The Problem of Misunderstanding
Ever since our ancestors uttered their first grunts, miscommunication has been a part of our daily lives.
Тhe most serious problem in the world is that people do not understand each other.
A customer misreads a policy; a colleague misinterprets a to-do; a couple clashes over a misunderstanding of who was supposed to pick up the kid.
Failures in communication take place in various circumstances and conditions: at home, at work, between social and ethnic classes, between religions and nations. They can lead both to small complications or troubles in our everyday life and large-scale conflicts between societal groups and cultures. The significance of the problem was the reason I decided to do my bit in studying the causes of miscommunication.
In trying to understand the mechanisms of communication failures, I have been forced to go outside pure linguistics and discover what we can learn from studies where the human being is taken as a cognitive and societal creature. The starting point of my thinking is the following diagram, which describes interaction as a circle rather than a linear line, as it is usually understood.
“The biggest problem for humanity, not only on a global level, but even for individuals, is misunderstanding.” ~Rinpoche
The mental worlds of the speaker and the recipient influence all the stages of interaction. Some words may be unknown to the recipient (the names of people, birds, concepts etc.). The interpretation of some other words may be different, for instance what freedom, equal rights, holiday, grandma, city, cold weather or in the morning mean. People’s mental worlds consist of language command, cultural knowledge, values and everything they have experienced during their lives. Their most recent experiences play a special role. That is why, for example, a phrase like “the bow was awful” apparently has different interpretations depending on where a person has just been: in a concert, in a glasses shop or in archery training.
The starting point in human thinking is that other people think in the same way as we do, especially if the person belongs to “us” (the so-called common ground fallacy). This kind of egocentrism is a salient cause of misunderstanding in everyday life. It can be avoided by proper recipient design. However, recipient design often fails because the speaker is too eager to say what he or she wants to say. The desire to be regarded as smart and clever overrides the rules of recipient design. Nevertheless, acting in this way has the reverse effect: a person will be misunderstood and seen to lack interest in listening, which will have a negative impact on that person’s reputation.
The limitations of the human brain play an important role in the way we interact. In order to avoid becoming tired, we must minimize our cognitive efforts. This leads to poor concentration in interaction. As speakers we fail to conduct recipient design and as recipients we slip into thinking about quite different matters.
The question is, how much damage will they do? How will misunderstandings affect our fulfillment? Our overall happiness?
“Combine the perils of communication technology with our predisposition not want to talk about the stuff that’s in the middle of the room, and you have a perfect storm of anti-communication. It is the source of all misunderstanding. And misunderstanding is the source of 99% of our problems.”
We have all experienced serious misunderstandings that were initially ignored or swept under the rug to fester for a while. Then they popped up later, rearing their ugly heads and negatively impacting cooperation, communication, and teamwork.
Misunderstandings Lead To “Issues”
Misunderstandings mostly involve presumptions. When we base our opinions solely on what we are observing today — without pausing to consider history, background, or their perspectives. We are more prone to get things wrong. And that often creates an issue, an issue that’s really a “misunderstanding” that we had not yet discovered.
Is misunderstanding the cause of most problems?
Jeremy Jolly, Expert in Advanced Sentiments states that :
“I would posit that it is stupidity combined with absolute certainty.
Think about how dumb the average person is. Then realize that half of all people are even dumber than that.
The problem isn’t that they are dumb necessarily, its that they are dumb and believe they are smart. This leads to their absolute certainty.
Actual smart people know they are dumb and thus aren’t certain of anything.”
How can we overcome Misunderstandings With Other People
We need to understand the following if we want to avoid a misunderstanding with people from their point of views:
1. The Goal = Harmony + Productive Communication
We are not looking to “win” or be proven right. It’s more important that we gain a new understanding; that we express that I’m seeking the harmony that once existed, and get back to productive communication.
2. I’m Missing Something
Time and again, when we have had a misunderstanding with someone, it’s based in the fact that their perspective is different than mine. So we learned to look hard to discover, and then consider, their perspective — which we do via the next steps.
3. Value Their Strengths and Motivations
What does this person bring to the table? How do they contribute to the world? What are they responsible for and how does that affect their perspective? We should remind ourselves of their talents, skills, and value to help us focus on them instead of us.
4. Determine How They Judge Others
When seeking their perspective, we look at how they judge others in hopes of understanding them better. Some people make judgments based on a person’s people skills. Or their problem-solving talents. Or how well a person can persuade and influence others. How they judge is a key to how they see the world.
What leads To The Problem of Misunderstanding
Each stage of the following interaction includes some risks for successful communication:
1) The speaker wrongly interprets reality (sees or hears what does not correspond to the truth).
2) The speaker tries to express a thought which is unclear to him- or herself.
3) The speaker is unable to express the desirable thought clearly enough.
4) The speaker speaks in a low voice, pronounces unclearly (mumbles, swallows part of speech; etc.) or makes a slip of the tongue.
5) There are disturbances in the situation of communication (a loud noise in the street, in a disco, at a reception, a vacuum cleaner etc.).
6) The recipient mishears the message (a slip of the ear).
7) The recipient understands the message in different way from that intended by the speaker.
8) The recipient connects the message to another person, bus, shop, thing etc.
10) The carrier of the message, or the channel, is another common cause of miscommunication. Verbal channels like phone or voice mail are better carriers for implicit meaning, while written channels like email or live chat are better for explicit communication.
11) Many of our conversations take on counterproductive forms in which each side is merely out to seek status.
SOLUTION
How to Resolve a Misunderstanding
As we already saw in the earlier findings, majority of conflict can often be traced to a simple misunderstanding. Pride, however, gets in the way as some people falsely believe that to misunderstand somehow implies fault, ignorance, lack of intelligence, and/or not having a grasp on reality. Reality is subjective. Every single person has a different point of view based on experience, triggers, culture, and a host of other items. The key in healthy communication is to understand how difficult communication can actually be and to seek to bridge the inevitable barriers that lead to misunderstanding.
In the book, “The Art of Listening,” Michael Nichols describes that even the simplest communication has multiple components that run the risk of creating misunderstanding: the listener and the speaker, their different points of view, the words they speak and the different meaning each word has for each person, the implicit message (intent versus actual words), the context, and the process of flow. Moreover, the process is more circular in nature yet might be interpreted in a more linear fashion. If this doesn’t sound complicated enough, imagine adding lots of emotion, expectations, fears, and triggers. Again, it’s a miracle any message can get across to anyone.
The root cause of every misunderstanding is a communication problem
Just like we did an Activity in our class that how we can use “A Coffee Mug” in various different ways or a “Simple Circle” can be given different forms , the same way we can also use our Speaking and Listening Skills in various ways and then use our mind to give a response or get a solution.
Now Here I would like to suggest some ways which if we follow in our daily life will decrease the probability of Misunderstanding in between people.
Listen: While seemingly obvious, many people begin crafting their reply without really listening to the other person. Or they become so emotionally charged that they are hearing the person through filters from their past or from what they think the person is saying. In addition, listen to the entire content the person is conveying. Oftentimes, people hear the beginning sentences and jump on that conclusion without realizing the person was going to go in a different direction.
Repeat: Try not to echo, yet take the time to repeat what you’ve heard and ask if that is what the person is conveying. Don’t be afraid to say “Did I understand you correctly? Are you preferring that we go to the movies instead of dinner?” or “Are you concerned that we won’t make the deadline, so you want to get a better grasp of what we’ve done to date and how long it will take?” Or, if it feels like the person is saying one thing while really expressing something else , you can respond with, “It might be me, yet you seem a little distant and I realize I’ve been preoccupied lately. Is that what’s bothering you or is there something else that’s weighing on your heart?”
Share: Communication is a two-way street. When one person opens up and shares their experience, reciprocate. “Oh that is how you felt. This is what I was experiencing…” Be vulnerable and do your best to articulate your feelings. Lose the pride, as pride is the enemy of honest communication.
Be flexible: Know that in spite of all of your efforts, there may still be a misunderstanding. That’s okay. Every person has a different point of view, so no two people see things exactly the same. There is no right or wrong.
Say “I,” not “you”: “I statements” are powerful because they keep you where you belong speaking your feelings from your point of view and sharing your own experience. We can’t speak for others. Only they can share their feelings. We can say we were hurt by a behavior but it crosses a line when we accuse or blame the other person. Telling the other person they are wrong for doing the behavior or telling them what they feel is not our business or our place. As my good friend Rod says, “Stay in your own hula hoop.”
Learn: You’ve had a misunderstanding. Grow and learn from it. Use it to foster closeness in that relationship or others. Definitely use it to create a greater awareness of what you think and feel and how you speak and listen. We are all in this life to learn and grow.
Pause: If a conflict does occur as a result of a misunderstanding, give it time. Either pause a moment before reacting and try to gather clarification so you can respond, or ask for time to process. Either way, time heals all wounds — eventually.
