CLUELESS: what is the one thing that’s missing from self-help books and inspiring movies

The “Steve Jobs” film on Saturday evening wasnt that bad. Yes, Jobs was an ass in the movie, and the filming technique wasnt my type, but I did learn some stuff from that. I am currently in the period in which the crazy obsession for how-to books arises, not with books that disclose the secrets of how to become a billionaire or how to win friends and influence people, god knows that I despise them to my guts. No, my favorite books teach me to manage my day, be confident and unlock my potential of creativity.

I was utterly pleased with all the secrets and tips from those books and movies I watched. Totally useful and profound, they helped me form a different view to my life and how I devote my time, energy and focus. So inspired that I couldnt wait setting up plan and determining the ultimate goals to “contribute to the world in my unique way”.

After a month of “being inspired”, I started to sense something seriously wrong. Yes, it took me a whole month to realize and finally admit the problem, but it’s a start, and I am not ashamed of that. The advices were great, they are still great, I was totally ready to add value to the world, to do something I like. I sat happily, confidently in front of the desk, about to conquer the world with my ideas, my passion, my “spot of sweetness”. Nothing happened. I am clueless about what I like, what I am passionate for.

All of my “plans”, schemes, schedules just fell apart after one and another. I couldnt maintain the enthusiasm for things I thought they were fascinating. As soon as I kept the thought of turning them into something serious and stucking with them for the rest of my life, they got incredibly tedious, so tedious that I couldn seem to put up with the ideas. Even if I tried to change my perspective and put no pressure on those interests anymore, things just couldnt go back as the same. Whenever I had the slightest valuation whether or not something was cool and fun, my immediate reaction was planning a wayyy to far future with it

I was just like the poor Ted from How I met your mother, so desperate to settle down for something serious, that right at the moment I stumbled on something cool, I jostled, made things way too fast, and messed all the shit up. Lucky for Ted, he didnt have to suffer from the constantly nagging rush to have the happy ending. At least he was still able to have meaningless sex with random chics at the bar. For me, I couldnt have any more casual realtionship with any cool ideas, which is quite a nasty curse. Fuck the whole idea of contributing something big, I just want to casually like something, naturally get engaged into it,and it it is a must, then I will consider some long-term step with it.

After a month of taking every thoughts too seriously, I am now incapable of telling what’s cool and what’s not. I’m curious about nothing, feel nothing, like nothing. I’m too afraid to be aware, as whenever I attempt to see what’s awesome, a part of me will immediately screw it by finding way to make it useful for the future. And all the potentially-interesting stuff just become tedious right away. Now I’m struggling with the seem-to-be simple question: What is the one thing that I like? The thing that I truely care about? The thing that I’m willing to do for the sake of no one but my own interest?

I’m numb. I’m clueless.

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