It’s Pouring Lemons In Here

As I write this, I feel this is the most difficult period that I have had to endure in my life. Right now everything is causing some level of anxiety and things that I was a natural at previously seem like big tasks. Writing this blog for that matter is seemingly harder now, words are just not flowing out of my mouth. I am currently at a stage where I am beginning to doubt my abilities and I know for a fact that there is no such thing as luck that is in my favor right now.

I still remember the time when I thought I was perhaps one of those lucky few people who got things on a platter and didn’t have to work too hard for it. Little did I pay attention to the quote that life is like a wheel, one day you are on top and the next you are at the bottom. All I could feel was sympathy for those that just did not get what they wanted no matter how hard they worked for it. I started to believe that when I wanted something, I just had to wish for it to happen and it would happen. Little did I realize how awfully wrong I was.

2015 started out as a great year, my husband and I had won an all-expense paid trip to a beautiful destination and we had decided that it was time to raise a family. Being the super confident personality that I was, I knew instantly that having a baby wouldn’t be a big issue for us. In fact I was very confident that I would get pregnant on the very first month of trying to have a baby. It did NOT happen and I guess that was the start of the downhill trip.

We tried for a baby for a couple of months without any luck and voila I finally got pregnant in April which ended in a miscarriage just two weeks later. It was a heart breaking event, the biggest blow that I had received so far in my life, an indication that it was finally my turn to experience these so called lemons. The miscarriage was a long drawn one and went on for more than a month causing me so much more anguish and heart break.

In June my husband was almost deported out of the country because his company failed to process his visa on time. He was unemployed since March since his visa had expired and was relently interviewing at multiple places for a job. Finally he landed himself a job offer but the company just did not realize the importance of filing his visa on time and he had to depart the US with a one way ticket without knowing if things would fall into place and if he could secure a visa to get back to the US. This was all happening during a time when we were just getting out of the emotional anguish of the miscarriage. Silver lining was that he managed to secure the visa and head back home but again this was just a one year work engagement and we were hoping at the end of the year, he could find something concrete that he also enjoyed working on.

In July my mom called me and informed me that my grandma had become terminal and that she only had a few days to live. I was shocked to hear this since my husband had just seen her a month ago when he was there for his visa and she was pretty healthy. This news was like a sharp stab, she was my absolute favorite. Right from when I was a child, I have enjoyed my conversations with her, she had always treated me like an adult and I have never met anyone in my life with the same sense of humour like hers. The thought of losing her was unimaginable. In August, I flew down since we all knew that she didn’t have too long to live and all through the journey, I was just praying to god to keep her alive so that I could see her for one last time and talk to her. She was absolutely delighted to see me and had lost her strength to talk. For the very first time in my life I was having a one way conversation with my once very chatty grandma. I kept hoping that she would regain her strength and go back to her former self despite knowing that it was almost impossible. She passed away three days later on the same bed that my granddad had died a decade ago.

After coming back to the US, my husband and I decided to try for a baby yet again, hoping that the second time would be lucky for us. I did a lot of reading and research about miscarriages and the odds of having a second miscarriage was less than 2 percent. Our happiness knew no bounds when I conceived in November and I was confident that this time around there wouldn’t be any problems and we would have our rainbow baby soon. When I went in for my first ultrasound at 10 weeks, I realized that I had a missed abortion and had to undergo a D&C. This was when I hit an all-time low, I was in that tiny 2% of the women population that have recurrent miscarriages. This was when my mind gave up and I did not want to fight anymore. To make matters worse, I was only surrounded by pregnant women, 4 out of my 6 girlfriends were pregnant and three of my colleagues were pregnant. I could only think of this as some evil act of god to torture the living life out of me. Call me an evil person but I honestly did not care if these pregnant women had healthy babies or not, I just wanted them out of my face.

As I sit here now, I also realize that I have lost my mojo. My current job is the worst job in my ten year tenure. I took a step down from my last job because I was desperate to get a job here in the US. I’m over qualified for this job and every day just pushes me to the edge. The other person on my team doesn’t have the same educational qualifications or the work experience as me and we both do the same job. Makes me feel what an absolute waste of my time it was to invest all these years trying to climb up the career ladder and getting the relevant experience and education to finally end up doing what I’m doing. All the credit for me feeling like this goes to my god awful manager who is the most selfish person I have seen. I’m stuck to this job because of my visa restrictions, as an immigrant without a green card it is not that easy to find a job that will sponsor. I’m beginning to forget the person I was, everybody at some point felt I was dynamic, that I was meant for greater things in life and I find myself in a position where I can’t even voice my opinion because of the fear of losing my job.

Fear at one time was very underrated in my life but right now it is ruling my life. Everything about my life spells failure and yes life is throwing gazillion sacks of lemon at me and I do not know how to handle it. I’m just waiting for this horror story to end, to get back to being on top of the wheel and till then I will wait. I will wait patiently, till life gets bloody bored of me and lets me be. I may be too tired to fight but I will hang in there and wait till I can get back on top of the wheel again and introspect about all the life lessons I have learnt on the way there. Wait is what I will.

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Originally published at chattypoppyblog.wordpress.com on March 12, 2016.

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