So Close, Yet So Far
Day 99.
Is it being burned out? Is it boredom?
What is it about being so close to the finish line that keeps us from reaching it? There’s a part of me that is feeling so lazy, and slowly falling into the habit of wanting to put everything off. The feeling of being overwhelming is so…overwhelming.
I’m launching a beta version of the website tomorrow. I’ve got this killer opportunity from a talented writer for a three part series on an incredible festival in Copenhagen. Today, I started off feeling so eager and excited to get this out, but as the day progressed I started to feel more and more anxious. My chest tightened. I was doing less work, and my fingers simply scrolled back and forth on the screen unable to hold a tune. Thoughts crept up in my mind — “What if I fuck this up?”, “Should I wait?”, “What do I do?”
I felt paralyzed by fear.
It’s insane to think how scared I got from this. I understand it, I’ve felt it before and I recognize it. I knew I had to get out of the office, take a walk and get away. But, I know my old habits. In college — this was the process when I came to the finish line, and had to finish an old report. I’d simply procrastinate and put it off until the next day, and finish off a shitty, half assed report with coffee stains and a prayer, cross and buddhist chant to Mother Earth, SachiMama begging for a B at the very least.
It’s the same today.
Reflecting on that— I simply have to accept that putting something out there is terrifying, but it won’t always be. The first few times I learned to dive, I stood at the edge of the diving board, hesitating, begging my body to follow my mind. I had my friends cheering me on. The first dive is the worst.
You stare at the water, it’s flat shiny surface looks like a glass plate waiting to crack your head through. And if you’re not confident in your swimming, which I wasn’t — it was all the more terrifying. I just kept diving in. And diving. And diving. And diving. And diving.
“Your legs aren’t straight”
“Tighten your body”
“Straighten out”
“Oh, that wasn’t too bad this time!”
“Nice work”
But the first dive looked like shit. The first few looked ostensibly like shit. And it’s ok. Everyone knows that it’s your first one, and that you have to work through it. More often than not, people are impressed that you’re even trying.
So dive in, Chau! I know that the structure, design and layout of my first piece won’t be perfect. I don’t have all the items that I need, but it’ll be fine to figure out. People will acknowledge the effort, and hopefully the criticisms will help shape this into something more beautiful.
It’s so interesting, I started this writing experiment off to help other people, and I’ve come to find that it has been helping me the most. I just Tony Robbin’d the shit out of myself. Ha!
