This is 28.

Day 213 of 365.

It’s Saturday night and I’m in bed at 12:30am. My version of going out these days is going to dinner with my family in a weekly reconnaissance similar to the Italian Sunday dinner. My brother, my sister in law and their baby, my niece Hannah, my parents and suddenly I’m fifth (ok sixth) wheeling. The thought of being out at a bar right now, is the last thing I want to do.

I never thought this day would come, I’ve always been the most Red Bull addled of my friends, able to dance into all hours of the night regardless of deep house at pacha or cielo, or top 50 at any of the dicey to fratty to dancey bars in NYC. One time in HS, we made our way to a rave in Bushwick, sneaking along with older boys who got stamps on their hands that we, traced with sharpies and got in with. It was an old school rave joint, with smoke machines and men on stilts and men in tie dye nd dressed in various demon masks, a deep robotic undanceable dance playing in the background. The type of music you could only enjoy if you were on drugs, but not I or my friends. Somehow we had finally made it in this rave, in the dark underbelly of pre hipster Brooklyn and thought to ourselves, “well this is pretty shit”. Our pregame of cheap Russian beer from the corner store didn’t do much, but hey we were out and in a new place and wound up dancing till 6am on pure adrenaline.

But now, late twenties? I’m over it. I want more comfort and better health. I want to have deeper relationships with friends Nd family and “quality over quantity”. But, I’ll say this — being in bed with Netflix just feels so much better these days. I want to work and hustle and build or at least tell myself I am. The second half of your twenties is all about realizing all the things you haven’t done yet and all the things you have to do before time runs out. Time runs out, and I’ve never felt more aware of it until now.

Early twenties are all about enjoying the newly discovered freedom- first money, first bars, first post college dating scene, first jobs. Mid twenties are all about exploration, slowly you realize maybe things aren’t for you, or that you’re not doing anything you thought you wanted in life, but mostly, that you don’t know what you’re doing. Late twenties are about taking everything you learned and experienced from your previous years and putting into action what you want/should be doing.

I still can’t believe I’m 28. I still feel 18. Do we ever feel our age? When does that happen? I don’t remember the last time I felt my life matched my age. Maybe 26. Maybe 12. Maybe never.