Let go of your Crème brûlée

The nights are the hardest to get by when you are grieving the loss of your wife. I have imagined this over and over again as a part of my self-abusing imaginative exercise to prepare myself for the worst. There are a lot of people like me, out there who do this, to my knowledge, assuming that life is predictable and better prepared for, with such repeated playing of disasters in the head.

My wife didn’t die. She has left me. I let her down. We gave each other everything but circumstances led us to the pits of irreconcilable conflicts. I couldn’t support her the way she expected me to, in the most trying crisis of her life. Regrettable words said in the spur of the moment during an ongoing parental conflict hammered the last nail in the coffin that is carrying our recently concluded marriage.

We chose each other. We were sure of our compatibility and moved mountains to be with each other. From dining in a romantic jazz club in Paris to watching Armin’s anniversary concert in the legendary Amsterdam arena, we have had our share of romance. We also had our share of fights regarding how often we had sex or how often we gave each other the much coveted ‘me-time’. Our careers were always important and we are doing well, or at least in the perceived eye of the society. What could have possibly gone wrong? From the outside, people think we have everything. We have each other, great careers, a great life in a great country. These are all lies. Every seemingly happy family out there whom we envy so much, has a story that they are hiding from us to pretend to be happy. Let me tell you mine.

A beautiful voice in a red gown was lighting up the centuries old diner of Chez Papa Jazz Club, with her jazz performances. My heart was skipping beats now and then, admiring the shine in the eyes of my beloved Anamika. We had made our way into the last slice of duck and broken the last knuckle of the lobsters when the funny drunk waiter came to take our order for dessert. We were quick to order a Sorbet and a Crème brûlée. The latter was for me. My wife went for her regular choice. The first bite of the Crème brûlée melted in my tongue in no time and made me happy like a nine year old with milk chocolate. My wife wanted to try and like every time, I fed her a spoonful of it. She was so pleasured by the taste that she wanted the rest of it to herself. I happily let go of it and munched on the ice cold Sorbet , trying to enjoy the citrus flavors of life. I let go of my Crème brûlée happily and seeing her enjoy it, made me the happiest husband ever! I ended that night gifting her a rose and a kiss on her lips.

I spent the next few days of my trip to Paris searching for a Crème brûlée and even though we did find one on the last night nearby Tour Eiffel, fate kept the Crème brûlée from my tongue until now. The universe has a funny way of talking to you with strange signs. Today, I am having to let go of my beloved wife because she feels she is not happy in our relationship. I am getting dumped and if you have ever gone through a breakup where you are dumped, you would know how heartbreaking and helpless, it makes you feel. There is literally nothing that you can do to change the course of things. You can only watch it slip between your fingers and probably try to clean the floor of the spilled milk.

Letting go is hard. We hold on to our dearest possessions because they help us cope with the reality that the world is a big bad place where our feelings don’t matter. They give us the escape route to delusions and oblivion. Sometimes, they also make us strong and courageous to take the big bad world on. My marriage made me a good and a strong person. But my breakup has made me a weak helpless depressed person. But why does a relationship in which one partner was so happy leave the other one so sad and depressed that she chooses to flee away from it? Human emotions are complex and memories are relative. A long term relationship like marriage, often gives you some of the best memories of your life but they also throw on you, some of the worst memories that you will carry forever. Your happiness in a relationship depends on which memories you choose to define a relationship by. When I saw that she was so eager to start over and turn her life around and be the person, she believes she needs to be, I had to let her go. I had to support her in the journey because I love her. True love should let go , if it makes one claustrophobic. But how do you cope with the absence of someone special when you let go of your dear one?

The nights are the hardest, I said. Well, it is almost impossible to ever get sleep or do any of the things that you did with her anymore. Visiting any place that I did go to with her, haunts me with her absence as much as the pictures that are stored in digital form on my phone. But if you move beyond phones and internet or even the physical realm of the romantic world, our own body registers memories too. The touch of her thighs on mine when we cuddled, the softness of her skin, the heat of her body, the perfume of her armpits, the brush of her hair on my face and the tightness of her arms, the warmth of her breath and the intensity of her love for me are registered on my body for all the rebirths to come. Try sleeping alone after holding her to sleep forever, and you will know why the nights are the hardest. I feel someone is choking my throat and making it impossible for me to breathe. I feel the lights are closing on my eyes and the roof is falling over my head. The other end of the bed teases me with her failed presence and the street in front, teases me with the walks we never took because of our over important careers.

But you can never make someone love you when they don’t. Feelings are not rebooted on demand or deleted on click. They are nurtured and protected and relished. I failed to protect my wife’s feelings and had to settle for relishing the last few days of my life with her. Pushing does not help. If someone has decided to leave you then that is the end of the road. You need to buckle up, stop crying and pick yourself up from the pit because otherwise, you are a loser who lost it all because the lady chose another prince or the princess that resides in her gave up on the frog in you.

If you truly love her and she is not happy with you, don’t abuse her or hurl insults at her. Let her go . Let her go with dignity, freedom and love, whatever little of it remains left in these circumstances. Let go of your Crème brûlée, if you really love her!