaining experiences together, and so, believe it or not, resolved conflicts make human relationships much stronger.
Express to the other person that you’re feeling bad, but that you’re here and willing to discuss it until it is fully smoothed out. And if you do need a break, let your chatmate know you need one — but will be back in a few minutes.
4. “Always”, “again” and “(n)ever” are the weaponry of blame
Let’s face it: from their own point of view, everyone is convinced they are right. No one ever walks around thinking, “I’m so wrong but never mind, I will stick to my opinion.” We all think that our take on the world is the right take.
So when it comes to action -or, in the case of messaging, words- we like to think of our mistakes as one-offs. We’re truly nice people who’ve just made a bad choice.
However, as Eliezer Yudkowsky so candidly explored, we’re on constant lookout for the flaws of others, and can’t wait to interpret their bad choices as proofs of bad character!
(When you stop to think about it, this double standard is ludicrous. Or: makes complete sense — human societies have always been built on trust, and so assessing trustworthiness is a built-in tool of prehistoric survival! And ourselves we already trust, so…)
A good first step for refraining from this bad habit is to try and avoid the Arsenal of Blame Words — you always, you never, typical, and again…
Cutting back on these words not only shows patience towards the other person, but helps us remember that while we all make recurring mistakes, even habits don’t equal character.
If you want to make your chatmate understand that you always feel bad when they do something, or that you didn’t at first but now it’s building up, try to give an alternative instead, and focus on the “I”:
“I know I haven’t brought this up before / I’ve brought this up before,
but I really think there’s a better way to do this / to discuss this.
What do you think?”
As it’s rare to talk to someone who’s so understanding and cool-headed in these situations, it will likely take some time for your chatmate to come around and believe you’re not just laying a trap. But don’t falter, you will soon be enjoying the fruits of a calmer discussion!
5. Don’t mock
Comic or humiliating repetition, sarcasm and parody have many forms, and humans are super creative when it comes to making fun of people online.
Regrettably, one of the most common reactions to unpleasant chat situations that feel too hard for us to resolve is to either directly mock the other person or to send around parts of their messages to outsiders.
“Can you believe he said that??”
In some cases, we will even publicly share a screenshot, although those with better judgment will “only” do this anonymously.
When it comes to confrontation, without a tone of voice in messaging apps users often turn to more rhetoric-based tools to signal irony or mockery.
- repeating back what you said
- repeating back what you said in caps lock
- exaggerated punctuation, e.g. !!!!! or ????
- over-short false approval, e.g. aha, OK… or right
- clichés, e.g. that’s what you think
- mismatching emojis, e.g. terrible :D or excellent :/
It’s not rocket science to figure out that humans are insanely sensitive to shaming or mockery, and will subconsciously detect it in both chat or offline so quickly that sometimes the culprit hasn’t even realised they’re doing it yet!
(Having evolved to cooperate with everyone in the cave for survival, any feeling of rejection feels life threatening on the gut-level to the point where we’ll sometimes fear mockery even when there’s none!)
The problem is that once you have caused such stress to your chatmate, their rational reasoning skills have been completely suspended, so the chances for a calm resolution of whatever your problem is are minimal.
So being respectful even on busy workdays, during stressful Christmas breaks, after an offline argument, or with people with different political ideas is not only a way to be polite:
it’s an irreplaceable ingredient of any successful relationship.
Don’t let ubiquitous technology and 24/7 availability erode your personal skills. Instead, practice these five tips and you will find that your close relationships become stronger and your network of friends more diverse and loyal!
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Ixy is a new messaging app for happier conversations. Our London-based team are building a mobile chat platform that uses AI to mediate and support deeper, more honest and fruitful conversations on your phone.
Bring your friends to Ixy and prevent conflicts and misunderstandings, while seeing more clearly how you come across to others!
Sign up to try soon at getixy.com.
Follow us on Twitter at @IxyHelps.
