Day 50 of 100.
From the 14th floor, I could make out the clouds as they eclipsed the city, a slow stampede blanketing the red brick apartments in a wash of grey.
I could barely focus on my laptop as whips of lightening cracked through the sky.
Something about the leaden, unforgiving rain makes me ponder in so many ways that I don’t normally do.
Am I fucked up? Am I ever going to be successful? Am I doing this right? Am I letting down my family? Am I a joke? Am I crazy?
It’s as if the sky were raining down insecurities. «And YOU get insecurity , and You get insecurity, and YOU get insecurity!!»
But mostly it culminates from a feeling of «should».
I «should» be this advanced in my project.
I «should» be making this amount of money.
I «should» be this way.
And when I say «I should» it feels defeatist almost. It’s not confident. It’s a soft statement, and for me- too many «I shoulds» turn into «I didn’t».
I always feel like I’m lagging behind when I do that, constantly trying to catch up to something in the future.
Maybe it’s also the younger sibling in me, desperately trying to hurry up and grow up and catch up with my older siblings. Be cool.
I feel frustrated because I don’t feel like I am where I want to be, and I’m frustrated because I didn’t start to do that earlier. I’m frustrated because I feel like I’ve made no progress with my magazine yet talked about it so much. I feel like an imposter sometimes.
But when I sit and think about it, I had no clue what I wanted to be doing 5 years, let alone one year ago.
How can we be mad at ourselves when we’re simply figuring our own path when we have no map?
If we’ve got a water filter, some good sturdy boots, plenty of food and water and maybe even the guidance/knowledge of survival, shouldn’t we be able to stop and admire the woods a bit? Listen to how different the birds chirp and sing. Watch as the ants create a colony in a footprint. Admire the flowers and plants and life around us. Harmony in chaos.
Im realizing that progress doesn’t look like a vector in a bar graph pointing UP, up and up. Instead it’s a small, gradual almost nonexistent Momentum- a rosewood tree slowly sprouting.
Im realizing, things take more time than expected. And that’s ok- just keep working but make sure to enjoy the scenery and appreciate life for what it is now.