Habits and The Fragility of Life
Day 84 of 100.
Today I found out that my friend’s mom passed away suddenly last night. She was 59 years old. About two and a half years ago she had tripped over her dog and fallen, getting knee surgery that fell in and out of recovery. Overall, her knee had been getting better (minus a minor infection), and she was set to be better.
Until she wasn’t.
The minor infection had actually spread and within days, her health deteriorated and she is no longer here with us. My prayers are with her and the family.
Suddenly, everything can change.
I can’t help but feel how hurt my friend and his sister are, reeling from a state of disbelief and shock- staring at her empty seat at the dinner table. How nothing will feel the same for them again.
I can’t help but think about how thankful I am that my parents are still here, and how terrifying that life can be taken away so quickly. It scares me to think of the day for any of my friends, family or pets even!
I wonder what happens when we go, does our consciousness ever continue throughout our worlds even after we leave our bodies? Do we get to say FU to all the assholes we encountered in our lives? Do we ever get to protect and save the ones we’ve loved in our lives?
I fear regretting not having done more. Not spending more time with family, being more present with friends or making more GOOD memories. Not only that- but appreciating them and looking forward to them. Not taking things as an obligation or given.
Everyday, we should be grateful just for waking up in the morning. We really should. I really should.
More so, it makes more sense to me to really try to live the life we want to live, and to believe in it. Shouldn’t you?
Habits
Habits are what take us from A to B, and if we are talking about a life filled with memories that we will be proud of (everyday) then we need habits to take us there.
Then we need a community to support us when we feel even our habits are tired.
My new habit of quitting drinking came about from three different situations (all within the same month) where I got wrecked, high and stupidly wild. In public. They weren’t the biggest downfalls but enough to make me feel like I was an asshole.
When I started, it didn’t feel as if I was doing anything amazing. I had always tried to do things like workout daily but they never fell through. What got me through the first month was the most simple thing,
It was an X on the calendar.
After the first two days, I liked the look of a gigantic X chain. It became a small win, and with writing everyday I began to realize (accidentally) all the things I never realized about myself, and how much more clarity I was getting in myself.
Writing daily has been a journal mostly- what started as an attempt to get a following for my magazine in progress has changed to myself in progress. It’s helped me to define my flaws – procrastination, laziness, not taking the time to THINK or analyze/feel my emotions, wasting time and money going out all the time and a lack of inner confidence in my capabilities.
Writing daily and giving up drinking have been keystone habits that have changed me in many ways. Now, nearly 3 months in, I find myself with better self discipline when it comes to eating healthier (sometimes but better than before), pushing myself (writing even when I’m exhausted), catching myself being negative, lazy or self deprecating and having a more curious, and open perspective. Mostly, i am proud of being able to THINK THINGS THROUGH to make a decision.
I hope to learn to rely on myself for guidance and not 100 ppl, and to be more aggressive. Smarter. I’d like to learn to think more efficiently and understand more visually.
There are days that I feel like not writing, and many times I have been close to not doing it. I realized though, that even though my routine of writing everyday and love of the X chain on my calendar and how I felt and how I changed and feel like I’m getting closer to who I want to be, the main thing that got me writing at night when I felt this way, was knowing that I had at least one person reading these articles (hi WB).
No matter how mentally strong you think you’ve become, you still need a sense of community, a belief in someone and something else other than yourself to keep you going.
For the longest time, I felt like I had to be successful for other people, so that I don’t look like a loser. Nowadays, with the births of my nieces, I feel like I have more of a purpose – to be able to treat them, take care of them and have a badass aunty who runs the world to motivate them.
I don’t think there are correct answers to living the best life you want to live, but what I have learned is that you must have the routine/habits and self reflection, but more so- you need to have the desire to change yourself AS WELL as a community or belief to help you, or that you help to tie yourself to some other purpose.
When we hold ourselves accountable, there’s no one we let down but ourselves. We get used to that. We know that. But to let down someone else? That isn’t a feeling that we love or like.
So create, don’t consume. Write, talk, draw, make- but out SOMETHING from your head out in the world everyday. I don’t believe that we can survive by keeping the steam in all the time.
For the end of this article, I’m going to ask you to do one thing. Sit and go to a window or go outside somewhere you can sit by a bench or water — and close your eyes. Be grateful to yourself because we don’t do it very often, be grateful that you are where you are and thank yourself.
When you appreciate yourself you can appreciate the world, and you can be closer to where you want to be. Best of luck.
In memory of my dear friend’s mom. Sweet dreams.
