How to Disagree Politely When Messaging — Our 5 Tried & Tested Tips
It’s all too easy to end up in an argument while chatting on our mobile. We might be messaging to sort out some logistics and discover that we don’t agree about the holiday trip or the weekend get-together. Even more seriously, we may find ourselves chatting casually about a seemingly innocuous topic and suddenly discover that we don’t agree at all — perhaps about the behavior of a third person, about a political issue, or even whether the new Bladerunner movie was any good!
Yet, while it’s quite easy to end up disagreeing while messaging, it’s far more difficult to resolve these disagreements well — being confined to only typed words. And this is bad for our stress levels and for our relationships with people we care about!
The good news is that there are a number of ways to make sure that disagreements that begin on mobile messaging end better, with greater mutual respect and understanding.
To prevent things from getting out of hand and preserve your relationships, be sure to practice our five tips below!
1. Check to make sure you’ve understood the other person’s point.
It sounds obvious — seek first to understand, then to be understood. Yet when we first enter a disagreement we often forget to do this.
It’s particularly important to not only try to understand more about what the other person believes but also -in some cases- even to restate their point in the most generous way possible, altering they way you phrase it until they agree you’ve understood.
One way of thinking about this process comes from philosopher Daniel Dennett, who suggested the best way to “disagree with kindness” was to
1) re-express your target’s position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that your target says, “Thanks, I wish I’d thought of putting it that way.”
2) You should list any points of agreement (especially if they are not matters of general or widespread agreement).
3) You should mention anything you have learned from your target.
4) Only then are you permitted to say so much as a word of rebuttal or criticism.
Researchers agree that the other person is far less likely to trust our judgement about any topic if we dismiss their arguments right away. In contrast, if we are thorough in understanding what they believe and why, we demonstrate that we have thought deeply about the issue at hand and really understand it — and that puts us in a much better position when it comes to convincing them to change their minds.
Instead of telling people how ridiculous their point is, we should take the time to say “So I’m hearing that your point is…” or “Am I right that you believe….?”
Taking this approach also makes it far more difficult for the conversation to turn sour, as the other person will feel listened to.
Making sure you understand the other person’s argument is also useful because in some cases, you may not really disagree — instead, you may simply have misunderstood each other.
2. Don’t interrupt.
Even if the person messaging you appears to be repeating themselves, don’t interrupt. Let them make their point. You may find that they surprise you and bring up an aspect of the problem you didn’t previously understand. And even if they don’t come up with anything new, you’ll have shown respect for them by letting them finish.
When people feel heard (even if they still don’t agree) they disagree more respectfully.
Not interrupting also prevents a type of confusion that is unique to messaging, where overlapping or “crossed” messages cause misunderstandings.
Evelyn: but i reallyneed you to help me move the couch Saturday
Evelyn: also my sister wants to borrow that dress
Evelyn: she loves it and is going on a date
Tina: but too heavy, surely?
Evelyn: …how can you say that about her? wtf…
You get the idea.
3. Swear less — and watch out for caps, emojis, and internet slang.
Many of us let our tone of voice get out of hand when frustrated. It’s an understandable temptation both in person and online, but this habit can get especially tricky in messages, because one person’s slightly flippant skepticism about a particular point can easily become another person’s unforgivable comment.
It’s simply very difficult to read tone of voice, and equally difficult to be sure how our friends will interpret our comments.
This means it’s wise to swear less (or not at all) compared to the way you would usually communicate, and to avoid other phrases that could make make you appear more angry, dismissive, or aggressive — things like caps lock and multiple exclamation points, as well as potentially ambiguous emojis or the ill-placed “LOL”.
4. Whether or not you are closer to agreeing, try to end the conversation well.
Even if you still can’t see much into one another’s point of view, try to end things well — and try to end things before they get out of hand. That means it’s important not to let a conversation about a disagreement drag on too long. If you’ve both heard one another’s point of view and can’t be budged, try some of these polite phrases to end the conversation:
I appreciated getting the chance to talk about this with you, even if we don’t agree.
Let’s talk about this in person later on?
I need to ____ now, but thank you for speaking to me about this, I know it’s important to you.
Even if it’s difficult, I appreciate that we can talk about this kind of thing.
This allows for the conversation to have a positive ending even if you don’t agree — which helps us maintain a positive relationship overall, as our minds are designed to remember the beginnings and endings of events far more than the details in the middle.
5) Thank the other person for sharing.
After the core discussion have ended, it’s a successful choice to list one thing you did get from the conversation, like “I now understand better why you think so poorly of her” or “I didn’t know that about the EU — pretty interesting!” (You may recall Dennett has the same suggestion in his points above…)
Not only is showing appreciation this way part of bringing the conversation to a positive end, but it also allows both parties to reframe the conversation mentally as a learning experience, rather than merely an uncomfortable disagreement. And the more we see opportunities to have difficult conversations as opportunities to grow, the more we are likely to try to have a productive, respectful disagreement the next time an opportunity arises and ultimately to learn to do this better.
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Today too many friendships end in blocking and unfriending, and too many tricky topics are never discussed because we fear they’ll hurt our relationships with people that matter to us.
But there is a better way than to avoid or unfriend people, even when we disagree: what we need to learn to do in order to learn more about ourselves and others, and to build stronger relationships, is to learn to disagree well.
By practicing over time using the tips above, we can become better communicators and stay in touch, even with people who believe very different things.
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Ixy is a new messaging app for happier conversations. Our London-based team are building a mobile chat platform that uses AI to mediate and support deeper, more honest and fruitful conversations on your phone.
Bring your friends to Ixy and prevent conflicts and misunderstandings, while seeing more clearly how you come across to others!
Sign up to try soon at getixy.com.
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